Strange Machines

It seems everyone wants me to send Jack to school, from my parents to the old lady I meet serving tea at the coffee shop. “It is essential for socialisation,” they insist.

The research says otherwise.

Playdates and preschool attendance can add stimulation—-and fun—-to your child’s daily life. But socialization-—the process of learning how to get along with others-—is not the same thing as socializing. Frequent socializing with peers does not necessarily lead to better social skills.

In fact, the opposite seems to be true. Too much time with peers can make kids behave badly. It’s the sulky elephant in the room that no one likes to talk about. Even upscale preschools are likely to make kids behave worse. As recent scientific studies confirm, preschool attendance increases childhood stress and retards social development.

(Source: Preschool Social Skills)

To many parents and teachers, these findings seem to defy common sense. Surely we learn social skills by interacting with other people. What could be more natural than letting your preschooler loose in a social world of her own peers?

In fact, part of this reasoning is sound. You do need people to learn people skills. The question is–which people? Preschoolers need to learn empathy, compassion, patience, emotional self-control, social etiquette, patience, and an upbeat, constructive attitude for dealing with social problems.

These lessons can’t be learned through peer contact alone. Preschools are populated with impulsive, socially incompetent little people who are prone to sudden fits of rage or despair. These little guys have difficulty controlling their emotions, and they are ignorant of the social niceties. They have poor insight into the minds and emotions of others (Gopnik et al 1999).

Yes, preschoolers can offer each other important social experiences. But their developmental status makes them unreliable social tutors. A child who copies other children may pick up good habits—-but she may also pick up bad ones. And peers do not always provide each other with right kind of feedback.

When a child offers to share his toy with a caring adult, he gets rewarded with gratitude and praise. He also learns that he will eventually get his toy back. When he offers to share with a peer, he may not get rewarded at all. Without adult guidance, these experiences can undermine social development by teaching the wrong lessons.

Moreover, it’s hard to see what’s natural about herding together a bunch of children who are all the same age. From the evolutionary, historical, and cross-cultural perspectives, it’s an unusual practice.

(Source: The darkside of preschool)

As parents, we are the best candidates to instill in our children the necessary building blocks in socialisation: empathy, emotional self-control, and communication. Offering our children a secure attachment and ourselves as good role models, and being involved and engaged in our children’s emotional world would arm them with better social skills than any preschool would.

A fascinating piece, peer-researched on how we love and discipline and how it affects our children. What most parents do actually is conditional parenting, whether or not we realise it:

Conditional parenting isn’t limited to old-school authoritarians. Some people who wouldn’t dream of spanking choose instead to discipline their young children by forcibly isolating them, a tactic we prefer to call “time out.” Conversely, “positive reinforcement” teaches children that they are loved, and lovable, only when they do whatever we decide is a “good job.”

This raises the intriguing possibility that the problem with praise isn’t that it is done the wrong way — or handed out too easily, as social conservatives insist. Rather, it might be just another method of control, analogous to punishment. The primary message of all types of conditional parenting is that children must earn a parent’s love. A steady diet of that, Rogers warned, and children might eventually need a therapist to provide the unconditional acceptance they didn’t get when it counted.

What can we do then? The take away from the article is:

In practice, according to an impressive collection of data by Dr. Deci and others, unconditional acceptance by parents as well as teachers should be accompanied by “autonomy support”: explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.

The last of these features is important with respect to unconditional parenting itself. Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short.

(Source: When a Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do as I Say’ by Alfie Kohn in the NY Times)

Since our first review of the Best iPhone Apps for Toddlers back in February 2009, lots of apps have been added to the iTunes store. But for educational children’s apps, some of the best are sequels. Here’s what we have on our iPod Touch now and are still playing.

1. Elephant Song

Wonderfully interactive, beautifully simple pictures, and a lovely song. When my son first played it, it was my morning anthem for a few weeks. After a while, I couldn’t get the song out of my head. It originated in YouTube but found its way to the iPhone, and for that I am grateful. The recent upgrade has made it more interactive. And to top it off, the app is free.

2. Preschool Arcade

The sequel to Preschool Adventure. Again, I woke up to the sounds of the arcade with this game which I’d been reluctant to try because I was afraid it wouldn’t be educational. But the developers very pleasantly surprised me and what followed was an educational, musical extravaganza which taught my son numbers, alphabets, and shapes in an arcade environment. Very cleverly educational and very good family fun for the children.

3. Ike’s Machine

This is also a sequel to Ike the Inventor, this time for slightly older kids. But you get to create things from blueprints that show the formulas (e.g. to make a book, you need 5 units of a blue stick, 10 units of a green stick, and 50 units of a green liquid). I thought it might have been too difficult for a 3 year old, but no, with a few weeks of help, my son soon mastered reading measurements from a blueprint and addition from this wonderful app and can now play it himself. Kudos to the brilliant inventor!

4. The Boy Who Cried Wolf

From the same people who brought you The Little Red Hen, the same delightful little girl narrates the familiar story of the boy who cried wolf, along with interactive characters and a kind end to this morality tale.

5. Dem Bones

A really fun game to teach kids about our skeleton. A skeleton is laid bare at the start with a pile of bones on the ground. The child must then put the bones back to where they belong according which bone is called. Good giggly fun for parent and child to play together.

6. Where’s Gumbo?

A classic “find someone” game turned interactive. Cute and engaging for a toddler, and switches on their seeking radar (see: The Science of Parenting).

7. First Words: At Home

From the First Words series. A child learns spelling by putting the alphabets back into the shadowed boxes. Simple, familiar, and educational.

8. ShapeBuilder

This one sparks everyone’s curiosity. A shape is presented with various jigsaw pieces to be filled. When filled, it transforms into either a gimme or an object you just could not have thought of. Very fun for both parent and child. Jack played this for hours.

9. Artsee

Similar to ShapeBuilder but this time you use your finger to splatter paint onto the shape and you’ll be asked to guess what it is out of 3 options. I say “you” in this case because I end up playing it too.

10. Old MacDonald’s Farm

Old MacDonald’s has expanded his farm with more animals than Noah could ever hold. This time, we can listen to him sing about sharks, dinosaurs, walruses, and even an octopus. It brought us lots of laughs and very loud animal sounds. No, no one called the zoo.

Part 1, written in February 2009, can be found here. Also cross-posted to my tech blog.

Actually, I do school Jack but usually on the go.

Language

When we’re in the car we have a chat about anything under the sun. We converse on the go and I explain things to him as we see them. I gently correct him if he is incorrect. He gets it right pretty fast. I read that that is the best way to improve a child’s language. Just talk to him.

Creativity and Imagination

At lunch we use activity books for play with his Playmobil or Lego figurines and cars in imagined scenarios (they have pictures we pretend are cities or homes or parks or zoos. We take the family to the zoo for example or through the catacombs to look for treasure.

I recently bought some Lego characters from the Indiana Jones trilogy (with beige faces!) and some came with a map, torch, and whip. Very useful with his maze book which features tunnels and treasure!

Sometimes he’s happy to work on his dexterity by colouring or working on mazes or just drawing. Makes it easy to pop food in his mouth once he’s past his feed-myself threshold.

Science

I try to answer all his questions honestly and scientifically as I can, explaining as simply as I can concepts of our world I’ve long taken for granted.

Why is the tree green? Why are the clouds white? What is dry ice? If I don’t know I tell him I’ll find out. He finds it all fascinating and soon we’re in a chain of whys.

Coffee helps keep the good cheer.

Math and the Value of Money (and How to Wait for What You Want)

He’s been wanting to buy toys so I make it a point to tell him the price of things. What is expensive and what is a reasonable price. He will only buy well-made toys after 3 years of brainwashing. :p

Big and/or expensive toys are reserved for Christmas. He’ll ask me, for Christmas? I say okay. These are over $20.

He is allowed to buy a toy under $10, preferably around $5 with my approval. Sometimes I see something *I* really want and I buy it for him. I try not to mention price during that instant…

He rarely sits on rides since I explain to him that $1 can pay for one hour of parking or half a bubble tea (which he loves). But of course, Grandpa always indulges, when I am not around, of course.

Physical

Today, with his daddy’s blessing and much cheered enthusiasm, I bought Jack 3 Lego foam swords and 2 shields and we had such a ball play fighting. It’s great exercise for the children and he and his cousin Kaitlyn had a marvellous time.

They also played pirates with a cardboard box and their stuffed friends. And my Mom played the Cyclops whose food they stole!

Daddy takes him to the playground 2-3 times a week. He plays non-stop with other children or with Dad.

I’ve never said no to his climbing at home since he tried the very first time. I’d tell him to make sure what he is climbing is stable and to hold on tight with his hands and he would never fall down. And that those were the rules of climbing.

(It is so typical of our culture to say, no stop climbing, you will fall. But I never let that negativity pass through my mouth and Jack ignores anyone who says that. Kids only hear the word fall. Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy and eventually they become too scared to try anything. Sorry, had to rant about that. He has never fallen while climbing.)

Usually when we are out, I let him climb and run as long as he is not disturbing anyone, along empty walkways and empty sections of a cafe. I’d be the crazy mom running with him chasing me from the loo after changing his diaper.

It’s fun to be silly. Heck, we were all silly once. Wasn’t it fun?

Today while flipping through a copy of Reader’s Digest, I came across a comment by Reese Witherspoon about respecting your kids.

That evening I tried it out with Jack. When he misbehaved, I took him aside and told him not to do it again and amazingly he obeyed!

He went back and apologised and promised not to do it again very contritely.

The point was to not humiliate him in front of others and he really appreciated that.

Thanks Reese for the helpful advice!

After a ton of research when we were considering another child, we put in place a few rules to prepare him:

1. Jack must feel and know that Jade belongs to us. We are a family.

2. We must make him feel she is worthy of all our love and that she takes away none of our love from him.

3. Sharing is emphasized. Sharing is what a family does.

4. Having a sister must be a positive and happy thing to him.

5. Family time is important. We must spend time together (before bedtime, for us) every day. All 4 of us.

6.To remember that it is our job as parents to ensure 1-5 happens and parry all negative sentiments from others.

So with that in mind, here is what we did:

1. Before Jade was conceived, we asked Jack if he wanted a sibling. He said yes.

2. When I was pregnant, we told him we were making the baby for him, and more importantly, that she belonged to him and us, and is also part of this family.

3. When I was tired, I told him making a baby in my tummy was hard work and gave him lots of hugs, kisses, and attention and cuddles while I lay down to rest. We did resty things like reading and playing cars on the bed.

4. I nursed, as painful as it became with my nipples becoming extra sore. I distracted myself with my iPod Touch as I could no longer fall asleep nursing him because of the pain and discomfort.

5. We took care to associate her arrival with wonderful and positive experiences. Like receiving special presents from each parent, and one special one (he has always wanted) from Jade given when he first meets her. And he got to choose a present for her. It worked beautifully.

6. I tandem nursed as often as I could (too tired to argue anyway). Day time anyway. Night time was tougher as he was nursed to sleep. Someone had to either carry her till he slept or entertain him while she nursed and then dozed off, on her own (of this I am grateful).

7. We do things together. I keep them both close – none of this someone takes him away from me while I am looking after her. Whether changing diapers or nursing or playing. Both kids sit on my lap during story time.

8. I don’t refuse him as much as I can if he wants to nurse. He wants to know I still love him so I show him in that way that I do. Lately he has been asking me if I love him and I take it as a sign that he needs my attention. I always stop what I am doing and look him in the eye and say tenderly, of course I love you… so much.

9. I take time to spend individually with each child. Daddy takes him out to the playground so I have one-on-time with Jade (even though when he is engrossed in his games I sneak a conversation with her). When she is asleep in our Ergo (which I use all the time with her), I play and read to him.

10. It is tiring and I am often exhausted and screaming for me-time. Accept all the help you can get to rest. But don’t allow anyone to undermine your relationship with your kids. When they say well-meaning things that do hurt him, I reassure him and correct them gently.

Take your time and enjoy each day. Your greatest gift to your children are to help them build a strong and loving bond between them so that years on even after you are gone, they will always still have each other.

Well, I’ve given up the afternoon for all of us after several fruitless attempts. Both kids are too amused by the arrangement that no one gets any sleep. So Jack stays up till the occasional doze while we are in the car past 3pm and is relatively cranky during the day. Jade just sleeps whenever she’s sleepy in the carrier. My back hurts!

Night time was another tricky thing. Initially Jade was happy for Daddy to carry her to sleep while I nursed Jack to sleep. But now she recognises Daddy isn’t Mommy. So she screams when he carries her during lights out till he passes her to me.

So when it is lights out, all 4 of us get into bed. I nurse Jade to sleep while Daddy cuddles Jack and tells him stories. Sometimes he falls asleep but usually when Jade is done, he’ll ask for a little milk and then goes to sleep on his own. Sometimes he feels he needs more and tries to persuade me to nurse him before she falls asleep so I do for a short while, and he rolls back to Daddy (who is usually asleep by now) and I nurse Jade again. Everyone’s happy although I get real sleepy. (Last night he even kneeled to nurse a bit while I nursed Jade so technically I tandemed both at night even though I was turned towards her.)

Middle of the night wakings continue… Initially Jack was distressed when he woke up, needed to suckle but his sister was nursing. Lots of screaming and crying ensued but his calmer sister usually dozed off and gave him his turn. These days he wakes less and is happy to wait a bit. She almost sleeps through the night, which is a relief!

The first few months are tough but with help and support from the hubby, it is doable.

Recently I’ve been too beat to get up – that 38 week exhaustion – but Jack, now almost 3 and wired like an Energizer bunny, loves to play. Here’s how I’ve been coping, all achieved lying down:

1. Read to toddler in bed

Cuddle together with a bunch of books he picked and read to him while he lies under your arm.

2. Play hide and seek

Round up his stuffed friends and man one of them. Stuffed friend hides in the blankets, pillows, anywhere easy to find,  within your arm’s reach, while he seeks. Then they can take turns.

3. Play the Zoo game

Round up his stuffed friends again and discuss with him which ones can pretend to be zoo animals, the rest can be visitors. Make the requisite ooh sounds when the visitors see the zoo animals. Zoo animals can show off by swimming or prancing.

4. Play educational games on iTouch

There are a ton of great educational games on the iTunes app store for a steal. Some he can play by himself, others like Hidden Everest, he can play with you. You could doze or enjoy a fun treasure hunt or cheer him on as he wins in a game.

Yes, I have been spending a LOT of time on my iTouch and really, it is a superb concept. Jack, meanwhile, has dubbed it HIS computer and much of my time is spent finding really fun apps for him to play on them.

So are the ones I think are best in no particular order:

(Note – fastest way to find these apps – open your iTunes and type the names into the Search field.)

1. Preschool Adventure

This is the one that sealed the deal for me. I looked at it at the Apple Store and thought, this would be a perfect app for Jack. Aside from being unbelievably cute, it is also very educational. It teaches shapes, colours, body parts, and animals. Must-get for every parent with a child.

2. Peekaboo Barn

Kids love playing peekaboo and this game opens with a red barn where an animal is hidden behind the doors and it makes a sound. Guess what it is. The sweetest part is when the sun sets and everyone goes to sleep. A little girl says, shh…

3. The Little Red Hen

Lovely story book read by a little girl in English, Spanish, and Cantonese. The animated and interactive characters make it a super fun adventure for your child. Jack adores this app. Looking forward to more from this developer.

4. First Words: Animals (and First Words: Vehicles)

They teach spelling very interactively. Your child can simply pop the letters into the grayed boxes and it is spelt and read out when all are fitted. Cute and fun! Keeps Jack busy every morning.

5. ABC Animals

This very nice app teaches children how to write the alphabet by tracing it on the iTouch. Both the caps and the small letters. Jack writes H beautifully now. Working on the rest.

6. Hidden Expedition

Although this game is really more for adults, Jack took to it like a duck in water. His vocab really increased while playing this find-the-hidden-object game. Worth every penny. I had fun too.

7. Animatch (and every other matching game)

Animatch is special cos the animals are really cute (says Jack who adores the cat) and make a sound when clicked. But still, all matching games are fun and educational for kids as they train their memory. Good for reminding Mom where she left her keys.

8. ICDL

ICDL, which is lovely and free, has 4 illustrated stories which you can read to your child. The funnest is definitely Waldo at the Zoo. For some arcane reason, Jack loves The Three Little Pigs. This is the PG version. I have to water it down for him.

9. Ike the Inventor

This app is amazing. Your child can play inventor and put together a tractor, iron, television, video camera, and many more things from the raw materials hung in the workshop from blueprints of that object. It teaches your child how to read a blueprint and also have fun making things and seeing them work!

10.Wild Animals (and Fruits, and now Puppies)

A fun series of jigsaw puzzles for kids. You can choose between 9, 16, or 25 pieces and you get a yay or nay when the piece is wrong or right. Encouraging and fun for all children. Jack spent hours playing with these.

11. Match Magic

A regular “draw a line to match two similar objects from 2 vertical rows” app but with a cheerleading team. One of the sweetest little girl’s voices encourages and cheers whenever you make a correct match or an encouraging “it’s okay” or “try again” when a wrong match has been made. Lovely for children learning shapes, numbers, pictures, and colours. One of Jack’s favourites.

12. iTykes FP (Finger Painting)

We have tried a few and found this one the simplest to use. Jack has made many drawings proudly captured by Mom with a two button click, saved in the Photo album.

For my 3 own faves, check out Best iPhone Games on my tech blog.

If he has a posse of stuffed animal friends already, have them line up enthused to take the meds to get better from (the same ailment your child has). Should your little one not bite the first time round, have the stuffed geniuses cheer about how much better they feel and go queue up for another round.

First time we tried this, it went on for 3 rounds before Jack finally jumped queue and wanted to take it too. We kindly told him to wait his turn or ask the animal friend if he could take his place. The kind friend said okay, and since that day, we’ve never had any trouble getting Jack to take his meds (with lots of cheering too).

These days, he picks out his fave friends to take meds before him! Cos they’re sick too. LOL!