Strange Machines

The kids and I had gastric flu last week (or was it the week before) and fart jokes were abound. With hourly wakings and tummy trouble all around, it was a wonder anyone got any rest.

All I can say about this sleepless fugue of motherhood is your body gets used to it.

Soon you too will be scoffing at your partner for needing to nap after a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep.

After all, you’re bright and cheery after 4 hours interrupted sleep with 2 kids in tow (albeit with slurred speech, a glazed expression, and a short-term memory shorter than a gnat’s, and that’s after a big shot of caffeine).

Note: tummies are better but still have an intense dislike for fried oily food and will rebel with aforementioned response if afflicted with.

Speaking of sleep, today Jack woke 2 hours early and fell asleep nursing while standing up as I was carrying Jade in the Boba carrier!

It felt like I had much more time to myself before I had a second child. Jack was bathed, we had plenty of time to read books together and he had time to play games by himself while his Dad and I chatted or he gave me a quick back rub (for carrying his son around all day).

Having a baby and toddler definitely takes more time and energy, especially at night. We must leave wherever we are by 8.30pm or the very latest, 9pm. I bathe Jade while Daddy bathes Jack, in that order. Then I dress both children, read a little to Jack (not as much as before I regret), Jade gets tummy time, and lights out at 10.30pm.

Jade gets nursed to bed first, while Daddy reads to Jack or lets him watch some animals on YouTube. Sometimes he comes in looking for me and I nurse him too. He crawls into a kneeling position while I nurse Jade on my side or at a 45 degree angle facing Jade. Or else, when Jade falls asleep, which can take on average an hour, I call Jack and he nurses to sleep too.

That can take another hour. So if I am lucky, I get off duty (although on call) by 11.30pm. On average, it is midnight. Really unlucky, 12.30pm or 1am because Jade has woken up and needs to be nursed again or worse, wakes Jack up too so repeat and rinse.

By which time I am famished and parched and need a snack, which I enjoy in front of the computer, in the same room as the kids so I can run to them if they call for me, which is relatively often or by 3-4am. Or in Jack’s case, maybe 2am. But usually after my supper.

I wish I and other stay-home moms would not be berated for claiming some me-time at the expense of sleep. We are human too, and need to unwind. And with 2, there is even less time left in the night to claim.

Well, I’ve given up the afternoon for all of us after several fruitless attempts. Both kids are too amused by the arrangement that no one gets any sleep. So Jack stays up till the occasional doze while we are in the car past 3pm and is relatively cranky during the day. Jade just sleeps whenever she’s sleepy in the carrier. My back hurts!

Night time was another tricky thing. Initially Jade was happy for Daddy to carry her to sleep while I nursed Jack to sleep. But now she recognises Daddy isn’t Mommy. So she screams when he carries her during lights out till he passes her to me.

So when it is lights out, all 4 of us get into bed. I nurse Jade to sleep while Daddy cuddles Jack and tells him stories. Sometimes he falls asleep but usually when Jade is done, he’ll ask for a little milk and then goes to sleep on his own. Sometimes he feels he needs more and tries to persuade me to nurse him before she falls asleep so I do for a short while, and he rolls back to Daddy (who is usually asleep by now) and I nurse Jade again. Everyone’s happy although I get real sleepy. (Last night he even kneeled to nurse a bit while I nursed Jade so technically I tandemed both at night even though I was turned towards her.)

Middle of the night wakings continue… Initially Jack was distressed when he woke up, needed to suckle but his sister was nursing. Lots of screaming and crying ensued but his calmer sister usually dozed off and gave him his turn. These days he wakes less and is happy to wait a bit. She almost sleeps through the night, which is a relief!

The first few months are tough but with help and support from the hubby, it is doable.

After one of the roughest and exhausting nights in my nursing history when Jack nursed almost every hour on my completely sore and exhausted nipples (and howling as if the world was ending if he didn’t receive any – “I really really want NAN!”), Jack cheered me with a lovely conversation about me not going back to work.

His Dad asked him, “How about Mom goes back to work and then we have more money to buy you more toys?”

He looked at me and said, “No, I want Mom to look after me. I have enough toys. See,” gesturing to his stuffed animals on the cot. “I have so many friends.”

Then he hugged me. :`)

It’s been an interesting pregnancy to say the least. And I have not been myself. Much.

Hang upside down and I still upchuck my food, I cry at a drop of a hat, and I wilt under the hot sun. I worry unnecessarily, eat too much junk, and can’t walk round the zoo anymore. Very not me.

Still, my dear friends and family take me and Jack out and cheer me much. Today my sweet friend Carol buoyed me with a lovely story of how she rescued a turtle from being cooked in a Hong Kong restaurant.

I feel distinctly hippo-like although I have been told I look “compact” (by strangers largely). Friends and family have told me I look much bigger. I’ve gained 16kg and as of 33 weeks, my baby girl is 2.1kg. A good weight, the doctor says. She’s growing well.

After a meal I feel like throwing up. Yes, even in the third trimester. My back hurts constantly. My pelvis feels like an elephant is sitting on it. I move like one too. And that awful insomnia is back. Doesn’t help that Jack senses baby is coming and has been waking up more often at night for milk.

The thought of an epidural frightens me some still. I’d be lying if I wasn’t feeling a little eww about THAT CUT again. The prospect of a potential C-section is terrifying. The indignity of the enema is well, undignified. Thing about labour is no one can predict what it will be.

Still, I’m looking forward to the birth in 6 weeks (plus, minus). Of meeting this little girl who has been growing inside me and hoping real hard all the stress from the whole pregnancy won’t have affected her, nor the potential poisons – pollution, smoke, pesticides, etc – I have unintentionally exposed her to.

I hope she’ll have the resilience of my mother, the memory (literally – he has a memory like a computer) and reliability of my father, the different smarts of her parents, her Daddy’s charm and steadfastness, my nose, and my mother’s eyes. She has the prettiest eyes in my whole family.

And Jack? He’s growing like a weed. 1m tall already. A genius with the iTouch. He spies the new games I download for him in a flash. Last night he discovered a yoga app I downloaded for myself and proceeded to copy its moves. His Dad and I had a ball of a time watching and instructing him. He continued his yoga practice this morning. :p

He’s sweet, smart, funny, and a sheer delight to be with. He’s the reason why I decided to have a second. Ready for his sister (somewhat), he is prepared to share only one boob with her and has agreed to allow her to sit on his lap while nursing.

It is going to be an interesting 6 weeks to come.

Breastfeed a Toddler – Why on Earth?

Because it is the most natural thing on Earth! Women have been doing it since we crawled out of the ocean and stood on 2 legs. Why is it suddenly unnatural now?

Children breastfed are less sick, bond better with their mother, are generally happier, more secure, and more independent.

It is hilarious what notions the superstitious and ignorant can come up with about breastfeeding when they are the ones supposedly more old-school. I think Shen wrote it best.

As those who know me know, I can be stubborn as a mule. There were violent protests when I told everyone I’d be nursing Jack even during pregnancy but the toughest part was not the critics but the soreness of my nipples.

A yelp-worthy pain, for the first 10 seconds or so, and then it is okay. But with toddler teeth, especially with a half-asleep baby, it can turn into scream-worthy agony when he bites down unintentionally, like he did tonight. I begged him to let go and in his sleep, he did! Nipple is still stinging though.

At 2.5 years, Jack is not quite yet prepared to wean. He does release the nipple most times and says, “enough” and rolls over to sleep by himself, so maybe he is partway to self-weaning (the most ideal way). It must have been his 5 day bout of the flu that kickstarted his back-to-back nursing again.

There’s really no solution to it but deep breathing, grinning, and baring it. I’ve been doing that since I got pregnant and the soreness is not abating. In fact some articles say it might get worse in the 2nd trimester! Still I’m not giving up, but I am going to try some gentle negotiation during the day and try to be more positive about it myself. (Bought an iTouch with hubby’s blessing to distract during long and painful nursing sessions.)

I’ve been lurking at the KellyMom boards and found some really helpful advice as well as a link to a great article at the LLL about Love, Limits, and Tandem Nursing. Just had to share it.

On a separate note, I just realised that aside from IncomeShield, I have no other health insurance since my corporate one lapsed when I left my last job. Here, maternity insurance is real hefty, so I think I’ll take my chances with the good and competent staff of our government hospitals.

No guarantees you won’t go mad halfway but they’re better than nothing. I’ve chalked up a minimum of 900 hours nursing Jack to bed (counting the first sleep only, mind you) while lying in the dark. You can’t surf on your phone or read a book – baby will see the light and not sleep. So here’s what I’ve been able to make up to do instead.

1. Relearn the multiplication table – good practice for future math tutoring.

2. Remember your baby’s birth. Wasn’t it sweet?

3. Remember the best times in your life.

4. Remember the worst. Isn’t it nice to be nursing in the dark instead?

5. Consider alternate histories. My latest thing I made up tonight. Got stuck on conversation but it was interesting. Might make for fascinating dreams.

6. Plan for tomorrow, next week, next year.

7. Plan baby’s next birthday party: who to invite, what food to serve.

8. Run through any of the WoW dungeons in your head. (Former WoW players only.)

9. Fantasize about a contact lens that works as a monitor for you to surf or play games online with a thimble for a mouse. You can see I’ve been thinking about this a while…

10. Replay a favourite movie in your mind. Or select scenes if you have a bad memory.

What do you think of when you’re nursing in the dark?

Many people ask me why I practice attachment parenting (well, usually aspects of it like carrying Jack, nursing him still at 2, and co-sleeping). Simply because it is the only scientifically proven method to produce a happy, smart, well-adjusted adult. This is not to say that other methods of parenting will not. But that attachment parenting (AP) consistently does.

If you want to build a airplane, you study to become an aerospace engineer. If you want to be a great lawyer, you study the law. If you want to become a doctor, you learn all you can about medicine and leverage on hundreds of years of medical experience and expertise to apply the best solution to a patient’s problem.

So why do so many parents not approach parenting the same way? Many don’t even bother to pick up a book or Google for advice and instead listen to well-meaning advice (aka hearsay) from dubious sources. The precious generation did not know best. Look at all the outdated practices like spanking and cry-it-out debunked and proven seriously harmful already. Now, surely during this age of enlightenment and science, scientists have come up with a “best practice” for parenting. And indeed they have.

It is attachment parenting. And you don’t even need to pick up a book although I will recommend a few. Google “attachment parenting” and a whole wealth of resources will be at your feet (if you can see them at this point, if pregnant).

Support from the scientific community is evident in the numerous research studies published on the various aspects of AP. It may not be apparent in the general attachment parenting pages but you’ll find them reported in scientific journals and the news. Keep an eye out for them.

Here are some AP practices:

1. Extended nursing
2. Sleep sharing
3. Positive parenting
4. Mutual respect
5. Enforcing limits
6. Natural food
7. Babywearing
8. Lots of hugs and attention, love, care, praise, encouragement, and smiles
9. Encourage baby to bond with others
10. Teach baby respect for himself and others

Now AP has been criticised for being extremely difficult to practice without an army of help. I agree. I have no one but my husband and occasionally my Dad to help out and am exhausted and sleep deprived every day. Everyone needs some time off and I am grateful I encouraged my husband and Dad to bond with Jack since the day he was born. I trust them implicitly to care for him and he loves and adores them very much.

Despite my constant tiredness, Jack and I have a wonderful bond which is evident in our matching grins when we share a joke, laugh together at funny things, sing together, or nurse together when I hold him like a baby again and he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration that I would slay dragons for him. Heck, he even lets me sleep in nowadays and gently suggests I wake once in a while with a big grin in my face and a “Good Morning Mommy!”

He is easy to bring out to town by myself in his Ergo carrier and stays close when on the run. I frequently get comments on how polite, well-spoken, and happy he is. He listens to me and will accept reason, negotiations, and bribery/carrots. (Yes! I am guilty!) Desserts are fruits and treats are tiny Japanese ice creams. He eats all the foods I offer and often asks for more vegetables.

I work very hard to be my husband’s cheerleader, as well as the cheerleader of all those important to my son. They are his heroes and I paint them as kind and loving and shining examples of humanity as I can and when held to task, they often exceed his expectations. For families, there’s this wonderful Ladybird book called My Superdad which I highly recommend everyone buying to read to their child. Dad will feel like a superhero every time his child points at him and says, “Look at that! It’s SuperDad!” like Jack does.

AP is a journey. A wonderful journey for all parents who wish to embark on it. After all, you are building a lifelong relationship with this small mini-me of yours, why not make it a beautiful relationship. It has made me a better, kinder, more patient person (ask any of my friends!) keeping admirable Margaret Thatcher hours. Oh yes, the extra overtime you put in the first few years will save you years of worry, grief, and therapy bills later, so jokes one of the authors below. :p

Highly recommended books for a happy, sociable, smart, and loving child:
Note: no TV or daycare needed:

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Dr Harvey Karp

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr Harvey Karp

Making Happy People: The Nature of Happiness and Its Origins in Childhood by Paul Martin

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

I admit I get a lot of flak for this. Jack sleeps from 11pm to 11am. I sleep from 4am to 11am. I need my personal time. For a person used to independence and heaps of down time and personal time, motherhood had made creative timekeeping a necessity. But criticism has been all round so I have kept from blogging about it (to stem the flak) till I realised many parents probably do the same and hesitate to tell anyone about it.

Most families, with at least one parent working at least till 6, will have only 1.5 hours face time with their child. This raises the question of what sort of quality time will a child get if he sleeps at 8pm? Working people need to unwind just like the rest of us so how does baby get time with Dad and Mom who just got home?

Let’s do an imaginary schedule: Dad finishes work at 6pm. Comes home by 6.30. Mom gets dinner ready by 7.30 while Dad naps or plays with baby. Meal ends with dessert by 8.30. Dad plays with baby while Mom does dishes. Mom takes a shower and gets ready for baby to have his. Now it is 9.

Baby baths with Dad and gets handed to Mom. 9.15. Mom dries and dresses baby as he plays with his cars. Dad joins them on the bed for reading time. 9.30. 3 books are read and discarded. 10. Baby wants a bit more time with cars. Ok. Mom and Dad negotiate with him and he willingly stops playing by 10.15. Lights out at 10.20 after hugs and kisses.

Baby nurses and finally falls asleep by 11.

Now that is a day we spend at home.

If we go out or to Grandma’s for dinner, we don’t get home till 9.30 or 10. Push forward and baby doesn’t sleep till 11 or 11.30. Sometimes 12.

Then he wakes up for milk at least twice a night. Some nights more, and that makes me wonder about weaning. But as Dr Sears says, weaning is a journey from one relationship to another.

Weaning is not a negative term, nor is it something that you do to a child. Weaning is a journey from one relationship to another. The Hebrew word for wean is gamal, meaning “to ripen.” In ancient times, when children were breastfed until two or three years of age, it was a joyous occasion when a child weaned. It meant the child was filled with the basic tools of the earlier stages of development and secure and ready to enter the next stage of development. A child who is weaned before his time may show anger, aggression, habitual tantrum-like behavior, anxious attachment to caregivers, and an inability to form deep and intimate relationships. We call these traits diseases of premature weaning.

I am glad I decided to breastfeed Jack till he is ready to wean. My gynae nursed her daughter till she self-weaned at 3 and supported my decision to breastfeed till he self-weans. It is sometimes tiring but I realise these nights spent nursing him arm him with a security, strength, and capacity for intimacy he will have all his life and it is worth it. What is 3 years in the face of 90 years for a child I love and adore? Nothing.

Well-meaning people have expressed tons of concern about the weaning and the strange hours we keep. But how strange are the hours? It is a necessity set in place by the working world. A child should not be forced to bed early just so “it is normal” and be denied time with his parents, especially those working. Nor will such children suffer for it because children are highly adaptable. While in Melbourne, Jack woke at 9 with the sun on his face. I had to put him to bed at 9 just so he’d get his 12 hours every night – essential for brain development.

Back home, Jack sleeps from 11pm to 11am (and more recently, 10pm to 11am with a 1-2 hour nap from 3-4 or 3-5 in between). Voluntarily too! I ask him if he is ready to sleep and he says yes, hugs Biscuit and lies down beside me for the joys of having both boobs to himself! He is alert and happy every day and wakes up refreshed with a cheery “wake up, Mama” in my face in the morning and tell me his dreams from the night before.

My mother often says, look at the hours you keep. How will Jack wake up for school next time? Now, if I am a case in point then I reinforce the notion that children are adaptable. I slept from 8pm to 8am from the day I was born till I went to school and STILL I had trouble waking up at 545am. Mom had to literally drag my sorry ass out of bed every day.

The most important thing every parent needs to do is to ensure their child gets 12-14 hours of sleep every day. It is critical for their brain development (yes I have said this twice already but it is critical). Keep your curtains closed (get black-out curtains if you need to) to encourage your child to sleep longer. Nursing babies sleep longer especially with Mom next to them for love and comfort. Here are more sleep tips from Dr Sears. We used many in the early days and they are very helpful, especially understanding how babies sleep.

And the Moms? Before baby, I used to thrive on 9-10 hours sleep a night. Uninterrupted. (Okay, that was before WoW. WoW was training for motherhood. We played from 8pm to 2am every day but that’s another story.) Now my body has gotten used to 5-6 hours a night (a nap with Jack in the afternoon helps). Of course, 8 hours is still ideal but some nights like tonight when I dozed off nursing Jack at 10pm and then waking alert at 1am, and will probably sleep again by 4am, the 6 hours I will get keeps me refreshed.

With nursing, most interruptions are brief and if I am sleeping, mostly unfelt. Jack knows his way around now and helps himself to milk at night! In fact, tonight after his second session, he made a leap, eyes closed, for the boob while I tried to edge away. I was so amused I let him nurse for another session till he unlatched himself and draped himself over my pillow and feet on Daddy’s face.