Strange Machines

I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been falling asleep a lot while nursing both kids to sleep. They both latch on and nurse till they sleep. Jade usually unlatches first and rolls over to her crib and then Jack rolls over to his side and sleeps too.

But when the nightwaking party begins, all bets are off. Sometimes one wakes and calls for me, waking the other if I don’t hear the escalating calls, and I’m back to tandem nursing them both back to bed. Maybe that is more efficient, because often after nursing one back to bed, the other wakes.

Still, I am grateful I have my iPhone and usually play some inane game or read some news offline to pass the time. I could look lovingly at them as I nurse them to sleep but it is too dark. Sometimes I do shine a bit of light on their sweet sleeping faces and think aww…

The kids and I had gastric flu last week (or was it the week before) and fart jokes were abound. With hourly wakings and tummy trouble all around, it was a wonder anyone got any rest.

All I can say about this sleepless fugue of motherhood is your body gets used to it.

Soon you too will be scoffing at your partner for needing to nap after a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep.

After all, you’re bright and cheery after 4 hours interrupted sleep with 2 kids in tow (albeit with slurred speech, a glazed expression, and a short-term memory shorter than a gnat’s, and that’s after a big shot of caffeine).

Note: tummies are better but still have an intense dislike for fried oily food and will rebel with aforementioned response if afflicted with.

Speaking of sleep, today Jack woke 2 hours early and fell asleep nursing while standing up as I was carrying Jade in the Boba carrier!

2200: Late already. Dang. Put Jade’s diaper on and dress her.

2217: Jack finally dressed after bribery of stories I made up on the spot.

2228: Lights out. Jade nurses. Play Ranch Rush on iPod Touch. Third time already. Quite bored of it. Play Orions. Wonder if still remember after such a long break.

2312: Jack nurses along with Jade. Play Orions. Thrash computer with my fave deck.

0012: Yay! Jade and Jack are out.

0015: Go get supper. Check Facebook. Reply email. Eat some Kettle chips. Drink organic milk.

0035: Jade wakes. Sigh. Play Who’s Got The Biggest Brain game on iPod Touch. Attain Cyborg status by choosing most skilled tests on pro level. Bored now.

0056: Oh no, Jack stirring. Phew! He went back to sleep. Jade still nursing feverishly. Like a deep sea diver breathing.

0058: Try pulling away but she’s not letting go. Sigh.

0101: Try pulling away again but she still holding tight. Sigh. Gonna try to unlatch…

0104: Failed. Wondering if resident roaches eating my Kettle chips.

0109: Unlatched. Jade flailed but went to sleep. Returning to chips.

0147: Jack stirs. I spot a roach on my bed! Run out and get a rolled up newspaper, swat the bastard off, he falls on the ground. I whack but he escapes under the bed. Damn! And Jack sits up rubbing his eyes. Ma, he calls. And I nurse again.

0225: He’s done.

0310: Jack wakes up with a “Ma uh Nan”, sniffle. I’ve finished placing 2 more traps under the bed to catch that confounded beast. Tomorrow I’m buying industrial strength traps. Managed to order a nice silicone case, the Agent18 Flowervest (very pretty!), for my iPod Touch and download a couple of apps. Yawn. Will sleep after this feed.

0328: Jade is up. Does her hyperventilating sound and I hurry to nurse her. Sigh.

0348: Jade finally done. Can I finally sleep?

0354: Brushed teeth, turned off light and net, ready for bed. Checked for roach. None. Jack wakes. “Mom Nan,” he says. I nurse him. Jade wheezes. I cower in fear. she stops. Only sound is Jack drinking milk. Gonna try close my eyes now. Hope the roach gets stuck in one of my traps!

0403: Reclaimed boob. Gonna zzz now.

0607: Jade wakes. Nurse. Sleep.

0715: Jack wakes. Nurse. Sleep.

1050: Alarm goes. I press snooze 3x before reaching for the chilled packet of crysanthemum white tea with Jack still attached. I drink it and feel more awake. Time to get up.

Between the 0715 feed and now, the kids woke again, maybe twice but too sleepy to register.

The kids get 12 hours sleep each which is so important for the development of their brain.

Note: This post was written on my iPod Touch. Yay!

It felt like I had much more time to myself before I had a second child. Jack was bathed, we had plenty of time to read books together and he had time to play games by himself while his Dad and I chatted or he gave me a quick back rub (for carrying his son around all day).

Having a baby and toddler definitely takes more time and energy, especially at night. We must leave wherever we are by 8.30pm or the very latest, 9pm. I bathe Jade while Daddy bathes Jack, in that order. Then I dress both children, read a little to Jack (not as much as before I regret), Jade gets tummy time, and lights out at 10.30pm.

Jade gets nursed to bed first, while Daddy reads to Jack or lets him watch some animals on YouTube. Sometimes he comes in looking for me and I nurse him too. He crawls into a kneeling position while I nurse Jade on my side or at a 45 degree angle facing Jade. Or else, when Jade falls asleep, which can take on average an hour, I call Jack and he nurses to sleep too.

That can take another hour. So if I am lucky, I get off duty (although on call) by 11.30pm. On average, it is midnight. Really unlucky, 12.30pm or 1am because Jade has woken up and needs to be nursed again or worse, wakes Jack up too so repeat and rinse.

By which time I am famished and parched and need a snack, which I enjoy in front of the computer, in the same room as the kids so I can run to them if they call for me, which is relatively often or by 3-4am. Or in Jack’s case, maybe 2am. But usually after my supper.

I wish I and other stay-home moms would not be berated for claiming some me-time at the expense of sleep. We are human too, and need to unwind. And with 2, there is even less time left in the night to claim.

Since Jade was born, Jack went from waking once or twice a night to seeral times a night. He even wakes more often than Jade. It is 2.33am now and he’s been up 3x since he slept at 11pm.

Undoubtedly it is insecurity due to his sister’s arrival. He almost always needs me to comfort him and will fight for milk in the middle of he night. Although, at bedtime he’ll let her drink first.

Daytime I try to spend more time with him but still sometimes he will ask me, Mom do you love me? It is so heartbreaking to hear. I always reassure him but sometimes it is not enough.

He dotes on her though. Tells everyone that she is his baby. Is largely gentle with her. I let him hug and kiss her, hold my breath and trust him to do well by her and he never disappoints me.

I trust him alone with her when I go and get something. He knows to watch and take care of her. He tells me, this is our family. He knows we belong together. This is when I know doing everything together benefits their bond.

It is so important for us to nurture their relationship. Too often, others will shoo the older one away from the younger one or say don’t touch or disturb her, but really we need to exercise some trust in our children or they may never learn to be trustworthy.

I have chosen physical exhaustion instead of mental exhaustion. Probably it is best for the kids too. Staying home with the 2 children has been exhausting with Jack bouncing off the 4 walls and constantly asking me questions. Carrying Jade in the Ergo and pushing Jack in Jade’s Combi pram (in case I want to let her lie in it during her alert phase) has been infinitely more rewarding.

Every day we have a playdate either with friends and their children or with family. It has been immensely more enriching for us 3 and although I am physically exhausted by the end of the day, I don’t get cabin fever and feel more alive and surprisingly, awake when out.

Night time is another story. Jack has regressed to waking as much as 20 times a night, primarily in the morning where he MUST nurse. He will let his sister nurse first though if she wakes too and thankfully, the little one sips and dozes off quickly. She only wakes on average of 3 times and not always to nurse, and can fall asleep by herself sometimes, thankfully. I wonder how long sleep regression lasts. It has been exhausting, both emotionally and physically, for both Jack and I.

The other night I took the children to the nearby park and pointed to the sky, telling Jack about the planets, moons, and stars out there and how special we all are, to even exist, against such amazing odds. He was quite enthralled.

Today, DH has taken Jack out to the park and Jade is entertaining herself on the bed, cooing in delight and talking to herself (“ah papah”) at something only she is entertained by, I am not sure what. So I grab this special me-time and finally write a post.

I am grateful she is a healthy, happy, calm, and good-natured girl. It has helped me manage both of them so much easier despite walking around in a daze of permanent delirium.

Well, I’ve given up the afternoon for all of us after several fruitless attempts. Both kids are too amused by the arrangement that no one gets any sleep. So Jack stays up till the occasional doze while we are in the car past 3pm and is relatively cranky during the day. Jade just sleeps whenever she’s sleepy in the carrier. My back hurts!

Night time was another tricky thing. Initially Jade was happy for Daddy to carry her to sleep while I nursed Jack to sleep. But now she recognises Daddy isn’t Mommy. So she screams when he carries her during lights out till he passes her to me.

So when it is lights out, all 4 of us get into bed. I nurse Jade to sleep while Daddy cuddles Jack and tells him stories. Sometimes he falls asleep but usually when Jade is done, he’ll ask for a little milk and then goes to sleep on his own. Sometimes he feels he needs more and tries to persuade me to nurse him before she falls asleep so I do for a short while, and he rolls back to Daddy (who is usually asleep by now) and I nurse Jade again. Everyone’s happy although I get real sleepy. (Last night he even kneeled to nurse a bit while I nursed Jade so technically I tandemed both at night even though I was turned towards her.)

Middle of the night wakings continue… Initially Jack was distressed when he woke up, needed to suckle but his sister was nursing. Lots of screaming and crying ensued but his calmer sister usually dozed off and gave him his turn. These days he wakes less and is happy to wait a bit. She almost sleeps through the night, which is a relief!

The first few months are tough but with help and support from the hubby, it is doable.

One of the difficulties of tandem nursing is when both kids want to nurse at the same time and you don’t or can’t. In the middle of the night and early morning is the toughest because it is hard to balance both while lying down, being really too tired to sit up. Don’t try, you’ll be even more tired.

Day time I can sit down and cuddle both. Hence today I am a zombie today, not because Jade has been up – she woke thrice but slept again quickly after a brief suckle, but Jack’d been up every hour howling for milk.

My theory: that damn chocolate cake I ate after dinner plus Jack didn’t nap that day and had only 10 hours the day before.

I’ll skip the night time chocolate and make sure Jack gets enough attention and naps today. I need my zzz too… zzz

Jack’s been developing in leaps and bounds. He’s the chattiest 2 year old my Mom’s ever met, she says. He talks to his stuffed animals, to us, and even to himself sometimes. And now he willingly sits in the pram although his first choice is for “mama carry”. Hey, I have arms of steel now.

Sleepwise, he is doing great too. He usually wakes once or twice a night. These days he sleeps 10-11 hours at night. And sometimes even drops his afternoon nap. When that happens, he dozes around 9pm for less than an hour then wakes up for a bath and short playtime before bedtime.

I was so proud of him tonight for napping in his carseat. He has a new cat friend he’d been eyeing during the last few visits to the hospital (for my checkups) and finally my Mom decided to buy it for him. He hugged his little friend to sleep. I was so happy!

No guarantees you won’t go mad halfway but they’re better than nothing. I’ve chalked up a minimum of 900 hours nursing Jack to bed (counting the first sleep only, mind you) while lying in the dark. You can’t surf on your phone or read a book – baby will see the light and not sleep. So here’s what I’ve been able to make up to do instead.

1. Relearn the multiplication table – good practice for future math tutoring.

2. Remember your baby’s birth. Wasn’t it sweet?

3. Remember the best times in your life.

4. Remember the worst. Isn’t it nice to be nursing in the dark instead?

5. Consider alternate histories. My latest thing I made up tonight. Got stuck on conversation but it was interesting. Might make for fascinating dreams.

6. Plan for tomorrow, next week, next year.

7. Plan baby’s next birthday party: who to invite, what food to serve.

8. Run through any of the WoW dungeons in your head. (Former WoW players only.)

9. Fantasize about a contact lens that works as a monitor for you to surf or play games online with a thimble for a mouse. You can see I’ve been thinking about this a while…

10. Replay a favourite movie in your mind. Or select scenes if you have a bad memory.

What do you think of when you’re nursing in the dark?