Strange Machines

Yeah I seriously plan in advance. So now during sale season I can’t help but think what new togs we need for the new baby when it is born.

I think we’re doing ok with slings. I have a wardrobe full. We’ve adapted (actually credit goes to Mom) the cot to accommodate Jack for now so I can stretch a bit. Although these nights I end up sleeping in it. Sigh… We’re still a co-sleeping family so we’re going to keep with it with the new baby too.

Car seats - the biggie and probably the most expensive. I was lucky to have a bunch of seriously expensive car seats handed down to me from my sibs, but with one in our car, one in grandma’s, one in grandpa’s, we would need to buy 3 more good car seats to drive to anywhere!

Okay, maybe not. Jack is almost 1m tall at 2.5 years old so he could use a booster. I’ll have to see if that is safe. But there’s no harm in looking out for a well-made safe infant car seat for baby for now. After all, April won’t be sale season.

In other news, I am still horribly nauseous and tired all the time, which is why I haven’t been blogging much. I must have missed the memo that said nausea and exhaustion DOES NOT stop after the first trimester.

I’m a real laid back Mom. As a teen, danger was my middle name. I have the proud scars and trophies to show for it. And a fond memory of a black Kawasaki trail bike I spray painted myself, whom I named Tommy Ray after a character in Clive Barker’s grand novel The Great and Secret Show.

As a kid, I loved to play in the mud, climb trees, windows, the gate, just about everything and I never fell. I loved the outdoors and I loved risky adventures. We had a small garden filled with lots of plants and trees where a little girl could bring her stuffed animal friends and play make believe. It was a wonderful, happy, stress-free childhood.

I intend for Jack to have the same.

So it is to no surprise that I not only encourage my son to climb, jump, play in mud, I also teach him safety rules. For instance, when he climbs, he must concentrate on what he’s doing, and he must hold on with both hands. If he needs help, he must ask. And I’ll only let him climb places which I deem safe, which is almost anywhere.

These days I am lazy and loathe the sun, but I will slather on sunblock and be prepared to swelter just so my boy can enjoy the park nearby and visit the lovely jungle trails at our zoo. And oh he loves it. He’ll swing like a monkey on the handrails while we wait for the tram and race through the path like a speeding bullet. He’s the most active child I know.

Research agrees risky fun play is critical for survival skills like making judgement calls and assessing danger, especially in this modern world:

According to the study, kids need the adventure of “risky” play: “Risk-taking increases the resilience of children,” said one researcher. “It helps them make judgments,” said another. They list examples of risky play that should be encouraged including fire-building, den-making, watersports, paintballing, boxing and climbing trees.

Arnon Lotem, a researcher at Tel Aviv University, found that modern people have adopted risk-taking behaviors similar to those of animals like rats and bees. And this behavior, Prof. Lotem says might not prepare humankind for the types modern dangers we face every day — like crossing the street, accepting a high-risk mortgage, driving on the freeway, or flying a plane.

(Sources: New Study: Kids Need the Adventure of “Risky” Play; Humans Evolved to Fear Snakes, Not High-Risk Mortgages or Risks at Traffic Lights)

Many people ask me why I practice attachment parenting (well, usually aspects of it like carrying Jack, nursing him still at 2, and co-sleeping). Simply because it is the only scientifically proven method to produce a happy, smart, well-adjusted adult. This is not to say that other methods of parenting will not. But that attachment parenting (AP) consistently does.

If you want to build a airplane, you study to become an aerospace engineer. If you want to be a great lawyer, you study the law. If you want to become a doctor, you learn all you can about medicine and leverage on hundreds of years of medical experience and expertise to apply the best solution to a patient’s problem.

So why do so many parents not approach parenting the same way? Many don’t even bother to pick up a book or Google for advice and instead listen to well-meaning advice (aka hearsay) from dubious sources. The precious generation did not know best. Look at all the outdated practices like spanking and cry-it-out debunked and proven seriously harmful already. Now, surely during this age of enlightenment and science, scientists have come up with a “best practice” for parenting. And indeed they have.

It is attachment parenting. And you don’t even need to pick up a book although I will recommend a few. Google “attachment parenting” and a whole wealth of resources will be at your feet (if you can see them at this point, if pregnant).

Support from the scientific community is evident in the numerous research studies published on the various aspects of AP. It may not be apparent in the general attachment parenting pages but you’ll find them reported in scientific journals and the news. Keep an eye out for them.

Here are some AP practices:

1. Extended nursing
2. Sleep sharing
3. Positive parenting
4. Mutual respect
5. Enforcing limits
6. Natural food
7. Babywearing
8. Lots of hugs and attention, love, care, praise, encouragement, and smiles
9. Encourage baby to bond with others
10. Teach baby respect for himself and others

Now AP has been criticised for being extremely difficult to practice without an army of help. I agree. I have no one but my husband and occasionally my Dad to help out and am exhausted and sleep deprived every day. Everyone needs some time off and I am grateful I encouraged my husband and Dad to bond with Jack since the day he was born. I trust them implicitly to care for him and he loves and adores them very much.

Despite my constant tiredness, Jack and I have a wonderful bond which is evident in our matching grins when we share a joke, laugh together at funny things, sing together, or nurse together when I hold him like a baby again and he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration that I would slay dragons for him. Heck, he even lets me sleep in nowadays and gently suggests I wake once in a while with a big grin in my face and a “Good Morning Mommy!”

He is easy to bring out to town by myself in his Ergo carrier and stays close when on the run. I frequently get comments on how polite, well-spoken, and happy he is. He listens to me and will accept reason, negotiations, and bribery/carrots. (Yes! I am guilty!) Desserts are fruits and treats are tiny Japanese ice creams. He eats all the foods I offer and often asks for more vegetables.

I work very hard to be my husband’s cheerleader, as well as the cheerleader of all those important to my son. They are his heroes and I paint them as kind and loving and shining examples of humanity as I can and when held to task, they often exceed his expectations. For families, there’s this wonderful Ladybird book called My Superdad which I highly recommend everyone buying to read to their child. Dad will feel like a superhero every time his child points at him and says, “Look at that! It’s SuperDad!” like Jack does.

AP is a journey. A wonderful journey for all parents who wish to embark on it. After all, you are building a lifelong relationship with this small mini-me of yours, why not make it a beautiful relationship. It has made me a better, kinder, more patient person (ask any of my friends!) keeping admirable Margaret Thatcher hours. Oh yes, the extra overtime you put in the first few years will save you years of worry, grief, and therapy bills later, so jokes one of the authors below. :p

Highly recommended books for a happy, sociable, smart, and loving child:
Note: no TV or daycare needed:

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Dr Harvey Karp

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr Harvey Karp

Making Happy People: The Nature of Happiness and Its Origins in Childhood by Paul Martin

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

Jack’s fave hangout is the zoo now. We’ve gone 3 times already this month and looks like this weekend we might head there again. I attempted to bond with the frustrated white tiger that keeps pacing but he refuses to blink back at me. The lioness that naps on the perch almost did though.

Last time, Jack and his cousin Kaitlyn sang nursery rhymes all the way to the zoo. Both kids also went cheek to cheek with the giraffes and we had a few pics taken. On the way home, both dozed off with their mouths open.

Today we spent most of our time with the zebras and giraffes. When asked if he wanted to sit on the elephants, he said, look only. Later at home, he said, not scared, ready to ride. At the exit, we saw a baby horse and Jack petted it gently!

Meanwhile, Jack loves to smile for the camera now, although for now, it looks more of a grimace.

Jack and Gavin last weekend. Gavin’s Mom is the ultracool supermom figur8 of Babylicious. The boys painted Suntec City, Orchard Road, and Great World City red while we Moms had a splendid time catching up. Here they are looking like we caught them on camera managing mischief.

The one thing I wanted real bad as a kid was to celebrate Halloween. How could I not? All the books I read had children in funny Halloween costumes going from house to house trick or treating. It was THE thing to do as a kid. But of course, here we never celebrated it. And if we attempted it, neighbours would probably think we were whacked.

Then again, this generation might be a tad more open-minded with global television and the Internet. And we live in a different neighbourhood now. We know all our neighbours and they know us, and most of them are kind and friendly, especially since we had Jack. I can truly see Jack, in a few years, togged up in some cute Halloween costume inspired from the Costume Chatter Blog carrying an empty pumpkin I probably scooped out for him, with a group of friends trick or treating to the bemused aunties and uncles in our block.

Despite this being a rather safe country, I’d still watch from afar and warn him to stay close, limiting his adventures to our block and on the ground floor only where I can see him. I’d grill him on Halloween safety tips to ensure he doesn’t get in trouble. And his evening of Halloween fun would end right here, at home with Mom giving him and his little friends a ton of nice treats and a Halloween party.

Wouldn’t you say that’s living vicariously through my baby?

Jack’s been up every night from 3am to almost 6am since a couple of weeks back. Okay actually I don’t remember exactly. But recently. Cos I have been getting 4-5 hours sleep every night by the time I finally put him back to bed.

He wakes at 3. I nurse and he’s out again by 3.15. Cries again around 3.40 then nurses till 4.15. I think he’s sleeping at 4.30 and run off to pee but then he howls for me and throws himself into my lap. We nurse again till 5. I try to sneak off. He sits up and holds my arm. So here I am back at 5.37, typing furiously. Wondering when my sweet son will sleep through the night. Well, at least go back to sleep easy.

Oops he stirs again.

Our world is becoming increasingly fractured.

Humans, social animals by nature, are sequestered from the better world by crazy work hours, social obligations (not usually for pleasure, or so it seems), and an idle inquiry in the unimportant (aka TV).

People are turning to counsellors to their problems. Few have time to listen and few feel compelled to open up to their friends, especially if they haven’t spent enough time nurturing their friendships with work hours getting ridiculously longer. And those are the lucky ones. Many turn to drink or worse vices. Heck if you need to find someone to talk to in person, check out a Counseling Services List or a Counseling Services Directory.

A friend of mine once said, if you want a happy life, move to Australia where people finish work at 4 or 5, have time for outdoor activities, their families, have barbecues with friends and overall, lead a more peaceful life. You can actually have a family life.

And it is true. Friends of mine there are happily taking at least a year off to nurture their children. Fathers have time to spend with their children. They live in a nice house with a garden (with actual grass). No one feels hurried or caught in a rat race to compete.

Here, we’re in the thick of it. But it is possible to live in the rat race but not compete. What is a rat race but an unending loop which no one ever wins. Heck even Bill Gates got toppled with Warren Buffett (my idol) this year. It is possible to exist in the system but live out of it. And believe me, we are much happier than when we were both working and getting home at 9-10pm every night.

We don’t go to fancy restaurants, drive a fancy car, buy that spanking new condo, or buy any branded stuff. Everything’s made in China nowadays anyway - what’s the difference but the tag? My $3 Old Navy tee feels more comfortable than the $50 (see I can’t even remember the brand) top I bought years ago on sale. Plus, having modelled before, I am used to people paying me to wear their label, not me pay for their label and wear it for them all the time!

Good quality food and books are what we spend our money on, as well as paying off our home and car. The rest, we spend with family and good friends. Jack changed it for us. We want a better world for him. A better life. A happy life. Children do that I think. He has changed us for the better.

I try to cook more, to create a sweet family environment for Jack to grow up in. To remember his Mom in the kitchen cooking for him, Dad coming home to hug and kiss him. Us having dinner and talking together. Mom and Dad reading to him, sharing a cuddle before bedtime. Those are the things I want him to remember. A loving happy home.

Since as far as I can remember, Jack has always loved puzzles. One of his fave toys is still a wooden puzzle box with many 3-piece animal jigsaws inside. He’ll sit and play while he has lunch or dinner. At his cousin’s he encountered a more complex set of jigsaws. Some were up to 15 pieces.

Still he was unfazed. He’d ask me to help and I gladly taught him to look at the board and look at the pieces, fit in the corners, then the sides, and then the middle pieces. To my amazement, he managed a 9 piece puzzle by himself today! I was so proud!

I never realised it but I was schooling Jack about needs vs wants from the day he could say Toys R Us some one year ago.

Before we go into Toys R Us, I’d tell him whether it is a looking trip or a buying trip. He’d nod okay and proceed to thrill himself looking at all the cars. It is roughly one buying trip per 10 looking trips and usually he can choose something small for himself that costs under $10.

Initially he’d buy something cos he can but more recently he would choose something that he really likes. If he doesn’t like anything, he wouldn’t buy anything since I tell him he can carry a buying trip forward to the next trip.

Of course there are the sums too. He’s been more fascinated about bigger cars because the doors can open and close and sometimes he asks if he can buy those. I’d point to the price and say, that costs $49 and it is way more than $10.

My friend Sarah tells of a trip she, her boyfriend, dear hubby, and Jack had at Toys R Us. Someone asked if Jack wanted to buy anything and he proclaimed, “no need”. His Dad was so proud, he said, “that’s my boy!” I was so proud too!

On a separate note, I started reading Chinese books to him and he seems to be learning the Chinese characters faster than English words, although he can read most of the alphabets by now. His memory is amazing! He can cite some of the moons in the Solar System, some galaxies, and many nebulas! It is so thrilling to watch.