Strange Machines

First off, Nicole Kidman gave birth today to a 6 pound baby girl named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. She’ll be needing lots of cool baby gear now. Congrats to the happy parents and their lovely new addition.

I always find heavily pregnant women trawling the baby section of Isetan and feel like telling them when they pick up that armful of useless baby things, “You won’t use those! Save your money!” But I don’t unless they pick up a BPA bottle. Then I get upset.

Anyway. The important thing is to be prepared. Shop around first. Surf the net. Lots of stuff and information there. A good place to start is a wiki for baby stuff. Yup, there’s one. It is called ShopWiki and under their critter section, you’ll find tons of cool baby gear, all objectively crawled from online stores all over.

Don’t waste your money on the Baby Bjorn. Get the Ergo or any other one with waist support. Then buy a baby sling that is light and you and other male relatives would actually carry. There are nice ones that actually fold into themselves and wrap into an attached pouch. Forget the rest.

Of course if you travel with your child a lot, here are nice baby moving equipment to consider. Your pet can probably sit inside with it.

I never realised it but I was schooling Wolf about needs vs wants from the day he could say Toys R Us some one year ago.

Before we go into Toys R Us, I’d tell him whether it is a looking trip or a buying trip. He’d nod okay and proceed to thrill himself looking at all the cars. It is roughly one buying trip per 10 looking trips and usually he can choose something small for himself that costs under $10.

Initially he’d buy something cos he can but more recently he would choose something that he really likes. If he doesn’t like anything, he wouldn’t buy anything since I tell him he can carry a buying trip forward to the next trip.

Of course there are the sums too. He’s been more fascinated about bigger cars because the doors can open and close and sometimes he asks if he can buy those. I’d point to the price and say, that costs $49 and it is way more than $10.

My friend Sarah tells of a trip she, her boyfriend, dear hubby, and Wolf had at Toys R Us. Someone asked if Wolf wanted to buy anything and he proclaimed, “no need”. His Dad was so proud, he said, “that’s my boy!” I was so proud too!

On a separate note, I started reading Chinese books to him and he seems to be learning the Chinese characters faster than English words, although he can read most of the alphabets by now. His memory is amazing! He can cite some of the moons in the Solar System, some galaxies, and many nebulas! It is so thrilling to watch.

I admit I get a lot of flak for this. Wolf sleeps from 11pm to 11am. I sleep from 4am to 11am. I need my personal time. For a person used to independence and heaps of down time and personal time, motherhood had made creative timekeeping a necessity. But criticism has been all round so I have kept from blogging about it (to stem the flak) till I realised many parents probably do the same and hesitate to tell anyone about it.

Most families, with at least one parent working at least till 6, will have only 1.5 hours face time with their child. This raises the question of what sort of quality time will a child get if he sleeps at 8pm? Working people need to unwind just like the rest of us so how does baby get time with Dad and Mom who just got home?

Let’s do an imaginary schedule: Dad finishes work at 6pm. Comes home by 6.30. Mom gets dinner ready by 7.30 while Dad naps or plays with baby. Meal ends with dessert by 8.30. Dad plays with baby while Mom does dishes. Mom takes a shower and gets ready for baby to have his. Now it is 9.

Baby baths with Dad and gets handed to Mom. 9.15. Mom dries and dresses baby as he plays with his cars. Dad joins them on the bed for reading time. 9.30. 3 books are read and discarded. 10. Baby wants a bit more time with cars. Ok. Mom and Dad negotiate with him and he willingly stops playing by 10.15. Lights out at 10.20 after hugs and kisses.

Baby nurses and finally falls asleep by 11.

Now that is a day we spend at home.

If we go out or to Grandma’s for dinner, we don’t get home till 9.30 or 10. Push forward and baby doesn’t sleep till 11 or 11.30. Sometimes 12.

Then he wakes up for milk at least twice a night. Some nights more, and that makes me wonder about weaning. But as Dr Sears says, weaning is a journey from one relationship to another.

Weaning is not a negative term, nor is it something that you do to a child. Weaning is a journey from one relationship to another. The Hebrew word for wean is gamal, meaning “to ripen.” In ancient times, when children were breastfed until two or three years of age, it was a joyous occasion when a child weaned. It meant the child was filled with the basic tools of the earlier stages of development and secure and ready to enter the next stage of development. A child who is weaned before his time may show anger, aggression, habitual tantrum-like behavior, anxious attachment to caregivers, and an inability to form deep and intimate relationships. We call these traits diseases of premature weaning.

I am glad I decided to breastfeed Wolf till he is ready to wean. My gynae nursed her daughter till she self-weaned at 3 and supported my decision to breastfeed till he self-weans. It is sometimes tiring but I realise these nights spent nursing him arm him with a security, strength, and capacity for intimacy he will have all his life and it is worth it. What is 3 years in the face of 90 years for a child I love and adore? Nothing.

Well-meaning people have expressed tons of concern about the weaning and the strange hours we keep. But how strange are the hours? It is a necessity set in place by the working world. A child should not be forced to bed early just so “it is normal” and be denied time with his parents, especially those working. Nor will such children suffer for it because children are highly adaptable. While in Melbourne, Wolf woke at 9 with the sun on his face. I had to put him to bed at 9 just so he’d get his 12 hours every night – essential for brain development.

Back home, Wolf sleeps from 11pm to 11am (and more recently, 10pm to 11am with a 1-2 hour nap from 3-4 or 3-5 in between). Voluntarily too! I ask him if he is ready to sleep and he says yes, hugs Biscuit and lies down beside me for the joys of having both boobs to himself! He is alert and happy every day and wakes up refreshed with a cheery “wake up, Mama” in my face in the morning and tell me his dreams from the night before.

My mother often says, look at the hours you keep. How will Wolf wake up for school next time? Now, if I am a case in point then I reinforce the notion that children are adaptable. I slept from 8pm to 8am from the day I was born till I went to school and STILL I had trouble waking up at 545am. Mom had to literally drag my sorry ass out of bed every day.

The most important thing every parent needs to do is to ensure their child gets 12-14 hours of sleep every day. It is critical for their brain development (yes I have said this twice already but it is critical). Keep your curtains closed (get black-out curtains if you need to) to encourage your child to sleep longer. Nursing babies sleep longer especially with Mom next to them for love and comfort. Here are more sleep tips from Dr Sears. We used many in the early days and they are very helpful, especially understanding how babies sleep.

And the Moms? Before baby, I used to thrive on 9-10 hours sleep a night. Uninterrupted. (Okay, that was before WoW. WoW was training for motherhood. We played from 8pm to 2am every day but that’s another story.) Now my body has gotten used to 5-6 hours a night (a nap with Wolf in the afternoon helps). Of course, 8 hours is still ideal but some nights like tonight when I dozed off nursing Wolf at 10pm and then waking alert at 1am, and will probably sleep again by 4am, the 6 hours I will get keeps me refreshed.

With nursing, most interruptions are brief and if I am sleeping, mostly unfelt. Wolf knows his way around now and helps himself to milk at night! In fact, tonight after his second session, he made a leap, eyes closed, for the boob while I tried to edge away. I was so amused I let him nurse for another session till he unlatched himself and draped himself over my pillow and feet on Daddy’s face.

In a few days, my sweet son will be 2. Looking back, he’s achieved so much.

Today he mastered 3-puzzle jigsaws. At the last United Square toy fair, I bought him a wooden box full of lovely animal jigsaws. Only today did he bring it out to play and in a blink, he mastered them all.

His vocabulary is increasing exponentially. Today he learnt the phrase “hold the bar” (while coming down stairs). He can easily say complete sentences by himself, but even with new phrases, I don’t need to say 2-3 words at a time. He can copy half sentences after hearing them once.

It has been frequently commented that he is thin. Let’s just say it is genetic and from my side of the family. With double dominant thin genes from his maternal grandparents, it is a slam dunk. He grows proportionally. Today his Dryper XL seems to be getting tighter so I know he is growing. Just a few months ago he was wearing L!

He is 90th percentile for his age group in terms of height at 88-90cm. At 12kg he is 50th percentile for his weight.

He eats all day and I feed him healthy organic fruit and vegetables. He loves blueberries and can say hello to the nice Aunty Nancy at Why Yogurt over in Great World City there, tell her his favourite 3 berries, and remind me that the blue and pink cups that used to be displayed in the glass case are gone.

He loves playing with his cars, puzzles, reading his books, and most sweetly, is most fond of the stuffed cotton rabbit and cat I made him. He hugs them and tells everyone, “Mama made”.

At the toy store, he is happy to just browse and not buy, a habit formed from early days of “looking trips” and the very rare “buying trip”. He is happy with the toys he has at home. Even for his birthday, he just wants another of his favourite car. I was so proud.

He is loving and affectionate, showing kisses and hugs to his grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. He is very sociable, and readily waves hello and goodbye to people we meet, lending a smile to those he favours.

He greets me every morning with a grin, saying “Good Morning!” and then “Wake up, Mama!” What a fabulous way to wake up.

It has been a happy, sleepy, and wonderful 2 years with this joyful, sweet, delightful little boy. I am glad I stuck by the tenets of attachment parenting, pretty much the only parenting method supported by science and 30 years of peer-reviewed research.

The breastfeeding, co-sleeping (no cry-it-out), babywearing (no pram; sling or carrier only), and focus on positivity (no “you can’t do that”) and encouragement has been a breeze compared to others who complained about what a hassle it is to go out with so much to carry, disobedient kids. It is instant calm when Wolf is nursing and his close bond to me has allowed him the security to be one of the most independent kids I know.

Attachment parenting builds a strong bond between mother and child, and equips a child with confidence, love, security, and a helluva lot of smarts.

First of all, no TV. All the studies agree it is harmful. It is common sense that a child spending one hour playing with his toys or running around in the park is learning more than a child passively watching TV, yes, even the “educational” programs. We, as humans, learn best by example, in the real world.

We choose our battles. By allowing him to win the small battles, such as choosing the clothes he’d like to wear, and what toys to play, he allows us to win the big ones, such as when it is time to go (we rarely have a problem with that, after giving him 5 minutes grace then he waves bye bye) and when it is bedtime.

Today he can readily say he is ready to sleep. With the former, he has grown confident of his choices and truly, he has great taste in clothes.

His artwork is all over our home, the prized ones hung in the bedroom. He loves drawing and we regard each piece as a work of art. Just in 3 months, his work has evolved so much. And he is very proud of it.

We negotiate now. I believe it is an important skill he needs in life. He wants to go out to the park. I say okay, after your meal. He thinks about it then looks at me and says ok. And we eat, then we go out. I keep all my promises to him and so does his dad.

Integrity is something so important and yet so overlooked. I was truly blessed to have a father who keeps his word to me every single time since the day I was born. If he says he will bring the newspaper, yes even something as trivial as that, he will. And he has never forgotten. That is how I learnt integrity.

And so I plan to teach it to Wolf. For him to become the man I want him to be, I must become the person I want him to be.

I. CARE FOR BABY

1. Relish every moment with your child.

Remember they are only small once. Remind yourself that your baby is a living sentient being who depends fully on you. It is easy to depersonalise someone when you are exhausted. Meet baby in the eye and smile. Tell him and show him how much you love him with hugs, kisses, and gentle words and actions.

2. Nursing is best for you and baby.

Breastmilk has critical antibodies for baby, especially in the colostrum (a thick yellow paste) that oozes in the first 4 days. Breastfed babies are stronger, smarter, and healthier. The longer the nursing, the better. Continue your nursing relationship for as long as both of you are comfortable. If you have trouble breastfeeding, consult a lactation expert in the maternity ward for help immediately.

3. Eventually baby will sleep through the night, or you’ll get used to it.

Plus, you’ll most likely lose your pregnant weight along with the schedule. Research has found that sleep training doesn’t work. Babies learn to fall and stay asleep on their own whether or not they are sleep trained. Meanwhile take it one day at a time.

4. Pick baby up when he cries.

He’ll feel that he is worthy of love. Ignore all comments about spoiling the child. If you let him cry it out, it will hurt your relationship with him as he won’t trust you to care for him when he needs you. Babies cry because that’s the only way they know how to communicate. They cry to let us know they need our help. Studies have shown that letting baby cry it out will lead to him having anxiety problems and low self-esteem when he grows up.

5. Carry your baby in a baby sling or carrier.

It’s been repeatedly shown that babywearing parents and their children are closer. Babies who are carried frequently by their parents are more self-assured, possess a strong sense of worth, and are eager to explore.

6. Learn to care for baby on your own.

It is tempting in this day and age to pass him over to a carer. Being the primary caregiver to your child strengthens the bond between the two of you and boosts your confidence as a mother.

7. Encourage Dad to spend time with baby.

Children with involved fathers are more secure and have a healthier view of relationships as a whole.

8. Let baby play and play with baby.

It is wonderful to see things from baby’s point of view and to see him excited and thrilled over daily objects. It is his way of learning. Be there to share it. Give him a wide berth to explore safely. Be part of his play day. Animate his toys and talk to him, sing to him, dance with him. If you have pets, introduce baby to them and spend quality time together. Teach him how to be gentle and you’ve taught him compassion. These are fond memories he will carry with him for life.

II. CARE FOR MOM

1. Get help.

Arrange for help, no matter how capable you think you are. I liked to believe I was superwoman until I became a mother. Any help is great, even for an hour. Rest makes one a better mother. And you do need to bathe.

2. Stay hydrated.

Keep 1L and 500L bottles of water within arm’s reach. Particularly when you are nursing, you will get thirsty very fast. Plus keeping yourself hydrated wards off the headaches that will inevitably come with childrearing.

3. Keep reading material, TV remote, mobile phone turned to silent, and other objects of interest at arm’s reach.

When baby falls asleep in your lap, you’ll have something to do. Sometimes you’ll be too tired to even try putting him down (he might well wake up), reading, watching TV on silent, or surfing on your mobile phone will help pass time. Do take a moment in between to stroke your baby’s head or back.

4. Eat well.

My weight plunged on a low caloric diet (by habit), demand breastfeeding, and multiple nightwakings over the past 5 months. Now I eat anything, just to get enough energy to produce milk and not feel exhausted all day.

5. Don’t feel pressured to nap when baby is asleep.

It never works! What does help is if you are tired but wired, lie down on your side to nurse baby. You might end up dozing too.

6. Stretch daily and stretch gently.

Your muscles and ligaments will be sore, sprained, and tired. Keep medicated plasters stocked.

7. Buy the best camera phone you can afford.

I found that my phone became my best friend since I had Wolf. While nursing or if he was asleep, I could send a text message to a loved one to get me something, I could read my Gmail, surf the web on Opera Mini, play mobile games, and most importantly, capture the unexpected delightful moments with Wolf on a video or photo when my camera is too far away.

8. Educate yourself.

Confidence is key to being a good mother. And being informed is key to being confident. Read up (while breastfeeding or when baby is sleeping) on the studies that have been conducted and find out what actually works and what is actually harmful.

Enjoy your baby. They grow up too fast!

Online Resources:

Ask Moxie
KellyMom
Mother’s Nature
The Natural Child Project

Books:

Babyhood by Penelope Leach
Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less by Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Diane Eyer
The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Harvey Karp
Hello, My Name Is Mommy: The Dysfunctional Girl’s Guide to Having, Loving (and Hopefully Not Screwing Up) a Baby by Sheri Lynch
The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley
Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different-And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph
The Wonder Weeks: How to Turn Your Baby’s 8 Great Fussy Phases into Magical Leaps Forward by Hetty Vanderijt and Frans Plooij

Moxie’s post on unintentional words reminded me of a promise I made myself that I would never be negative towards Wolf, in particular, using negative words such as calling him a “bad boy” or “naughty boy”. And I have not.

What I had not realised was that calling myself “silly Mommy” on occasion, for forgetting something, can be detrimental too. After all, I am his first love and his world. If I am silly and so flawed, then how can he trust me?

The emphasis should be on the positive. The constant encouragement in his achievements and positive cheerleading has made him a happy and confident boy. His trust in me though, can be improved. He still doesn’t trust me to return from the bathroom or kitchen 90% of the time. Could it be because of my negative labelling of myself?

Regardless, it is now time to work positively on Mommy’s image. What an inspired and wise Mommy!

Every day in the newspapers there are seminars and advice columns on parenting. I cringe whenever some so-called expert claims that this and that is good or bad and wonder how much of it is anecdotal and how much is actually based on fact.

Considering how much bad advice there is out there, it pays to instead:

1. Become an expert on parenting

Read extensively and regularly on studies conducted on children. See what has worked well in the past and what has repeatedly been shown to work (also called peer review).

Learn to understand how researchers conduct their studies and gather their data. The more researchers agree on a standard, the more likely it is that it can be considered fact.

Note that this is different from the idea that since everyone believes it works, it is a fact. Peer review is based on the scientific method.

2. Be an expert on your child

Develop a strong bond with your child. Interact with him often. Understand what makes him tick and what his responses mean. Earn his trust by consistently being there and giving him your full attention. Soon you will now that ‘ehh’ is his name for you and ‘em’ means he is unhappy.

You will also know if certain methods like the no-cry sleep solution can work for him (in Wolf’s case it doesn’t), or if co-sleeping makes him sleep better (it sure does for Wolf – he wakes up 4x in 2 hours if I am not beside him and twice in 9 hours when I am beside him), for instance.

3. Trust your instincts

All instincts need to be honed with information. On a daily basis we are picking up unconscious cues from the world around us. That is why parents instinctively treat their children the way their parents treated them.

Thus it is essential to be informed of safe parenting methods vs harmful ones like cry it out and spanking which do long-term damage to your child.

Finally, based on the research you have gathered and the knowledge you have of your child, trust your own parenting instincts on how best to tend to your little one.

Breastfeeding was one of the things I knew I wanted to do as a mother. Not only is it good for Wolf – he was only ever sick twice and very mildly so – it is also good for me. I lost all my pregnancy weight in the first month and have since lost even more. It helps us both sleep well at night and it has been wonderful in building a strong bond between us as mother and son.

Now as Wolf enters his 10th month, we look like we’re going full speed ahead. When he was born, he was placed gently on me and instinctively his mouth sought my breast and he began to suckle. However, like most Asian babies, he had jaundice and had to be kept in the nursery under a UV light for 5 days.

This is when I am grateful for that Robinsons shopping trip I made with my Mom a month ago. Clunky at 9 months, we made what would be my last shopping trip out. I was determined to breastfeed even after returning to work and decided it would be most time efficient to buy a dual breast pump (I got the Medela).

For the five critical days when baby was in hospital without me, I pumped feverishly as engorgement set in 24 hours a day. We made 3-4 deliveries of freshly pumped breast milk to the hospital daily for Wolf and I cherished the times when I could nurse him in the nursing room. If I missed his scheduled feeding, I just left the bottle(s) there and looked at him sleeping in his incubator.

When he came home, I had some trouble breastfeeding from sheer exhaustion. So I alternated between nursing and pumping. It helped so much when hubby and I got dengue and was ill beyond belief. Wolf never got the bug and my Mom helped feed him at night with my pumped milk while I lay in bed with high fever.

Soon the storm passed and we went home, all well again. I stopped pumping eventually as we steadily eased into a comfortable nursing relationship, but had I not had my breast pumps with me, it might be a different story now.

We had Wolf with us for the first 2 days so he had the start of the colostrum (thick yellow fluid which has essential antibodies in them) but the next 5 days had I not pumped, firstly my breasts would have exploded (joking!) and we might have had a bumpier time trying to establish my milk supply again.

On help with breastfeeding, visit the La Leche League. For some mothers it may be tough and difficult to breastfeed initially, but don’t give up. The first month is the hardest. Once you get past that tough stage, I promise it will be worth the ride. For both of you.

If you’re feeling down or sad for apparently no reason, look around and see if the negativity is coming from somewhere nearby. Is it a well-meaning relative commenting on the neatness of your home, or your neighbour wondering about your ability to parent? All these gentle put-downs can be detrimental to your confidence as a mother and set you on the road to depression.

When this happens, identify the toxic comments and acknowledge them for what they are: someone’s opinion. You cannot change the words people choose to spew from their mouths but you can choose not to be physically close enough to hear them, or if it is not possible, choose to mark that person’s word as invalid (mind exercise: imagine everytime that person talks, place a mental stamp across his or her forehead).

You are your child’s best mother and you should not allow anyone to spoil that relationship. It is easy to believe someone else when you’re unsure, tired, and simply exhausted from parenting, whether or not you are working. If you allow that person to destroy your confidence as a mother, only you and your child will suffer for it. Not the commentor.

So give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being a great Mom. Trust your Mommy instincts. Yes, your Mommy radar is tuned. You know what your baby needs and you are confident to provide him with what he needs: love, food, warmth, comfort, and play. Your baby agrees too. Just look at his face light up when he sees you.

Mom’s Beef Stew: an original recipe.

Makes one week’s supply of beef stew for babies and cats. So far the hubby says it is tasty, Wolf (the baby) likes only 3 bites, and the cats love it.

Ingredients:
300g premium minced beef
1 handful frozen sweet corn, peas, carrots
1/2 handful pasta (twirly ones in durum wheat)
1 small tomato (cut in 4)
10 leaves of baby spinach

Non-edibles:
Non-stick pot with cover
5 baby glass bottles, sterilised and dried
Bowl for distribution to cats

Cook it:
1. Throw all ingredients into pot.
2. Add water to just cover the ingredients.
3. Turn on fire. Ensure is boiling then turn to low.
4. Leave for 1 hour but return every 15 minutes to make sure it is not burnt. If running low on water, add a small bit more.
5. When cooked, let cool for a while before bottling. Put in freezer.
6. Place remainder in bowl and distribute to cats.

How to use:
When you wish to feed baby, put 1 bottle to thaw in refrigerator 4 hours before. If you forget, microwave on high for 1 minute then use spoon to stir. If still cold, repeat. If baby dislikes food, feed cats. If cats dislike it, you don’t have to make lunch for yourself.