Strange Machines

There are a lot of concerns about co-sleeping. And they are valid ones. Baby suffocating under blankets or under a parent are terrible things and they have happened before.

For a breastfeeding mother, I was adamant Jack slept in his crib. But that meant nursing him sitting up for an hour at bedtime while he lay on the MyBrestFriend cushion while I either zoned out, napped with my mouth open, read a magazine or book, played games or surfed on my mobile phone (usually the first two). And then lifting him up gently (wake alert!), removing the cushion, getting up (wake alert!) and going to the crib (wake alert!), and breaking my back to put him down (wake alert!) very gently, removing my arm which would be under his neck (wake alert!), and then removing my other hand which would be on his chest.

That process I mastered and perfected over the first 4 months and gleefully congratulated myself when Jack slept through the night from 4, 5, 6, 7 hours and once even 9 hours! Alas, his 4th month sleep regression unwound everything and I was back to square one.

Sure, we tried some co-sleeping when he was born. Him in a tiny sleeper beside me. But now, he was a big boy and the doctor said okay. Since, it’s been reassuring and I love waking up next to him and seeing his sweet sleeping face beside me when I turn in.

I’ve been having insomnia lately and to avoid waking him, go outside the bedroom to read or surf. He wakes up almost every 20 minutes to 2 hours and it’s been fairly disrupting to my attempts to achieve flow.

Last night I crashed to bed early and we both slept almost through the night, waking only once when his Dad woke up for work. I think co-sleeping babies do know when their mothers leave the bed and if they’re sleeping alone. We both slept well till he woke up and started climbing all over me.

If you do wish to co-sleep, please read up very carefully on co-sleeping and safety.

This is a great landmark for Jack.

Previously at night he’d be calling for me when he woke. Even if his Dad was there, he might well be nothing more than a log beside him, patting and trying to soothe him.

But last night he recognised the sleeping form of his Dad, now immune to his crying. His Dad had found him wide awake, sitting, and patting his back laughing and shrieking in delight. I’d been in the other room online. He had to call me twice before I heard him.

I went in to nurse him and he fell right back asleep. I’m so proud of him. It’s a first step towards independence. All the attachment we have been sharing has paid off.

He’s now happily playing with his Dad, crawling everywhere, the cats wandering here and there around him. He always watches them rapt, intrigued. It’s a lovely Saturday for all of us here.

Jack was a total angel last night and today. I think it could be that peaceful period from 41-46 weeks according to The Wonder Weeks. He happily played with his Bunny Twins (actually a plush neck rest) in his car seat all the way home without any fuss.

Last night he slept straight through from his 3am wake-up to around 8am I think. I feel so rested today. All morning he was cheery and playful all morning and managed to enjoy his car ride out today for most of the way (he was hungry).

He’s been saying “Baba” a few times today and “Ma” once to my delight! I think he might be done with the motor skills development for a while and is practicing talking. His mouth has been moving like a motor.

Sure I’ve read about it before but only over Chinese New Year did I realise its relevance and importance.

Most sleep experts say that a baby who naps more during the day sleeps better at night. It may seem contradictory but it had been shown repeatedly to be true. We managed a mini-sample over the weekend.

On the first day of CNY, we woke 2 hours early to visit my parents. The whole day got a bit messed up with us neglecting to take the 2 hour difference while scheduling his nap times. He woke several times that night, particularly in the first 2 hours when he woke every 20 minutes.

On the second day of CNY we took Jack to Uncle Hon Chung’s house where he slept 20 minutes in the car… late as well… at 2pm. He usually sleeps between 1-1.30pm. We left Hon Chung’s house at 5.30pm (late for his 5pm nap). He got grumpy, fell asleep in the car. I held him for about 40 minutes before he woke up. That night he woke several times over the first 5 hours, about every 20 minutes.

I was beat. On the third day, and this is sounding like that Christmas song, I got him to nap at 1.30pm. He slept for 20 minutes but was happily chasing Sparky the dog after. Next, he napped from 7-8pm. Odd yeah, but that night he slept better and woke only the first time after 2 hours.

It’s easy to forget a baby’s naptime till he shows signs of fussiness. It is possible that by then, it is too late.

There’s so much misinformation out there about parenting from harmful advice such as cry-it-out (CIO), not “spoiling” your baby, or sleep training your baby (see more studies on sleep) to simply annoying groundless superstitions and anecdotes. So it was with a breath of fresh air that KellyMom, a great evidence-based parenting resource, was found. It is a true gem in the wastelands of the web.

As with every other science, we can never be absolutely sure. But with peer-review studies turning up the same conclusions, we can surmise that it is reasonably accurate. I have checked the findings against other books by parenting writers like Sears, Biddulph, and others, as well as research published in science and health journals and news releases, and each affirmation buoys my decision to practice attachment parenting (AP).

Here are the things I practice as a parent:

1. I breastfeed my baby on demand.
2. I wear my baby with a sling or baby carrier.
3. Baby sleeps with us in our bed.
4. When my baby cries, I pick him up.
5. I always show my baby love and respect.
6. When he looks at me or seeks me, I give him attention so he gains a sense of self-worth.
7. I don’t sleep train or potty train my baby.
8. My baby is with me wherever I go, meeting new people and new scenarios.
9. I continue learning about parenting.
10. I smile to my baby first thing in the morning.
11. I say no and redirect or distract.
12. I never punish my baby for being a baby.
13. I ensure his trust in me is never breached.
14. I always remind my baby how much I love him.

Resources:

8 Infant Sleep Facts Every Parent Should Know by Dr William Sears
What is Attachment Parenting by Diana West, IBCLC
The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say by Alvin Powell
Early Brain Development: What parents and caregivers need to know by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
The Emotional Infant Brain by Lynn M. Johnson
Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking by Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
Responsive Parenting by Kelley Shirazi
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies by Dr William Sears
Stress in Infancy by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.

Since December 1, Jack’s been getting difficult at bedtime and sleeping even less. His first sleep lasts anything from 1-3 hours (3 if I’m lucky), then it is another 1-3 hours, and after that 1-2 hours.

So last night out of sheer exhaustion, we tried the CIO method (cry it out). Absolute wusses, we didn’t last 10 minutes. Poor Jack cried, then screamed till his lungs were hoarse. I leapt out of bed and held him close swearing never to do it again.

But tonight, after 3 hours of “winding down”, he still refused to go to bed despite rubbing his eyes many times. The moment we put him down, he began crying (maybe remembering what happened last night). Finally for the third time, I picked him up and nursed him, tried putting a semi-awake baby down, and he cried again.

I tried the Karp method (5Cs), carrying him on his side, tummy to tummy with me (actually it is my Mom’s method), and loudly shushing (this one is Karp’s). He began his soft whining which indicates he is very sleepy and he slowly fell asleep. Three times more I tried putting him down and three times he cried again. Eventually, he slept.

So here I am, rather exhausted but mentally awake (actually I wanted to check if the WoW maintenance was over), updating my blog with something very important: the dangers of CIO. Instinctively, it feels wrong to ignore my child’s crying. In this case, a mother’s instinct has been proved correct by science.

Science shows up Supernanny

A mental health expert warns that fashionable advice to ignore your child’s tears may cause lifelong harm

When it comes to the crowded and hotly debated world of how best to bring up baby, there is a new theory that uses brain scans to argue that controlled crying not only damages babies’ brains but produces angry, anxious adults.

‘If you ignore a crying child, tell them to shut up or put them in a room on their own, you can cause serious damage to their brains on a level that can result in severe neurosis and emotional disorders later in life,’ said Professor Margot Sunderland, a leading expert in the development of children’s brains and a British Medical Association award-winning author, who has already written more than 20 books on child mental health.

Based on her four-year study of brain scans and scientific research, Sunderland entreats parents to reject the modern theories of baby experts such as Gina Ford and Channel 4’s Supernanny, Jo Frost, who preach strict discipline, routine and controlled crying.

Sunderland’s book, The Definitive Child Rearing Book, to be published next month, provides step-by-step guidance on how to react to every swing in a child’s mood, even down to the best way to hug an upset baby.

‘The blunt truth is that uncomforted distress may cause damage to the child’s developing brain,’ said Sunderland, the director of Education and Training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London.

She believes that parents often do not give adequate recognition to their children’s distress. While the importance of touching, cuddling and physically soothing their babies is paramount, she also advises parents of the dangers of attempting to minimise their children’s anger and emotional distress.

‘Parents should never try to persuade their child out of feeling a certain emotion,’ she said. ‘Even if your child is reading a situation in a completely different way to you, it is important to prove to them you are empathising through the time you give them and the language and facial expressions you use.

‘If your child is upset, you will reduce rather than increase their feelings of stress by not taking their upset as seriously as you would wish someone to take your own,’ she added. ‘Attempting to jolly them out of their mood will result in them internalising their stresses, which will take the same toll on their bodies and brain as unsoothed crying.’

Sunderland also believes parents often unwittingly discipline children through shame and fear. ‘It can get quick results and parents often do not realise they are doing it,’ she said. ‘But the price on a child’s developing brain can be very high and leave a legacy of anxiety and social phobia for life. It is all too easy to break a child.’

Instead, Sunderland encourages parents to be very emotional when their child is well behaved and very matter of fact when they behave badly. ‘When telling a child off, parents should use low-key voices, a monotone that states calmly but firmly what the child has done wrong and what the punishment will be.’

Sunderland believes that parents who use fighting words and phrases that demand absolute and immediate obedience will create a defiant child while thinking words, that activate their brains by giving them a choice, will defuse intense states of emotional arousal.

Often, however, Sunderland advises that words are not necessary and that calmly holding the child who is refusing to listen is enough. ‘Sometimes the child’s brain is too hyper-aroused to respond to language and a warm and loving touch is the only thing that can calm them down without conflict.’

Sunderland offers the following advice to parents:

· Do not try to persuade the child out of their emotions, however extreme or unreasonable you might feel those emotions to be.

· Do not minimise their emotions: show through touch, tone and facial expression that you understand the intensity and quality of what they are going through.

·Be their emotional rock: be kind and calm.

·Hold them - touch is vital to calm and soothe a child.

I shall do that… and I’ll look out for the book.

(Reference: Q&A: 11-week-old and self-soothing)

I suspect Jack is teething.

He’s been finicky about eating… sucking a little then crying. Then he’d be happy one moment and then crying the next. At night he’s usually sleepy by 10 but now he wants to play. He’s still asleep by 1130pm-midnight. The past 2 nights he slept 8 hours and 6 hours straight respectively. He is fretty by day though, napping not more than 1 hour and he loves gnawing on my fingers or on his whole hand.

Hm…

Lately Jack has been most preoccupied with his left hand. He spends hours on end staring at it and putting it in his mouth. It’s been a source of comfort, sucking his fist. He’s soothed himself back to sleep some 7am mornings when I’d been too tired to get up.

My Mom bought some side padded thingys for his cot now that he’s too big for his sleeper. They’re of the Cat and the Fiddle (she thought I’d like it). He was so intrigued when I first placed him inside with the new sides. He stared and stared at them, cooing and shrieking in delight. At the same time, I installed his Humpty mobile and he lay there entertaining himself for over an hour.

He’s so keen to learn these days. His eyes widen when I bring out the flash cards and he smiles when he sees his favourite animals. He still loves staring at the lights and happily lies in his cot watching the Humptys turn round and round (he likes the red ones best because he’s had two bigger ones in his cot), or looking at the cat and the fiddle, the cow and the moon, and the plate and the spoon.

Last night he laughed and laughed when his aunt B carried him and talked to him. He loves to be carried and talked to. My Dad talks to him everyday for a half hour. Everyone agrees he’s going to be a talker when he grows up.

Since day 1 I have approached motherhood algorithmically. It is always one of these few things: hunger, wind, sleepiness, diaper, attention. But it is useless when your brain is too wasted to make a clear analysis and act on it.

Jack was still hungry last night. He’d fed, cried, burped repeatedly, and wanted to sleep. He finally slept at 1230am and woke at 330am, 730am, and 11am. If I’d just fed him more at 11pm, he may have slept till 5am as he usually did, but I was just too tired.

The lack of caffeine doesn’t help. I’m used to a cup of green tea at least. Now without even OJ, I am stuck with milk, which makes me even sleepier.

Meanwhile, my arm’s going to be numb. I forgot to strap MBF and Jack fell asleep with my left arm wrapped heroically around him. Need Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at least…

Sleep: 3 + 4 + 3.5

In other more exciting news, they found lakes on Titan!

From Babycenter:

“… you may notice that he’s started to drool. He’s also putting everything in his mouth and producing more saliva than he can swallow.”

Just a little drool but more from sucking my arm or his fist. He does blow bubbles though. I noticed this since 2 weeks ago.

“The good news is that your baby’s drool coats toys and other objects with disease-preventing proteins.”

That is good news!

“If your baby’s sleeping through the night (five or six hours at a stretch), you’re one of the lucky few.”

I am fortunate. But I do believe practicing good sleep hygiene plays a big part too.

He does get fussy from 10pm though. I realise it is because he wants to be placed in his crib. So many nights already he abruptly changed from fussy baby to cheery cooing baby the moment he was put in his crib.

“Your baby is learning how to rock and roll — well, maybe just roll. At this age, he’ll probably be able to move from his side to his back and his back to his side.”

Yes he does.

He’s also just started fitting into M size diapers. I’m so proud!

Sleep: 5 + 3 (2) + 1.5

In other news, a nice story on Niki Taylor picking motherhood over modelling.