Strange Machines

Ridiculous notions I’ve heard this past month about pregnancy and child rearing:

1. Breastfeeding past the age of 1 will cause an Oedipus complex.

Wow, there must be many mothers and sons having sex now because the sons were breastfed past 1! Seriously, all documented cases I’ve read of incest involves relatives who DID NOT grow up and/or live together from birth.

2. Drinking cold water will make the baby cold.

Right and drinking hot soup will burn the child.

3. Exposing a pregnancy belly is disgraceful for a mother.

But a fashion consultant told me it is chic to do so!

4. 2 year old children need to be toilet trained whether or not they are ready for it.

Tons of research show they are not physiologically ready till 3 and the best way to toilet train is for them to be ready.

5. Children must be fat to be healthy (and hence are overfed).

We already have enough problems with obesity so I wish purporters of this notion will just read some research articles and get a clue. Just because a child is genetically slim and active doesn’t mean he doesn’t eat. He grazes, just like Dr Sears recommends. Smart kid. He’ll never be fat.

6. Children need to be dressed to look as old as they can be.

Children are only small once. Why force them to look old prematurely?

7. Mothers are not entitled to personal time.

This one probably irks me the most. People decline to help or worse, criticise very disparagingly when a poor mother stays up for a few hours after baby sleeps for some personal time, and looks rather tired the next day (we look tired every day!) because they think stay home moms should be on call 24/7 but even maids get a day off sometime! And they get to sleep through the night.

That’s all I can recall for now. You can tell I’ve been hearing these a lot. Feel free to add, and to point and laugh.

In a few days, my sweet son will be 2. Looking back, he’s achieved so much.

Today he mastered 3-puzzle jigsaws. At the last United Square toy fair, I bought him a wooden box full of lovely animal jigsaws. Only today did he bring it out to play and in a blink, he mastered them all.

His vocabulary is increasing exponentially. Today he learnt the phrase “hold the bar” (while coming down stairs). He can easily say complete sentences by himself, but even with new phrases, I don’t need to say 2-3 words at a time. He can copy half sentences after hearing them once.

It has been frequently commented that he is thin. Let’s just say it is genetic and from my side of the family. With double dominant thin genes from his maternal grandparents, it is a slam dunk. He grows proportionally. Today his Dryper XL seems to be getting tighter so I know he is growing. Just a few months ago he was wearing L!

He is 90th percentile for his age group in terms of height at 88-90cm. At 12kg he is 50th percentile for his weight.

He eats all day and I feed him healthy organic fruit and vegetables. He loves blueberries and can say hello to the nice Aunty Nancy at Why Yogurt over in Great World City there, tell her his favourite 3 berries, and remind me that the blue and pink cups that used to be displayed in the glass case are gone.

He loves playing with his cars, puzzles, reading his books, and most sweetly, is most fond of the stuffed cotton rabbit and cat I made him. He hugs them and tells everyone, “Mama made”.

At the toy store, he is happy to just browse and not buy, a habit formed from early days of “looking trips” and the very rare “buying trip”. He is happy with the toys he has at home. Even for his birthday, he just wants another of his favourite car. I was so proud.

He is loving and affectionate, showing kisses and hugs to his grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. He is very sociable, and readily waves hello and goodbye to people we meet, lending a smile to those he favours.

He greets me every morning with a grin, saying “Good Morning!” and then “Wake up, Mama!” What a fabulous way to wake up.

It has been a happy, sleepy, and wonderful 2 years with this joyful, sweet, delightful little boy. I am glad I stuck by the tenets of attachment parenting, pretty much the only parenting method supported by science and 30 years of peer-reviewed research.

The breastfeeding, co-sleeping (no cry-it-out), babywearing (no pram; sling or carrier only), and focus on positivity (no “you can’t do that”) and encouragement has been a breeze compared to others who complained about what a hassle it is to go out with so much to carry, disobedient kids. It is instant calm when Jack is nursing and his close bond to me has allowed him the security to be one of the most independent kids I know.

Attachment parenting builds a strong bond between mother and child, and equips a child with confidence, love, security, and a helluva lot of smarts.

First of all, no TV. All the studies agree it is harmful. It is common sense that a child spending one hour playing with his toys or running around in the park is learning more than a child passively watching TV, yes, even the “educational” programs. We, as humans, learn best by example, in the real world.

We choose our battles. By allowing him to win the small battles, such as choosing the clothes he’d like to wear, and what toys to play, he allows us to win the big ones, such as when it is time to go (we rarely have a problem with that, after giving him 5 minutes grace then he waves bye bye) and when it is bedtime.

Today he can readily say he is ready to sleep. With the former, he has grown confident of his choices and truly, he has great taste in clothes.

His artwork is all over our home, the prized ones hung in the bedroom. He loves drawing and we regard each piece as a work of art. Just in 3 months, his work has evolved so much. And he is very proud of it.

We negotiate now. I believe it is an important skill he needs in life. He wants to go out to the park. I say okay, after your meal. He thinks about it then looks at me and says ok. And we eat, then we go out. I keep all my promises to him and so does his dad.

Integrity is something so important and yet so overlooked. I was truly blessed to have a father who keeps his word to me every single time since the day I was born. If he says he will bring the newspaper, yes even something as trivial as that, he will. And he has never forgotten. That is how I learnt integrity.

And so I plan to teach it to Jack. For him to become the man I want him to be, I must become the person I want him to be.

Every day in the newspapers there are seminars and advice columns on parenting. I cringe whenever some so-called expert claims that this and that is good or bad and wonder how much of it is anecdotal and how much is actually based on fact.

Considering how much bad advice there is out there, it pays to instead:

1. Become an expert on parenting

Read extensively and regularly on studies conducted on children. See what has worked well in the past and what has repeatedly been shown to work (also called peer review).

Learn to understand how researchers conduct their studies and gather their data. The more researchers agree on a standard, the more likely it is that it can be considered fact.

Note that this is different from the idea that since everyone believes it works, it is a fact. Peer review is based on the scientific method.

2. Be an expert on your child

Develop a strong bond with your child. Interact with him often. Understand what makes him tick and what his responses mean. Earn his trust by consistently being there and giving him your full attention. Soon you will now that ‘ehh’ is his name for you and ‘em’ means he is unhappy.

You will also know if certain methods like the no-cry sleep solution can work for him (in Jack’s case it doesn’t), or if co-sleeping makes him sleep better (it sure does for Jack - he wakes up 4x in 2 hours if I am not beside him and twice in 9 hours when I am beside him), for instance.

3. Trust your instincts

All instincts need to be honed with information. On a daily basis we are picking up unconscious cues from the world around us. That is why parents instinctively treat their children the way their parents treated them.

Thus it is essential to be informed of safe parenting methods vs harmful ones like cry it out and spanking which do long-term damage to your child.

Finally, based on the research you have gathered and the knowledge you have of your child, trust your own parenting instincts on how best to tend to your little one.

If you’re feeling down or sad for apparently no reason, look around and see if the negativity is coming from somewhere nearby. Is it a well-meaning relative commenting on the neatness of your home, or your neighbour wondering about your ability to parent? All these gentle put-downs can be detrimental to your confidence as a mother and set you on the road to depression.

When this happens, identify the toxic comments and acknowledge them for what they are: someone’s opinion. You cannot change the words people choose to spew from their mouths but you can choose not to be physically close enough to hear them, or if it is not possible, choose to mark that person’s word as invalid (mind exercise: imagine everytime that person talks, place a mental stamp across his or her forehead).

You are your child’s best mother and you should not allow anyone to spoil that relationship. It is easy to believe someone else when you’re unsure, tired, and simply exhausted from parenting, whether or not you are working. If you allow that person to destroy your confidence as a mother, only you and your child will suffer for it. Not the commentor.

So give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being a great Mom. Trust your Mommy instincts. Yes, your Mommy radar is tuned. You know what your baby needs and you are confident to provide him with what he needs: love, food, warmth, comfort, and play. Your baby agrees too. Just look at his face light up when he sees you.

The price on the value of stay-home moms has been much deliberated in the news lately.

As one myself or soon to be as I wave goodbye to my career to stay home and care for Jack, I can only say it’s ridiculous to monetise this vocation or add labels to women who choose to do so. If you must do so, why not place a higher value too on grandparents who do the same, or the young maids who do so without training for someone not of their kin.

All stay-home moms want is the recognition of how much we have given up to raise our children and that we should not be penalised for being selfish (or compared with NS men - hello, mandatory!), be considered without economic value, or any of the sillyisms we have heard recently for the simple act of placing our children before our careers because we think our children are worth it.

From my research, all the evidence for a happy, confident, successful, and well-adjusted adult points to a babyhood and childhood where Mom (or at the very least, an invested caregiver) has been (omni)present, interested in him and what he does, cherishes him, holds him often, and loves him unconditionally. As parents, we all do what we believe is best for our children. This is what I believe is best for him.

And this is what I want for Jack. Not necessarily to have the best scores in school, to be a super athlete, or even to become a professional and make tons of money, but to be confident in who he is and in the choices he makes in life, and to know that no matter what bad things happen out in the world, his family loves him unconditionally for simply being him.

Now that Jack is older, I am sometimes lost on what to play with him. He is pretty independent with play, generally preferring to play on his own, his only requirement is that I am nearby. Still I would love to be able to show him new things and share in his joy of discovery.

In my Inbox this evening, this arrived: 20 fun, silly, development-boosting games to play with your baby.

I shall definitely try the Treasure Box again if he is so inclined. And also pouring water from cup to cup. The rest, he has played and is now bored with.

Today he had some bathtime and got to play with the new duck toy where I had filled water inside this inflatable duck and the fish, frog, butterfly (?), and dragonfly would float inside. He was entralled for 10 minutes patting on it and then it was over.

In the afternoon, he was fussy and rather grumpy. I read Little Fish to him several times until he was placated. He was amused that I hid in the tent for him to find me but otherwise played on his own.

1. Buy a cloth sling and practice carrying baby in it all day. It is ideal at this age because he loves to be close to Mom and sleep most of the time and it is easy to nurse in it. You can easily surf, use the loo, and go about your day. It is natural for babies to want to be carried at the time plus he gains a strong sense of self-worth being unconditionally loved by Mom all the time.

2. When he is awake and in the sling, sit him a little more upright and point out things to him as you go about your day. When you’re brushing your teeth, make funny faces to him in the mirror, when you’re pouring milk, explain how Mom drinks milk too. He’ll love being part of your day.

3. Spend some of the day with him in his crib or on your bed or on the floor. Talk to him, sing to him, animate some stuffed toys and do a little play for him, read to him. He just wants to see your face and loving glances at this point.

4. If you want to put him down for a nap, try nursing him on the side (with a small towel under you to sop up the spillage) and then once he is asleep, you can steal away. Just make sure he is safe wherever he is.

5. Remember to feed and hydrate yourself too. Make breakfast, lunch, and dinner with lots of snacks in between. Keep healthy snack food (bananas, apples, carrots, e.g.) and a bottle of water near you as you might be too exhausted to move some days.

6. Keep reading material and your phone (important for impromptu brilliant Kodak moments and surfing or checking Gmail) near you in case you suddenly need to nurse and can’t get up to get stuff.

7. If there’s someone else in the house to help you, ensure they have a mobile phone too so you can keep your phone on silent and send text messages when you need help and baby is asleep.

8. Create a routine for yourself and follow it everyday. It will help you manage your day better for now.

9. Rest as much as you can. It’s impossible to nap with baby every time but just lying down helps. Get some me-time as well. Let Daddy play with baby for as much time as he can spare for important Dad-bonding (children who have involved fathers are more self-confident and possess better self-worth as adults).

10. Believe in yourself. The most critical thing for this period is to build your confidence as a mother and bond with your child. Everything else should take a backseat. Enjoy every moment with baby for you’ll never get back this precious time when they are so tiny.