Strange Machines

Moxie’s post on unintentional words reminded me of a promise I made myself that I would never be negative towards Jack, in particular, using negative words such as calling him a “bad boy” or “naughty boy”. And I have not.

What I had not realised was that calling myself “silly Mommy” on occasion, for forgetting something, can be detrimental too. After all, I am his first love and his world. If I am silly and so flawed, then how can he trust me?

The emphasis should be on the positive. The constant encouragement in his achievements and positive cheerleading has made him a happy and confident boy. His trust in me though, can be improved. He still doesn’t trust me to return from the bathroom or kitchen 90% of the time. Could it be because of my negative labelling of myself?

Regardless, it is now time to work positively on Mommy’s image. What an inspired and wise Mommy!

Every day in the newspapers there are seminars and advice columns on parenting. I cringe whenever some so-called expert claims that this and that is good or bad and wonder how much of it is anecdotal and how much is actually based on fact.

Considering how much bad advice there is out there, it pays to instead:

1. Become an expert on parenting

Read extensively and regularly on studies conducted on children. See what has worked well in the past and what has repeatedly been shown to work (also called peer review).

Learn to understand how researchers conduct their studies and gather their data. The more researchers agree on a standard, the more likely it is that it can be considered fact.

Note that this is different from the idea that since everyone believes it works, it is a fact. Peer review is based on the scientific method.

2. Be an expert on your child

Develop a strong bond with your child. Interact with him often. Understand what makes him tick and what his responses mean. Earn his trust by consistently being there and giving him your full attention. Soon you will now that ‘ehh’ is his name for you and ‘em’ means he is unhappy.

You will also know if certain methods like the no-cry sleep solution can work for him (in Jack’s case it doesn’t), or if co-sleeping makes him sleep better (it sure does for Jack - he wakes up 4x in 2 hours if I am not beside him and twice in 9 hours when I am beside him), for instance.

3. Trust your instincts

All instincts need to be honed with information. On a daily basis we are picking up unconscious cues from the world around us. That is why parents instinctively treat their children the way their parents treated them.

Thus it is essential to be informed of safe parenting methods vs harmful ones like cry it out and spanking which do long-term damage to your child.

Finally, based on the research you have gathered and the knowledge you have of your child, trust your own parenting instincts on how best to tend to your little one.

Breastfeeding was one of the things I knew I wanted to do as a mother. Not only is it good for Jack - he was only ever sick twice and very mildly so - it is also good for me. I lost all my pregnancy weight in the first month and have since lost even more. It helps us both sleep well at night and it has been wonderful in building a strong bond between us as mother and son.

Now as Jack enters his 10th month, we look like we’re going full speed ahead. When he was born, he was placed gently on me and instinctively his mouth sought my breast and he began to suckle. However, like most Asian babies, he had jaundice and had to be kept in the nursery under a UV light for 5 days.

This is when I am grateful for that Robinsons shopping trip I made with my Mom a month ago. Clunky at 9 months, we made what would be my last shopping trip out. I was determined to breastfeed even after returning to work and decided it would be most time efficient to buy a dual breast pump (I got the Medela).

For the five critical days when baby was in hospital without me, I pumped feverishly as engorgement set in 24 hours a day. We made 3-4 deliveries of freshly pumped breast milk to the hospital daily for Jack and I cherished the times when I could nurse him in the nursing room. If I missed his scheduled feeding, I just left the bottle(s) there and looked at him sleeping in his incubator.

When he came home, I had some trouble breastfeeding from sheer exhaustion. So I alternated between nursing and pumping. It helped so much when hubby and I got dengue and was ill beyond belief. Jack never got the bug and my Mom helped feed him at night with my pumped milk while I lay in bed with high fever.

Soon the storm passed and we went home, all well again. I stopped pumping eventually as we steadily eased into a comfortable nursing relationship, but had I not had my breast pumps with me, it might be a different story now.

We had Jack with us for the first 2 days so he had the start of the colostrum (thick yellow fluid which has essential antibodies in them) but the next 5 days had I not pumped, firstly my breasts would have exploded (joking!) and we might have had a bumpier time trying to establish my milk supply again.

On help with breastfeeding, visit the La Leche League. For some mothers it may be tough and difficult to breastfeed initially, but don’t give up. The first month is the hardest. Once you get past that tough stage, I promise it will be worth the ride. For both of you.

If you’re feeling down or sad for apparently no reason, look around and see if the negativity is coming from somewhere nearby. Is it a well-meaning relative commenting on the neatness of your home, or your neighbour wondering about your ability to parent? All these gentle put-downs can be detrimental to your confidence as a mother and set you on the road to depression.

When this happens, identify the toxic comments and acknowledge them for what they are: someone’s opinion. You cannot change the words people choose to spew from their mouths but you can choose not to be physically close enough to hear them, or if it is not possible, choose to mark that person’s word as invalid (mind exercise: imagine everytime that person talks, place a mental stamp across his or her forehead).

You are your child’s best mother and you should not allow anyone to spoil that relationship. It is easy to believe someone else when you’re unsure, tired, and simply exhausted from parenting, whether or not you are working. If you allow that person to destroy your confidence as a mother, only you and your child will suffer for it. Not the commentor.

So give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being a great Mom. Trust your Mommy instincts. Yes, your Mommy radar is tuned. You know what your baby needs and you are confident to provide him with what he needs: love, food, warmth, comfort, and play. Your baby agrees too. Just look at his face light up when he sees you.

Mom’s Beef Stew: an original recipe.

Makes one week’s supply of beef stew for babies and cats. So far the hubby says it is tasty, Jack (the baby) likes only 3 bites, and the cats love it.

Ingredients:
300g premium minced beef
1 handful frozen sweet corn, peas, carrots
1/2 handful pasta (twirly ones in durum wheat)
1 small tomato (cut in 4)
10 leaves of baby spinach

Non-edibles:
Non-stick pot with cover
5 baby glass bottles, sterilised and dried
Bowl for distribution to cats

Cook it:
1. Throw all ingredients into pot.
2. Add water to just cover the ingredients.
3. Turn on fire. Ensure is boiling then turn to low.
4. Leave for 1 hour but return every 15 minutes to make sure it is not burnt. If running low on water, add a small bit more.
5. When cooked, let cool for a while before bottling. Put in freezer.
6. Place remainder in bowl and distribute to cats.

How to use:
When you wish to feed baby, put 1 bottle to thaw in refrigerator 4 hours before. If you forget, microwave on high for 1 minute then use spoon to stir. If still cold, repeat. If baby dislikes food, feed cats. If cats dislike it, you don’t have to make lunch for yourself.

1. Give baby commentary on what’s outside. “Look at the tree, the car, the cat.”

2. Clap to baby. Smile a lot.

3. Sing a song to baby.

4. Play Peekaboo with a towel.

5. Read a book to baby.

6. Get a book with noises (like the Spot books) for baby to entertain self.

7. Animate baby’s plush toys for him to watch. Have them kiss and hug him frequently.

8. Count his fingers and toes.

9. Let him play with your mobile phone (you know he wants to). Show him pictures and videos of himself in it.

10. Feed baby wholemeal bread torn into tiny soft bits.

1. Buy a cloth sling and practice carrying baby in it all day. It is ideal at this age because he loves to be close to Mom and sleep most of the time and it is easy to nurse in it. You can easily surf, use the loo, and go about your day. It is natural for babies to want to be carried at the time plus he gains a strong sense of self-worth being unconditionally loved by Mom all the time.

2. When he is awake and in the sling, sit him a little more upright and point out things to him as you go about your day. When you’re brushing your teeth, make funny faces to him in the mirror, when you’re pouring milk, explain how Mom drinks milk too. He’ll love being part of your day.

3. Spend some of the day with him in his crib or on your bed or on the floor. Talk to him, sing to him, animate some stuffed toys and do a little play for him, read to him. He just wants to see your face and loving glances at this point.

4. If you want to put him down for a nap, try nursing him on the side (with a small towel under you to sop up the spillage) and then once he is asleep, you can steal away. Just make sure he is safe wherever he is.

5. Remember to feed and hydrate yourself too. Make breakfast, lunch, and dinner with lots of snacks in between. Keep healthy snack food (bananas, apples, carrots, e.g.) and a bottle of water near you as you might be too exhausted to move some days.

6. Keep reading material and your phone (important for impromptu brilliant Kodak moments and surfing or checking Gmail) near you in case you suddenly need to nurse and can’t get up to get stuff.

7. If there’s someone else in the house to help you, ensure they have a mobile phone too so you can keep your phone on silent and send text messages when you need help and baby is asleep.

8. Create a routine for yourself and follow it everyday. It will help you manage your day better for now.

9. Rest as much as you can. It’s impossible to nap with baby every time but just lying down helps. Get some me-time as well. Let Daddy play with baby for as much time as he can spare for important Dad-bonding (children who have involved fathers are more self-confident and possess better self-worth as adults).

10. Believe in yourself. The most critical thing for this period is to build your confidence as a mother and bond with your child. Everything else should take a backseat. Enjoy every moment with baby for you’ll never get back this precious time when they are so tiny.

Jack slept poorly again last night. He woke up every 20 minutes and at one point, took an hour to settle down to sleep again. He kept howling on his hands and kneews, and couldn’t go back to sleep. It sounds like it might be teething. He seems to find his upper lip itchy. I was so exhausted by 4am but finally managed to sleep.

It has been alleged that most 9 month olds sleep through the night, but there are so many more factors to consider when compiling that data. What are they eating? Are the babies still breastfed? Do they co-sleep with their parents? Are they cared for by their mother or another caregiver during the day? All these factors can cause a child to wake repeatedly at night.

Is it a bad? I’ve never felt more comforted by having Jack sleep beside me - it’s easy to nurse him and we both sleep better. But when he was in his crib, I’d walk over and check if he was still breathing several times a night - my mother did that too when I was a kid. With him next to me, I can just put my hand gently on him and know he is okay.

For me, I’ve given up on when he is going to sleep through the night. I take it a day at a time and take my mother’s advice: just enjoy your baby.

Sleeping Through The Night:

Sleeping Through The Night by Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC
Sleeping through the Night by Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D.
Slumber’s Unexplored Landscape by Bruce Bower

Co-sleeping:

Bedtime Story: Co-sleeping Research by James J. McKenna, Ph.D.
Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night by Jan Hunt, B.A. Psychology (Magna cum Laude), M.Sc. Counseling Psychology
Need vs. Habit by Tine Thevenin
Statement on sleeping locations and sudden death in infants by Abraham B. Bergman, MD, Director of Pediatrics, Harborview Medical Center and Professor of Pediatrics, University of Washington, Richard Harruff, MD, PhD, Medical Examiner of King County, Clinical Associate Professor of Pathology, University of Washington, MaryAnn O’Hara, MD, Robert Wood Johnson, Clinical Scholar, University of Washington

There are a lot of concerns about co-sleeping. And they are valid ones. Baby suffocating under blankets or under a parent are terrible things and they have happened before.

For a breastfeeding mother, I was adamant Jack slept in his crib. But that meant nursing him sitting up for an hour at bedtime while he lay on the MyBrestFriend cushion while I either zoned out, napped with my mouth open, read a magazine or book, played games or surfed on my mobile phone (usually the first two). And then lifting him up gently (wake alert!), removing the cushion, getting up (wake alert!) and going to the crib (wake alert!), and breaking my back to put him down (wake alert!) very gently, removing my arm which would be under his neck (wake alert!), and then removing my other hand which would be on his chest.

That process I mastered and perfected over the first 4 months and gleefully congratulated myself when Jack slept through the night from 4, 5, 6, 7 hours and once even 9 hours! Alas, his 4th month sleep regression unwound everything and I was back to square one.

Sure, we tried some co-sleeping when he was born. Him in a tiny sleeper beside me. But now, he was a big boy and the doctor said okay. Since, it’s been reassuring and I love waking up next to him and seeing his sweet sleeping face beside me when I turn in.

I’ve been having insomnia lately and to avoid waking him, go outside the bedroom to read or surf. He wakes up almost every 20 minutes to 2 hours and it’s been fairly disrupting to my attempts to achieve flow.

Last night I crashed to bed early and we both slept almost through the night, waking only once when his Dad woke up for work. I think co-sleeping babies do know when their mothers leave the bed and if they’re sleeping alone. We both slept well till he woke up and started climbing all over me.

If you do wish to co-sleep, please read up very carefully on co-sleeping and safety.

There’s so much misinformation out there about parenting from harmful advice such as cry-it-out (CIO), not “spoiling” your baby, or sleep training your baby (see more studies on sleep) to simply annoying groundless superstitions and anecdotes. So it was with a breath of fresh air that KellyMom, a great evidence-based parenting resource, was found. It is a true gem in the wastelands of the web.

As with every other science, we can never be absolutely sure. But with peer-review studies turning up the same conclusions, we can surmise that it is reasonably accurate. I have checked the findings against other books by parenting writers like Sears, Biddulph, and others, as well as research published in science and health journals and news releases, and each affirmation buoys my decision to practice attachment parenting (AP).

Here are the things I practice as a parent:

1. I breastfeed my baby on demand.
2. I wear my baby with a sling or baby carrier.
3. Baby sleeps with us in our bed.
4. When my baby cries, I pick him up.
5. I always show my baby love and respect.
6. When he looks at me or seeks me, I give him attention so he gains a sense of self-worth.
7. I don’t sleep train or potty train my baby.
8. My baby is with me wherever I go, meeting new people and new scenarios.
9. I continue learning about parenting.
10. I smile to my baby first thing in the morning.
11. I say no and redirect or distract.
12. I never punish my baby for being a baby.
13. I ensure his trust in me is never breached.
14. I always remind my baby how much I love him.

Resources:

8 Infant Sleep Facts Every Parent Should Know by Dr William Sears
What is Attachment Parenting by Diana West, IBCLC
The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say by Alvin Powell
Early Brain Development: What parents and caregivers need to know by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
The Emotional Infant Brain by Lynn M. Johnson
Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking by Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
Responsive Parenting by Kelley Shirazi
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies by Dr William Sears
Stress in Infancy by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.