Strange Machines

Since she turned one, almost overnight Kitten became incredibly attached to me. She would howl if I was out of sight and inconsolable till I picked her up.

I read on Babycenter that this is normal for her age (and vaguely recollect that her brother was the same). Funnily enough, Bear is the same now too.

It is like they are feeding off each other’s emotions. Night time it is a competition: who can nurse more. But I take it in my stride.

Maybe 4 years of night waking has made me immune and/or I’ve learnt to cherish the late night cuddle time with my little ones before they grow up all too fast and I have to start bribing for a cuddle.

There must have been an invite I missed out on cos tonight is apparently a nightwaking party. Every hour the kids would take turns waking. Nurse them each to bed. Sneak off to comp. Howl goes another kid. Sigh. I think I know why my name wasn’t on that list now.

Yes, we are still tandem nursing and some nights like tonight, the kids literally take turns waking and by morning I would have barely slept at all.

I’m criticised a lot for this, especially in a society where most women don’t breastfeed past a month. Bear gets the brunt of it for still nursing at 3+.

But as I read other blogs where moms practice peaceful parenting (well more peaceful than me), self-weaning is the natural way to go.

Critics had similar reservations about his potty training, even commenting he would be in diapers till he was 10. But one day he just decided he was ready for the toilet himself and he never looked back.

I believe for nursing it will be the same.

For now I will enjoy our nursing relationship as long as he cares to continue, knowing one day he won’t need to curl up in my arms to nurse anymore.

It is easy to be pensive and philosophical this late at night. The brain practically demands it.

Wrote NAK.

I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been falling asleep a lot while nursing both kids to sleep. They both latch on and nurse till they sleep. Kitten usually unlatches first and rolls over to her crib and then Bear rolls over to his side and sleeps too.

But when the nightwaking party begins, all bets are off. Sometimes one wakes and calls for me, waking the other if I don’t hear the escalating calls, and I’m back to tandem nursing them both back to bed. Maybe that is more efficient, because often after nursing one back to bed, the other wakes.

Still, I am grateful I have my iPhone and usually play some inane game or read some news offline to pass the time. I could look lovingly at them as I nurse them to sleep but it is too dark. Sometimes I do shine a bit of light on their sweet sleeping faces and think aww…

The kids and I had gastric flu last week (or was it the week before) and fart jokes were abound. With hourly wakings and tummy trouble all around, it was a wonder anyone got any rest.

All I can say about this sleepless fugue of motherhood is your body gets used to it.

Soon you too will be scoffing at your partner for needing to nap after a 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep.

After all, you’re bright and cheery after 4 hours interrupted sleep with 2 kids in tow (albeit with slurred speech, a glazed expression, and a short-term memory shorter than a gnat’s, and that’s after a big shot of caffeine).

Note: tummies are better but still have an intense dislike for fried oily food and will rebel with aforementioned response if afflicted with.

Speaking of sleep, today Bear woke 2 hours early and fell asleep nursing while standing up as I was carrying Kitten in the Boba carrier!

2200: Late already. Dang. Put Kitten’s diaper on and dress her.

2217: Bear finally dressed after bribery of stories I made up on the spot.

2228: Lights out. Kitten nurses. Play Ranch Rush on iPod Touch. Third time already. Quite bored of it. Play Orions. Wonder if still remember after such a long break.

2312: Bear nurses along with Kitten. Play Orions. Thrash computer with my fave deck.

0012: Yay! Kitten and Bear are out.

0015: Go get supper. Check Facebook. Reply email. Eat some Kettle chips. Drink organic milk.

0035: Kitten wakes. Sigh. Play Who’s Got The Biggest Brain game on iPod Touch. Attain Cyborg status by choosing most skilled tests on pro level. Bored now.

0056: Oh no, Bear stirring. Phew! He went back to sleep. Kitten still nursing feverishly. Like a deep sea diver breathing.

0058: Try pulling away but she’s not letting go. Sigh.

0101: Try pulling away again but she still holding tight. Sigh. Gonna try to unlatch…

0104: Failed. Wondering if resident roaches eating my Kettle chips.

0109: Unlatched. Kitten flailed but went to sleep. Returning to chips.

0147: Bear stirs. I spot a roach on my bed! Run out and get a rolled up newspaper, swat the bastard off, he falls on the ground. I whack but he escapes under the bed. Damn! And Bear sits up rubbing his eyes. Ma, he calls. And I nurse again.

0225: He’s done.

0310: Bear wakes up with a “Ma uh Nan”, sniffle. I’ve finished placing 2 more traps under the bed to catch that confounded beast. Tomorrow I’m buying industrial strength traps. Managed to order a nice silicone case, the Agent18 Flowervest (very pretty!), for my iPod Touch and download a couple of apps. Yawn. Will sleep after this feed.

0328: Kitten is up. Does her hyperventilating sound and I hurry to nurse her. Sigh.

0348: Kitten finally done. Can I finally sleep?

0354: Brushed teeth, turned off light and net, ready for bed. Checked for roach. None. Bear wakes. “Mom Nan,” he says. I nurse him. Kitten wheezes. I cower in fear. she stops. Only sound is Bear drinking milk. Gonna try close my eyes now. Hope the roach gets stuck in one of my traps!

0403: Reclaimed boob. Gonna zzz now.

0607: Kitten wakes. Nurse. Sleep.

0715: Bear wakes. Nurse. Sleep.

1050: Alarm goes. I press snooze 3x before reaching for the chilled packet of crysanthemum white tea with Bear still attached. I drink it and feel more awake. Time to get up.

Between the 0715 feed and now, the kids woke again, maybe twice but too sleepy to register.

The kids get 12 hours sleep each which is so important for the development of their brain.

Note: This post was written on my iPod Touch. Yay!

It felt like I had much more time to myself before I had a second child. Bear was bathed, we had plenty of time to read books together and he had time to play games by himself while his Dad and I chatted or he gave me a quick back rub (for carrying his son around all day).

Having a baby and toddler definitely takes more time and energy, especially at night. We must leave wherever we are by 8.30pm or the very latest, 9pm. I bathe Kitten while Daddy bathes Bear, in that order. Then I dress both children, read a little to Bear (not as much as before I regret), Kitten gets tummy time, and lights out at 10.30pm.

Kitten gets nursed to bed first, while Daddy reads to Bear or lets him watch some animals on YouTube. Sometimes he comes in looking for me and I nurse him too. He crawls into a kneeling position while I nurse Kitten on my side or at a 45 degree angle facing Kitten. Or else, when Kitten falls asleep, which can take on average an hour, I call Bear and he nurses to sleep too.

That can take another hour. So if I am lucky, I get off duty (although on call) by 11.30pm. On average, it is midnight. Really unlucky, 12.30pm or 1am because Kitten has woken up and needs to be nursed again or worse, wakes Bear up too so repeat and rinse.

By which time I am famished and parched and need a snack, which I enjoy in front of the computer, in the same room as the kids so I can run to them if they call for me, which is relatively often or by 3-4am. Or in Bear’s case, maybe 2am. But usually after my supper.

I wish I and other stay-home moms would not be berated for claiming some me-time at the expense of sleep. We are human too, and need to unwind. And with 2, there is even less time left in the night to claim.

Since Kitten was born, Bear went from waking once or twice a night to seeral times a night. He even wakes more often than Kitten. It is 2.33am now and he’s been up 3x since he slept at 11pm.

Undoubtedly it is insecurity due to his sister’s arrival. He almost always needs me to comfort him and will fight for milk in the middle of he night. Although, at bedtime he’ll let her drink first.

Daytime I try to spend more time with him but still sometimes he will ask me, Mom do you love me? It is so heartbreaking to hear. I always reassure him but sometimes it is not enough.

He dotes on her though. Tells everyone that she is his baby. Is largely gentle with her. I let him hug and kiss her, hold my breath and trust him to do well by her and he never disappoints me.

I trust him alone with her when I go and get something. He knows to watch and take care of her. He tells me, this is our family. He knows we belong together. This is when I know doing everything together benefits their bond.

It is so important for us to nurture their relationship. Too often, others will shoo the older one away from the younger one or say don’t touch or disturb her, but really we need to exercise some trust in our children or they may never learn to be trustworthy.

I have chosen physical exhaustion instead of mental exhaustion. Probably it is best for the kids too. Staying home with the 2 children has been exhausting with Bear bouncing off the 4 walls and constantly asking me questions. Carrying Kitten in the Ergo and pushing Bear in Kitten’s Combi pram (in case I want to let her lie in it during her alert phase) has been infinitely more rewarding.

Every day we have a playdate either with friends and their children or with family. It has been immensely more enriching for us 3 and although I am physically exhausted by the end of the day, I don’t get cabin fever and feel more alive and surprisingly, awake when out.

Night time is another story. Bear has regressed to waking as much as 20 times a night, primarily in the morning where he MUST nurse. He will let his sister nurse first though if she wakes too and thankfully, the little one sips and dozes off quickly. She only wakes on average of 3 times and not always to nurse, and can fall asleep by herself sometimes, thankfully. I wonder how long sleep regression lasts. It has been exhausting, both emotionally and physically, for both Bear and I.

The other night I took the children to the nearby park and pointed to the sky, telling Bear about the planets, moons, and stars out there and how special we all are, to even exist, against such amazing odds. He was quite enthralled.

Today, DH has taken Bear out to the park and Kitten is entertaining herself on the bed, cooing in delight and talking to herself (“ah papah”) at something only she is entertained by, I am not sure what. So I grab this special me-time and finally write a post.

I am grateful she is a healthy, happy, calm, and good-natured girl. It has helped me manage both of them so much easier despite walking around in a daze of permanent delirium.

Well, I’ve given up the afternoon for all of us after several fruitless attempts. Both kids are too amused by the arrangement that no one gets any sleep. So Bear stays up till the occasional doze while we are in the car past 3pm and is relatively cranky during the day. Kitten just sleeps whenever she’s sleepy in the carrier. My back hurts!

Night time was another tricky thing. Initially Kitten was happy for Daddy to carry her to sleep while I nursed Bear to sleep. But now she recognises Daddy isn’t Mommy. So she screams when he carries her during lights out till he passes her to me.

So when it is lights out, all 4 of us get into bed. I nurse Kitten to sleep while Daddy cuddles Bear and tells him stories. Sometimes he falls asleep but usually when Kitten is done, he’ll ask for a little milk and then goes to sleep on his own. Sometimes he feels he needs more and tries to persuade me to nurse him before she falls asleep so I do for a short while, and he rolls back to Daddy (who is usually asleep by now) and I nurse Kitten again. Everyone’s happy although I get real sleepy. (Last night he even kneeled to nurse a bit while I nursed Kitten so technically I tandemed both at night even though I was turned towards her.)

Middle of the night wakings continue… Initially Bear was distressed when he woke up, needed to suckle but his sister was nursing. Lots of screaming and crying ensued but his calmer sister usually dozed off and gave him his turn. These days he wakes less and is happy to wait a bit. She almost sleeps through the night, which is a relief!

The first few months are tough but with help and support from the hubby, it is doable.