Strange Machines

If he has a posse of stuffed animal friends already, have them line up enthused to take the meds to get better from (the same ailment your child has). Should your little one not bite the first time round, have the stuffed geniuses cheer about how much better they feel and go queue up for another round.

First time we tried this, it went on for 3 rounds before Jack finally jumped queue and wanted to take it too. We kindly told him to wait his turn or ask the animal friend if he could take his place. The kind friend said okay, and since that day, we’ve never had any trouble getting Jack to take his meds (with lots of cheering too).

These days, he picks out his fave friends to take meds before him! Cos they’re sick too. LOL!

Many people ask me why I practice attachment parenting (well, usually aspects of it like carrying Jack, nursing him still at 2, and co-sleeping). Simply because it is the only scientifically proven method to produce a happy, smart, well-adjusted adult. This is not to say that other methods of parenting will not. But that attachment parenting (AP) consistently does.

If you want to build a airplane, you study to become an aerospace engineer. If you want to be a great lawyer, you study the law. If you want to become a doctor, you learn all you can about medicine and leverage on hundreds of years of medical experience and expertise to apply the best solution to a patient’s problem.

So why do so many parents not approach parenting the same way? Many don’t even bother to pick up a book or Google for advice and instead listen to well-meaning advice (aka hearsay) from dubious sources. The precious generation did not know best. Look at all the outdated practices like spanking and cry-it-out debunked and proven seriously harmful already. Now, surely during this age of enlightenment and science, scientists have come up with a “best practice” for parenting. And indeed they have.

It is attachment parenting. And you don’t even need to pick up a book although I will recommend a few. Google “attachment parenting” and a whole wealth of resources will be at your feet (if you can see them at this point, if pregnant).

Support from the scientific community is evident in the numerous research studies published on the various aspects of AP. It may not be apparent in the general attachment parenting pages but you’ll find them reported in scientific journals and the news. Keep an eye out for them.

Here are some AP practices:

1. Extended nursing
2. Sleep sharing
3. Positive parenting
4. Mutual respect
5. Enforcing limits
6. Natural food
7. Babywearing
8. Lots of hugs and attention, love, care, praise, encouragement, and smiles
9. Encourage baby to bond with others
10. Teach baby respect for himself and others

Now AP has been criticised for being extremely difficult to practice without an army of help. I agree. I have no one but my husband and occasionally my Dad to help out and am exhausted and sleep deprived every day. Everyone needs some time off and I am grateful I encouraged my husband and Dad to bond with Jack since the day he was born. I trust them implicitly to care for him and he loves and adores them very much.

Despite my constant tiredness, Jack and I have a wonderful bond which is evident in our matching grins when we share a joke, laugh together at funny things, sing together, or nurse together when I hold him like a baby again and he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration that I would slay dragons for him. Heck, he even lets me sleep in nowadays and gently suggests I wake once in a while with a big grin in my face and a “Good Morning Mommy!”

He is easy to bring out to town by myself in his Ergo carrier and stays close when on the run. I frequently get comments on how polite, well-spoken, and happy he is. He listens to me and will accept reason, negotiations, and bribery/carrots. (Yes! I am guilty!) Desserts are fruits and treats are tiny Japanese ice creams. He eats all the foods I offer and often asks for more vegetables.

I work very hard to be my husband’s cheerleader, as well as the cheerleader of all those important to my son. They are his heroes and I paint them as kind and loving and shining examples of humanity as I can and when held to task, they often exceed his expectations. For families, there’s this wonderful Ladybird book called My Superdad which I highly recommend everyone buying to read to their child. Dad will feel like a superhero every time his child points at him and says, “Look at that! It’s SuperDad!” like Jack does.

AP is a journey. A wonderful journey for all parents who wish to embark on it. After all, you are building a lifelong relationship with this small mini-me of yours, why not make it a beautiful relationship. It has made me a better, kinder, more patient person (ask any of my friends!) keeping admirable Margaret Thatcher hours. Oh yes, the extra overtime you put in the first few years will save you years of worry, grief, and therapy bills later, so jokes one of the authors below. :p

Highly recommended books for a happy, sociable, smart, and loving child:
Note: no TV or daycare needed:

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Dr Harvey Karp

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr Harvey Karp

Making Happy People: The Nature of Happiness and Its Origins in Childhood by Paul Martin

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

Since Jack gathered a posse of stuffed animal friends, we’ve been gossiping with them on many levels. Gossip, a technique suggested by Dr Harvey Karp of Happiest Toddler on the Block fame (I highly recommend it for its practical and useful techniques!), involves you whispering within hearing limits to another person (or stuffed animal) exactly the thing you’d like your child to do. The premise is that gossip carries more weight than a direct mention since it was never mention for the hearer to hear.

It has worked since the first day we tried it.

Most often, I tell his Dad what sweet things he did that day and how lovely it would be if he did it every day. Positive stuff, you know. Things that reinforce good behaviour. Like picking up his toys, eating well at lunch, helping me tidy up, helping me get the newspaper, waking Mom up gently with a big smile in her face and a sweet “Good morning Mommy”, and treating things at stores and at home too, with respect. He’d be playing with something with one ear perked up, and lo and behold, the next day, he would, without prompting, do it!

Also useful is how to get your child to make medicine! I have had some experience getting my cats to take meds and I have to say, it is much easier with humans. With both species, the direct method of shoving spoon in mouth does not work. Nor does the syringe.

So here’s a bit of goss and peer pressure to publicise the fun of medicine taking.

Gossip part: the first time, I chatted with his (plush) friends about how sick children need to take meds to get better. We’ve all been down with some form of cold or flu for a while and so, even the friends have been down with it. They’d talk among each other (Gray would tell Biscuit how he got better taking the meds and Biscuit would be all, wow! I should too!).

Peer pressure part: The most effective of course, to get your kids to take medicine, is to have all his friends clamour for it. Jack had been resistant to taking medicine from day one.

So we didn’t make a big deal. Instead just announced it was time to take medicine. His stuffed friends would all cheer “Yay, it is medicine time! I love to take medicine when I am sick!” and run to queue beside me for their turn to take the meds and their Dad would be standing there cheerily giving each friend a sip.

Jack watched in amazement as all his buddies cried, “Yummy! Thanks Dad!” Or “I feel better already”, and joined the queue for a second round! Then he decided he wanted in too! He said, “baby too!” and jumped the queue.

During the first couple of time, he would make a face and run off after a taste. But watching his friends go on round after round taking imaginary sips, he’d go back one or two rounds to finish off the meds. There’d be a loud cheer from everyone after, and next time, a noticeable absence from some of the friends who were already well.

In our last two sessions yesterday and tonight, we incorporated a lesson in queuing too. Since Jack is now enthused about taking meds (and specifically said he preferred a particular colour over another) we stated that he has to queue and wait his turn. He did, and all the kids are now happy asleep and en route to recovery.

No doubt tomorrow will bring more goss and fun peer activities with Jack and his sweet stuffed buddies. May we all get well soon.

Every day in the newspapers there are seminars and advice columns on parenting. I cringe whenever some so-called expert claims that this and that is good or bad and wonder how much of it is anecdotal and how much is actually based on fact.

Considering how much bad advice there is out there, it pays to instead:

1. Become an expert on parenting

Read extensively and regularly on studies conducted on children. See what has worked well in the past and what has repeatedly been shown to work (also called peer review).

Learn to understand how researchers conduct their studies and gather their data. The more researchers agree on a standard, the more likely it is that it can be considered fact.

Note that this is different from the idea that since everyone believes it works, it is a fact. Peer review is based on the scientific method.

2. Be an expert on your child

Develop a strong bond with your child. Interact with him often. Understand what makes him tick and what his responses mean. Earn his trust by consistently being there and giving him your full attention. Soon you will now that ‘ehh’ is his name for you and ‘em’ means he is unhappy.

You will also know if certain methods like the no-cry sleep solution can work for him (in Jack’s case it doesn’t), or if co-sleeping makes him sleep better (it sure does for Jack – he wakes up 4x in 2 hours if I am not beside him and twice in 9 hours when I am beside him), for instance.

3. Trust your instincts

All instincts need to be honed with information. On a daily basis we are picking up unconscious cues from the world around us. That is why parents instinctively treat their children the way their parents treated them.

Thus it is essential to be informed of safe parenting methods vs harmful ones like cry it out and spanking which do long-term damage to your child.

Finally, based on the research you have gathered and the knowledge you have of your child, trust your own parenting instincts on how best to tend to your little one.

1. Give baby something to hold

Either a hand towel or blankie will do. Keeps baby feeling secure. Especially useful for babies who don’t like being swaddled (ahem).

2. Hand towels are perfect for nursing

Keep them around baby’s neck like a bib and under your boob (so your nursing bra doesn’t get milk on it). You can use it to wipe milk from baby’s mouth as well.

3. Stay away from folks of the previous generation

They will almost invariably make some comment about your parenting style that will annoy you, from the way you carry baby to how you feed him or her.

4. Remind yourself baby is not crying to upset you

Baby is crying because he needs you to help him. He can’t communicate by any other way but crying so learn to read his cues.

5. Learn to read baby’s cues

He is usually one of 5 things: hungry (mouth roots for breast), sleepy (yawns, rubs eyes), needs a burp, needs a diaper change, too hot (feel forehead) or too cold. Go down the list. One of them should be the culprit.

6. Nurse baby often

It helps you two bond, especially when you look lovingly into his eyes when you do so (no matter how tired you are), and it helps your uterus shrink (read: tummy flat). Plus, nursing calms baby down (unless he needs a burp).

(Author’s note: This post was written when Jack was a month old and I had just gotten back home. I thought it was significant to include it because these were tips helpful for me then. I’ve added a few more relevant to that time period.)