As a kid, I loved to play in the mud, climb trees, windows, the gate, just about everything and I never fell. I loved the outdoors and I loved risky adventures. We had a small garden filled with lots of plants and trees where a little girl could bring her stuffed animal friends and play make believe. It was a wonderful, happy, stress-free childhood.

I intend for Jack to have the same.

So it is to no surprise that I not only encourage my son to climb, jump, play in mud, I also teach him safety rules. For instance, when he climbs, he must concentrate on what he’s doing, and he must hold on with both hands. If he needs help, he must ask. And I’ll only let him climb places which I deem safe, which is almost anywhere.

These days I am lazy and loathe the sun, but I will slather on sunblock and be prepared to swelter just so my boy can enjoy the park nearby and visit the lovely jungle trails at our zoo. And oh he loves it. He’ll swing like a monkey on the handrails while we wait for the tram and race through the path like a speeding bullet. He’s the most active child I know.

Research agrees risky fun play is critical for survival skills like making judgement calls and assessing danger, especially in this modern world:

According to the study, kids need the adventure of “risky” play: “Risk-taking increases the resilience of children,” said one researcher. “It helps them make judgments,” said another. They list examples of risky play that should be encouraged including fire-building, den-making, watersports, paintballing, boxing and climbing trees.

Arnon Lotem, a researcher at Tel Aviv University, found that modern people have adopted risk-taking behaviors similar to those of animals like rats and bees. And this behavior, Prof. Lotem says might not prepare humankind for the types modern dangers we face every day — like crossing the street, accepting a high-risk mortgage, driving on the freeway, or flying a plane.

(Sources: New Study: Kids Need the Adventure of “Risky” Play; Humans Evolved to Fear Snakes, Not High-Risk Mortgages or Risks at Traffic Lights)

If you want to build a airplane, you study to become an aerospace engineer. If you want to be a great lawyer, you study the law. If you want to become a doctor, you learn all you can about medicine and leverage on hundreds of years of medical experience and expertise to apply the best solution to a patient’s problem.

So why do so many parents not approach parenting the same way? Many don’t even bother to pick up a book or Google for advice and instead listen to well-meaning advice (aka hearsay) from dubious sources. The precious generation did not know best. Look at all the outdated practices like spanking and cry-it-out debunked and proven seriously harmful already. Now, surely during this age of enlightenment and science, scientists have come up with a “best practice” for parenting. And indeed they have.

It is attachment parenting. And you don’t even need to pick up a book although I will recommend a few. Google “attachment parenting” and a whole wealth of resources will be at your feet (if you can see them at this point, if pregnant).

Support from the scientific community is evident in the numerous research studies published on the various aspects of AP. It may not be apparent in the general attachment parenting pages but you’ll find them reported in scientific journals and the news. Keep an eye out for them.

Here are some AP practices:

1. Extended nursing
2. Sleep sharing
3. Positive parenting
4. Mutual respect
5. Enforcing limits
6. Natural food
7. Babywearing
8. Lots of hugs and attention, love, care, praise, encouragement, and smiles
9. Encourage baby to bond with others
10. Teach baby respect for himself and others

Now AP has been criticised for being extremely difficult to practice without an army of help. I agree. I have no one but my husband and occasionally my Dad to help out and am exhausted and sleep deprived every day. Everyone needs some time off and I am grateful I encouraged my husband and Dad to bond with Jack since the day he was born. I trust them implicitly to care for him and he loves and adores them very much.

Despite my constant tiredness, Jack and I have a wonderful bond which is evident in our matching grins when we share a joke, laugh together at funny things, sing together, or nurse together when I hold him like a baby again and he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration that I would slay dragons for him. Heck, he even lets me sleep in nowadays and gently suggests I wake once in a while with a big grin in my face and a “Good Morning Mommy!”

He is easy to bring out to town by myself in his Ergo carrier and stays close when on the run. I frequently get comments on how polite, well-spoken, and happy he is. He listens to me and will accept reason, negotiations, and bribery/carrots. (Yes! I am guilty!) Desserts are fruits and treats are tiny Japanese ice creams. He eats all the foods I offer and often asks for more vegetables.

I work very hard to be my husband’s cheerleader, as well as the cheerleader of all those important to my son. They are his heroes and I paint them as kind and loving and shining examples of humanity as I can and when held to task, they often exceed his expectations. For families, there’s this wonderful Ladybird book called My Superdad which I highly recommend everyone buying to read to their child. Dad will feel like a superhero every time his child points at him and says, “Look at that! It’s SuperDad!” like Jack does.

AP is a journey. A wonderful journey for all parents who wish to embark on it. After all, you are building a lifelong relationship with this small mini-me of yours, why not make it a beautiful relationship. It has made me a better, kinder, more patient person (ask any of my friends!) keeping admirable Margaret Thatcher hours. Oh yes, the extra overtime you put in the first few years will save you years of worry, grief, and therapy bills later, so jokes one of the authors below. :p

Highly recommended books for a happy, sociable, smart, and loving child:
Note: no TV or daycare needed:

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Dr Harvey Karp

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr Harvey Karp

Making Happy People: The Nature of Happiness and Its Origins in Childhood by Paul Martin

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

]]> http://www.mephala.com/profession-attachment-parent/feed/ http://www.mephala.com/baby-takes-medicine-and-overhears-interesting-gossip/ http://www.mephala.com/baby-takes-medicine-and-overhears-interesting-gossip/#comments Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:52:18 +0000 Mephala http://www.mephala.com/?p=205 Since Jack gathered a posse of stuffed animal friends, we’ve been gossiping with them on many levels. Gossip, a technique suggested by Dr Harvey Karp of Happiest Toddler on the Block fame (I highly recommend it for its practical and useful techniques!), involves you whispering within hearing limits to another person (or stuffed animal) exactly the thing you’d like your child to do. The premise is that gossip carries more weight than a direct mention since it was never mention for the hearer to hear.

It has worked since the first day we tried it.

Most often, I tell his Dad what sweet things he did that day and how lovely it would be if he did it every day. Positive stuff, you know. Things that reinforce good behaviour. Like picking up his toys, eating well at lunch, helping me tidy up, helping me get the newspaper, waking Mom up gently with a big smile in her face and a sweet “Good morning Mommy”, and treating things at stores and at home too, with respect. He’d be playing with something with one ear perked up, and lo and behold, the next day, he would, without prompting, do it!

Also useful is how to get your child to make medicine! I have had some experience getting my cats to take meds and I have to say, it is much easier with humans. With both species, the direct method of shoving spoon in mouth does not work. Nor does the syringe.

So here’s a bit of goss and peer pressure to publicise the fun of medicine taking.

Gossip part: the first time, I chatted with his (plush) friends about how sick children need to take meds to get better. We’ve all been down with some form of cold or flu for a while and so, even the friends have been down with it. They’d talk among each other (Gray would tell Biscuit how he got better taking the meds and Biscuit would be all, wow! I should too!).

Peer pressure part: The most effective of course, to get your kids to take medicine, is to have all his friends clamour for it. Jack had been resistant to taking medicine from day one.

So we didn’t make a big deal. Instead just announced it was time to take medicine. His stuffed friends would all cheer “Yay, it is medicine time! I love to take medicine when I am sick!” and run to queue beside me for their turn to take the meds and their Dad would be standing there cheerily giving each friend a sip.

Jack watched in amazement as all his buddies cried, “Yummy! Thanks Dad!” Or “I feel better already”, and joined the queue for a second round! Then he decided he wanted in too! He said, “baby too!” and jumped the queue.

During the first couple of time, he would make a face and run off after a taste. But watching his friends go on round after round taking imaginary sips, he’d go back one or two rounds to finish off the meds. There’d be a loud cheer from everyone after, and next time, a noticeable absence from some of the friends who were already well.

In our last two sessions yesterday and tonight, we incorporated a lesson in queuing too. Since Jack is now enthused about taking meds (and specifically said he preferred a particular colour over another) we stated that he has to queue and wait his turn. He did, and all the kids are now happy asleep and en route to recovery.

No doubt tomorrow will bring more goss and fun peer activities with Jack and his sweet stuffed buddies. May we all get well soon.

Last time, Jack and his cousin Kaitlyn sang nursery rhymes all the way to the zoo. Both kids also went cheek to cheek with the giraffes and we had a few pics taken. On the way home, both dozed off with their mouths open.

Today we spent most of our time with the zebras and giraffes. When asked if he wanted to sit on the elephants, he said, look only. Later at home, he said, not scared, ready to ride. At the exit, we saw a baby horse and Jack petted it gently!

Meanwhile, Jack loves to smile for the camera now, although for now, it looks more of a grimace.

Jack and Gavin last weekend. Gavin’s Mom is the ultracool supermom figur8 of Babylicious. The boys painted Suntec City, Orchard Road, and Great World City red while we Moms had a splendid time catching up. Here they are looking like we caught them on camera managing mischief.

Instead, now I use the Australian organic brand Suki which Watson’s carries at a really reasonable price for my face and neck (night cream cos I am old), lotion for my arms and legs, and face wash for face. As for sunscreen, after much research I picked up California Baby’s Citronella SPF 30+ and have been using it since (cost me $29.90 at Brown Rice Paradise).

We don’t use hand soap anymore. I’ve replaced them all with natural soap from Victoria Market (thanks Joyce) and Kiss My Face’s Shampoo and Conditioner. I have fond memories of soap. They smell nicer too. Natural. Not that tart smell hand soap has. Plus we save on a plastic pump bottle too. Very much more eco-friendly. I didn’t buy a soap dish but used a porcelain cup lid instead. Works well.

On the rare occasion I actually use make up, I use my old Revlon eyeliner, some Japanese brand of eye brow pencil, metal eyelash crimper, Maybelline Great Lash since 1922. Since talc is kind of toxic to lungs, I stopped using that but am using Jack’s Playtex corn starch powder (he never used it) as powder. It has fragrance but at least I am not polluting my son’s lungs when I put on make up. Concealer, which I totally need for my undereye, is Revlon.

Since I never went for SKII in the first place but stuck with L’Oreal and $5.99 shampoos, the cost of going organic was a tad higher but I find my skin never ever getting a rash and it is clear and glowing (could be cos I stay out of the sun too), plus the soap lasts eons more than the lousy Lux we used to use.

I’ve always admired how good my sister looks sans make up, especially since she became an Earth mother (went organic and all). Now I’ll just have to figure out how to deal with the hair.

Now, since we are a multi-cat household, I have to make sure that the plants are safe in case the cats decide to chew on them. I Googled and cross-checked the safe plant list from the plant sciences department at UC Davis and printed that out.

Then I acquired a copy of Wolverton’s book and pored through it. It is worth buying as it tells you how to care for the plants too as well as the crucial which plant removes which chemicals better (aha!). Important for well-intentioned brown-thumbed people like myself who can kill cactuses (my 2 are dead) and have a memory made of cheese. Anyway, I got mine off Amazon but Kinokuniya sells it too (they brought it in too late and I got impatient).

Armed with all the information, I consulted my godmother, who can keep bonsais alive without watering them (evidently she got all the gardening talent in the family) and she told me to buy the plants from the nursery or Ikea. Pouncing on the opportunity to spend nagless hours at the nursery, she volunteered to take us to Far East Flora and in a win-win afternoon, we browsed to our hearts’ content while my godpa wheeled a thrilled Jack around in the plant carts.

That day I picked an Areca Palm, Boston Fern, Basil and Mint (to ward off the flies who love the kids’ poo pans), and a Janet Craig plus 2 cactuses which are dead now. So are my orchids. Okay, that’s another story.

But anyway, not long after, I went to Ikea and picked up another Janet (the one plant that is flourishing), Areca Palm (which Boy and Buffy love to chew), and another Janet-like plant that I still can’t identify but it was $1.50 and is still alive. I got a mini-Boston Fern or Kimberly Fern (they look alike but the Kimberly drops less) and to date it looks like Batman’s nemesis Two-Face (half dead half alive).

My sister donated a large flourishing Boston Fern and that lucky plant showers with me every few days (it loves to shower) and cleans the air in my room very well. Day time I take all the plants out to sun and in the evening I bring them in to clean the air. Incidentally, the plant which is thriving the best is interestingly, the Janet. Lush leaves are sprouting every day and it is growing taller than a weed.

I’m happy to report all the plants, save for those reported dead already, are still alive and seem quite happy living here, despite the occasional rude chomp from a hungry cat. Perhaps even a brown thumb can turn green with enough information, love and care, and the right amounts of sun and water.

Hmm… maybe tomorrow we’ll go to Ikea with my large Reisenthal bag…

Then again, this generation might be a tad more open-minded with global television and the Internet. And we live in a different neighbourhood now. We know all our neighbours and they know us, and most of them are kind and friendly, especially since we had Jack. I can truly see Jack, in a few years, togged up in some cute Halloween costume inspired from the Costume Chatter Blog carrying an empty pumpkin I probably scooped out for him, with a group of friends trick or treating to the bemused aunties and uncles in our block.

Despite this being a rather safe country, I’d still watch from afar and warn him to stay close, limiting his adventures to our block and on the ground floor only where I can see him. I’d grill him on Halloween safety tips to ensure he doesn’t get in trouble. And his evening of Halloween fun would end right here, at home with Mom giving him and his little friends a ton of nice treats and a Halloween party.

Wouldn’t you say that’s living vicariously through my baby?

Just one week ago I was raring to make miniature houses. A month ago I was making plush rabbits as fast as they reproduce in real life.

From 2002-2004 I wrote 5 poems every day without fail. My muse was in overdrive. I wrote like I was on fire.

In 2005, it ebbed to 5 a month and I discovered World of Warcraft and joined Sulake. All my creative energy was channelled to my job.

Then I got pregnant and in 2006 gave birth to my best creation (hang on, hubby wants to claim credit too) yet, my sweet son Jack.

And today I feel like making nothing at all. In fact online retail therapy seems to be the order of the day.

I’ve always been a writer since I wrote my first poem at 5. It rhymed. That was about it. Then came the stories in high school, written in boring classes and later passed around my friends to read like a guilty trashy novel. All horror and science fiction, of course, with a touch of innocent teenage romance. I still have them!

I don’t know why I stopped writing.

Maybe it was the blast of creative energy I needed to inject for work. Maybe I had run out of tales to tell. Maybe I had exhausted all my angst and rage, now immortalised into those poems. The demons are all gone now. Poetry was therapy for me. A catharsis. And it was wonderful, so wonderful to be acknowledged by my peers for it.

Still, I took a ten year break from poetry when I first began at 5. Then I started again at 15 (yup, all that teenage angst in rhyme), began again at 29. Furiously. Maybe in another decade I will start again. Or maybe earlier if I gather up the 10 thousand words of The Flame and try to beat it into something worth reading.

I have spent the past few years reading. A new mother’s witching hour hobby. There are many new stories in me. The amazing real ones and those fantastic ones which entrap you between words.

Perhaps when Jack sleeps through the night I will begin. As with every journey, every story begins with a single word.

He wakes at 3. I nurse and he’s out again by 3.15. Cries again around 3.40 then nurses till 4.15. I think he’s sleeping at 4.30 and run off to pee but then he howls for me and throws himself into my lap. We nurse again till 5. I try to sneak off. He sits up and holds my arm. So here I am back at 5.37, typing furiously. Wondering when my sweet son will sleep through the night. Well, at least go back to sleep easy.

Oops he stirs again.