Strange Machines

There’s so much misinformation out there about parenting from harmful advice such as cry-it-out (CIO), not “spoiling” your baby, or sleep training your baby (see more studies on sleep) to simply annoying groundless superstitions and anecdotes. So it was with a breath of fresh air that KellyMom, a great evidence-based parenting resource, was found. It is a true gem in the wastelands of the web.

As with every other science, we can never be absolutely sure. But with peer-review studies turning up the same conclusions, we can surmise that it is reasonably accurate. I have checked the findings against other books by parenting writers like Sears, Biddulph, and others, as well as research published in science and health journals and news releases, and each affirmation buoys my decision to practice attachment parenting (AP).

Here are the things I practice as a parent:

1. I breastfeed my baby on demand.
2. I wear my baby with a sling or baby carrier.
3. Baby sleeps with us in our bed.
4. When my baby cries, I pick him up.
5. I always show my baby love and respect.
6. When he looks at me or seeks me, I give him attention so he gains a sense of self-worth.
7. I don’t sleep train or potty train my baby.
8. My baby is with me wherever I go, meeting new people and new scenarios.
9. I continue learning about parenting.
10. I smile to my baby first thing in the morning.
11. I say no and redirect or distract.
12. I never punish my baby for being a baby.
13. I ensure his trust in me is never breached.
14. I always remind my baby how much I love him.

Resources:

8 Infant Sleep Facts Every Parent Should Know by Dr William Sears
What is Attachment Parenting by Diana West, IBCLC
The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say by Alvin Powell
Early Brain Development: What parents and caregivers need to know by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
The Emotional Infant Brain by Lynn M. Johnson
Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking by Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
Responsive Parenting by Kelley Shirazi
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies by Dr William Sears
Stress in Infancy by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.

A Baby’s Cries by Jeri

“Crying is as good for the lungs as bleeding is for the veins.” ~ Dr. William Sears, The Fussy Baby, page 63

A Baby Cries: How Should Parents Respond? by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.

In all innocence, a baby assumes that we, as his parents, are correct - that whatever we do is what we ought to be doing. If we do nothing, the baby can only conclude that he is unloved because he is unlovable. It is not within his capabilities to conclude that we are only busy, distracted, worried, misled by “experts”, or simply inexperienced as parents. No matter how deeply we love our baby, it is mostly the outward manifestations of that love that the baby can understand.

In our culture, we assume that crying is normal and unavoidable for babies. Yet in natural societies where babies are carried close to the care-giver much of the day and night for the first several months, such crying is rare. In contrast to what many in our society would expect, babies cared for in this way show self-sufficiency sooner than do babies not receiving such care.

In fact, research on early childhood experiences consistently shows that children who have enjoyed the most loving care in infancy become the most secure and loving adults, while those babies who have been forced into submissive behavior build up feelings of resentment and anger that may well be expressed later in harmful ways.

In spite of this research, most arguments for ignoring crying are based on fears of “spoiling” the baby. A typical baby-care brochure advises the parent to “let the baby handle it for a while”. Though infancy can be a challenging time for the parents, a baby is simply too young and inexperienced to “handle” the cause of the crying, whatever it may be. He cannot feed himself, change himself, or comfort himself in the way that nature intended. Clearly, it is the parents’ responsibility to meet their baby’s needs for nurturing, security, and love, not the baby’s responsibility to meet his parents’ need for peace and solitude.

The pamphlet implies that if the parents give their baby an opportunity to become self-reliant, they are helping him to mature. But an infant is simply not capable of such maturity. True maturity reflects a strong foundation of emotional security that can only come about from the love and support of those closest to him during the earliest years.

An immature person can only respond to stress in an immature way. A baby denied his birthright of comforting from his parents may respond by turning to ineffective self-stimulation (head-banging, rhythmic rocking, thumb-sucking, etc.) and emotional withdrawal from others. If his needs are routinely ignored, he may decide that loneliness and despair are preferable to risking further disappointment and rejection. Unfortunately, this decision, once made, can become a permanent outlook on life, leading to an emotionally impoverished life.

Many child-care professionals feel that parental encouragement of self-satisfiers and over-substitution of material objects - teddy bears substituting for parents, strollers for arms, cribs for shared sleep, pacifiers for nursing, toys for parents’ attention, music boxes for voices, formula for breast-milk, wind-up swings for laps - have led to an age of materialistic acquisition, personal loneliness and lack of emotional fulfillment.

Stressful though it may be, infant crying should be seen not as a power struggle between parent and child, but as a gift of nature to ensure that all babies can grow to adulthood with a generous capacity for love and trust.

Fear of Spoiling

Where does fear of spoiling come from?

Since December 1, Jack’s been getting difficult at bedtime and sleeping even less. His first sleep lasts anything from 1-3 hours (3 if I’m lucky), then it is another 1-3 hours, and after that 1-2 hours.

So last night out of sheer exhaustion, we tried the CIO method (cry it out). Absolute wusses, we didn’t last 10 minutes. Poor Jack cried, then screamed till his lungs were hoarse. I leapt out of bed and held him close swearing never to do it again.

But tonight, after 3 hours of “winding down”, he still refused to go to bed despite rubbing his eyes many times. The moment we put him down, he began crying (maybe remembering what happened last night). Finally for the third time, I picked him up and nursed him, tried putting a semi-awake baby down, and he cried again.

I tried the Karp method (5Cs), carrying him on his side, tummy to tummy with me (actually it is my Mom’s method), and loudly shushing (this one is Karp’s). He began his soft whining which indicates he is very sleepy and he slowly fell asleep. Three times more I tried putting him down and three times he cried again. Eventually, he slept.

So here I am, rather exhausted but mentally awake (actually I wanted to check if the WoW maintenance was over), updating my blog with something very important: the dangers of CIO. Instinctively, it feels wrong to ignore my child’s crying. In this case, a mother’s instinct has been proved correct by science.

Science shows up Supernanny

A mental health expert warns that fashionable advice to ignore your child’s tears may cause lifelong harm

When it comes to the crowded and hotly debated world of how best to bring up baby, there is a new theory that uses brain scans to argue that controlled crying not only damages babies’ brains but produces angry, anxious adults.

‘If you ignore a crying child, tell them to shut up or put them in a room on their own, you can cause serious damage to their brains on a level that can result in severe neurosis and emotional disorders later in life,’ said Professor Margot Sunderland, a leading expert in the development of children’s brains and a British Medical Association award-winning author, who has already written more than 20 books on child mental health.

Based on her four-year study of brain scans and scientific research, Sunderland entreats parents to reject the modern theories of baby experts such as Gina Ford and Channel 4’s Supernanny, Jo Frost, who preach strict discipline, routine and controlled crying.

Sunderland’s book, The Definitive Child Rearing Book, to be published next month, provides step-by-step guidance on how to react to every swing in a child’s mood, even down to the best way to hug an upset baby.

‘The blunt truth is that uncomforted distress may cause damage to the child’s developing brain,’ said Sunderland, the director of Education and Training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London.

She believes that parents often do not give adequate recognition to their children’s distress. While the importance of touching, cuddling and physically soothing their babies is paramount, she also advises parents of the dangers of attempting to minimise their children’s anger and emotional distress.

‘Parents should never try to persuade their child out of feeling a certain emotion,’ she said. ‘Even if your child is reading a situation in a completely different way to you, it is important to prove to them you are empathising through the time you give them and the language and facial expressions you use.

‘If your child is upset, you will reduce rather than increase their feelings of stress by not taking their upset as seriously as you would wish someone to take your own,’ she added. ‘Attempting to jolly them out of their mood will result in them internalising their stresses, which will take the same toll on their bodies and brain as unsoothed crying.’

Sunderland also believes parents often unwittingly discipline children through shame and fear. ‘It can get quick results and parents often do not realise they are doing it,’ she said. ‘But the price on a child’s developing brain can be very high and leave a legacy of anxiety and social phobia for life. It is all too easy to break a child.’

Instead, Sunderland encourages parents to be very emotional when their child is well behaved and very matter of fact when they behave badly. ‘When telling a child off, parents should use low-key voices, a monotone that states calmly but firmly what the child has done wrong and what the punishment will be.’

Sunderland believes that parents who use fighting words and phrases that demand absolute and immediate obedience will create a defiant child while thinking words, that activate their brains by giving them a choice, will defuse intense states of emotional arousal.

Often, however, Sunderland advises that words are not necessary and that calmly holding the child who is refusing to listen is enough. ‘Sometimes the child’s brain is too hyper-aroused to respond to language and a warm and loving touch is the only thing that can calm them down without conflict.’

Sunderland offers the following advice to parents:

· Do not try to persuade the child out of their emotions, however extreme or unreasonable you might feel those emotions to be.

· Do not minimise their emotions: show through touch, tone and facial expression that you understand the intensity and quality of what they are going through.

·Be their emotional rock: be kind and calm.

·Hold them - touch is vital to calm and soothe a child.

I shall do that… and I’ll look out for the book.

(Reference: Q&A: 11-week-old and self-soothing)

1. Give baby something to hold

Either a hand towel or blankie will do. Keeps baby feeling secure. Especially useful for babies who don’t like being swaddled (ahem).

2. Hand towels are perfect for nursing

Keep them around baby’s neck like a bib and under your boob (so your nursing bra doesn’t get milk on it). You can use it to wipe milk from baby’s mouth as well.

3. Stay away from folks of the previous generation

They will almost invariably make some comment about your parenting style that will annoy you, from the way you carry baby to how you feed him or her.

4. Remind yourself baby is not crying to upset you

Baby is crying because he needs you to help him. He can’t communicate by any other way but crying so learn to read his cues.

5. Learn to read baby’s cues

He is usually one of 5 things: hungry (mouth roots for breast), sleepy (yawns, rubs eyes), needs a burp, needs a diaper change, too hot (feel forehead) or too cold. Go down the list. One of them should be the culprit.

6. Nurse baby often

It helps you two bond, especially when you look lovingly into his eyes when you do so (no matter how tired you are), and it helps your uterus shrink (read: tummy flat). Plus, nursing calms baby down (unless he needs a burp).

(Author’s note: This post was written when Jack was a month old and I had just gotten back home. I thought it was significant to include it because these were tips helpful for me then. I’ve added a few more relevant to that time period.)