Strange Machines

Since December 1, Jack’s been getting difficult at bedtime and sleeping even less. His first sleep lasts anything from 1-3 hours (3 if I’m lucky), then it is another 1-3 hours, and after that 1-2 hours.

So last night out of sheer exhaustion, we tried the CIO method (cry it out). Absolute wusses, we didn’t last 10 minutes. Poor Jack cried, then screamed till his lungs were hoarse. I leapt out of bed and held him close swearing never to do it again.

But tonight, after 3 hours of “winding down”, he still refused to go to bed despite rubbing his eyes many times. The moment we put him down, he began crying (maybe remembering what happened last night). Finally for the third time, I picked him up and nursed him, tried putting a semi-awake baby down, and he cried again.

I tried the Karp method (5Cs), carrying him on his side, tummy to tummy with me (actually it is my Mom’s method), and loudly shushing (this one is Karp’s). He began his soft whining which indicates he is very sleepy and he slowly fell asleep. Three times more I tried putting him down and three times he cried again. Eventually, he slept.

So here I am, rather exhausted but mentally awake (actually I wanted to check if the WoW maintenance was over), updating my blog with something very important: the dangers of CIO. Instinctively, it feels wrong to ignore my child’s crying. In this case, a mother’s instinct has been proved correct by science.

Science shows up Supernanny

A mental health expert warns that fashionable advice to ignore your child’s tears may cause lifelong harm

When it comes to the crowded and hotly debated world of how best to bring up baby, there is a new theory that uses brain scans to argue that controlled crying not only damages babies’ brains but produces angry, anxious adults.

‘If you ignore a crying child, tell them to shut up or put them in a room on their own, you can cause serious damage to their brains on a level that can result in severe neurosis and emotional disorders later in life,’ said Professor Margot Sunderland, a leading expert in the development of children’s brains and a British Medical Association award-winning author, who has already written more than 20 books on child mental health.

Based on her four-year study of brain scans and scientific research, Sunderland entreats parents to reject the modern theories of baby experts such as Gina Ford and Channel 4’s Supernanny, Jo Frost, who preach strict discipline, routine and controlled crying.

Sunderland’s book, The Definitive Child Rearing Book, to be published next month, provides step-by-step guidance on how to react to every swing in a child’s mood, even down to the best way to hug an upset baby.

‘The blunt truth is that uncomforted distress may cause damage to the child’s developing brain,’ said Sunderland, the director of Education and Training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London.

She believes that parents often do not give adequate recognition to their children’s distress. While the importance of touching, cuddling and physically soothing their babies is paramount, she also advises parents of the dangers of attempting to minimise their children’s anger and emotional distress.

‘Parents should never try to persuade their child out of feeling a certain emotion,’ she said. ‘Even if your child is reading a situation in a completely different way to you, it is important to prove to them you are empathising through the time you give them and the language and facial expressions you use.

‘If your child is upset, you will reduce rather than increase their feelings of stress by not taking their upset as seriously as you would wish someone to take your own,’ she added. ‘Attempting to jolly them out of their mood will result in them internalising their stresses, which will take the same toll on their bodies and brain as unsoothed crying.’

Sunderland also believes parents often unwittingly discipline children through shame and fear. ‘It can get quick results and parents often do not realise they are doing it,’ she said. ‘But the price on a child’s developing brain can be very high and leave a legacy of anxiety and social phobia for life. It is all too easy to break a child.’

Instead, Sunderland encourages parents to be very emotional when their child is well behaved and very matter of fact when they behave badly. ‘When telling a child off, parents should use low-key voices, a monotone that states calmly but firmly what the child has done wrong and what the punishment will be.’

Sunderland believes that parents who use fighting words and phrases that demand absolute and immediate obedience will create a defiant child while thinking words, that activate their brains by giving them a choice, will defuse intense states of emotional arousal.

Often, however, Sunderland advises that words are not necessary and that calmly holding the child who is refusing to listen is enough. ‘Sometimes the child’s brain is too hyper-aroused to respond to language and a warm and loving touch is the only thing that can calm them down without conflict.’

Sunderland offers the following advice to parents:

· Do not try to persuade the child out of their emotions, however extreme or unreasonable you might feel those emotions to be.

· Do not minimise their emotions: show through touch, tone and facial expression that you understand the intensity and quality of what they are going through.

·Be their emotional rock: be kind and calm.

·Hold them - touch is vital to calm and soothe a child.

I shall do that… and I’ll look out for the book.

(Reference: Q&A: 11-week-old and self-soothing)