Strange Machines

I’m a real laid back Mom. As a teen, danger was my middle name. I have the proud scars and trophies to show for it. And a fond memory of a black Kawasaki trail bike I spray painted myself, whom I named Tommy Ray after a character in Clive Barker’s grand novel The Great and Secret Show.

As a kid, I loved to play in the mud, climb trees, windows, the gate, just about everything and I never fell. I loved the outdoors and I loved risky adventures. We had a small garden filled with lots of plants and trees where a little girl could bring her stuffed animal friends and play make believe. It was a wonderful, happy, stress-free childhood.

I intend for Jack to have the same.

So it is to no surprise that I not only encourage my son to climb, jump, play in mud, I also teach him safety rules. For instance, when he climbs, he must concentrate on what he’s doing, and he must hold on with both hands. If he needs help, he must ask. And I’ll only let him climb places which I deem safe, which is almost anywhere.

These days I am lazy and loathe the sun, but I will slather on sunblock and be prepared to swelter just so my boy can enjoy the park nearby and visit the lovely jungle trails at our zoo. And oh he loves it. He’ll swing like a monkey on the handrails while we wait for the tram and race through the path like a speeding bullet. He’s the most active child I know.

Research agrees risky fun play is critical for survival skills like making judgement calls and assessing danger, especially in this modern world:

According to the study, kids need the adventure of “risky” play: “Risk-taking increases the resilience of children,” said one researcher. “It helps them make judgments,” said another. They list examples of risky play that should be encouraged including fire-building, den-making, watersports, paintballing, boxing and climbing trees.

Arnon Lotem, a researcher at Tel Aviv University, found that modern people have adopted risk-taking behaviors similar to those of animals like rats and bees. And this behavior, Prof. Lotem says might not prepare humankind for the types modern dangers we face every day — like crossing the street, accepting a high-risk mortgage, driving on the freeway, or flying a plane.

(Sources: New Study: Kids Need the Adventure of “Risky” Play; Humans Evolved to Fear Snakes, Not High-Risk Mortgages or Risks at Traffic Lights)

Many people ask me why I practice attachment parenting (well, usually aspects of it like carrying Jack, nursing him still at 2, and co-sleeping). Simply because it is the only scientifically proven method to produce a happy, smart, well-adjusted adult. This is not to say that other methods of parenting will not. But that attachment parenting (AP) consistently does.

If you want to build a airplane, you study to become an aerospace engineer. If you want to be a great lawyer, you study the law. If you want to become a doctor, you learn all you can about medicine and leverage on hundreds of years of medical experience and expertise to apply the best solution to a patient’s problem.

So why do so many parents not approach parenting the same way? Many don’t even bother to pick up a book or Google for advice and instead listen to well-meaning advice (aka hearsay) from dubious sources. The precious generation did not know best. Look at all the outdated practices like spanking and cry-it-out debunked and proven seriously harmful already. Now, surely during this age of enlightenment and science, scientists have come up with a “best practice” for parenting. And indeed they have.

It is attachment parenting. And you don’t even need to pick up a book although I will recommend a few. Google “attachment parenting” and a whole wealth of resources will be at your feet (if you can see them at this point, if pregnant).

Support from the scientific community is evident in the numerous research studies published on the various aspects of AP. It may not be apparent in the general attachment parenting pages but you’ll find them reported in scientific journals and the news. Keep an eye out for them.

Here are some AP practices:

1. Extended nursing
2. Sleep sharing
3. Positive parenting
4. Mutual respect
5. Enforcing limits
6. Natural food
7. Babywearing
8. Lots of hugs and attention, love, care, praise, encouragement, and smiles
9. Encourage baby to bond with others
10. Teach baby respect for himself and others

Now AP has been criticised for being extremely difficult to practice without an army of help. I agree. I have no one but my husband and occasionally my Dad to help out and am exhausted and sleep deprived every day. Everyone needs some time off and I am grateful I encouraged my husband and Dad to bond with Jack since the day he was born. I trust them implicitly to care for him and he loves and adores them very much.

Despite my constant tiredness, Jack and I have a wonderful bond which is evident in our matching grins when we share a joke, laugh together at funny things, sing together, or nurse together when I hold him like a baby again and he looks into my eyes with such love and adoration that I would slay dragons for him. Heck, he even lets me sleep in nowadays and gently suggests I wake once in a while with a big grin in my face and a “Good Morning Mommy!”

He is easy to bring out to town by myself in his Ergo carrier and stays close when on the run. I frequently get comments on how polite, well-spoken, and happy he is. He listens to me and will accept reason, negotiations, and bribery/carrots. (Yes! I am guilty!) Desserts are fruits and treats are tiny Japanese ice creams. He eats all the foods I offer and often asks for more vegetables.

I work very hard to be my husband’s cheerleader, as well as the cheerleader of all those important to my son. They are his heroes and I paint them as kind and loving and shining examples of humanity as I can and when held to task, they often exceed his expectations. For families, there’s this wonderful Ladybird book called My Superdad which I highly recommend everyone buying to read to their child. Dad will feel like a superhero every time his child points at him and says, “Look at that! It’s SuperDad!” like Jack does.

AP is a journey. A wonderful journey for all parents who wish to embark on it. After all, you are building a lifelong relationship with this small mini-me of yours, why not make it a beautiful relationship. It has made me a better, kinder, more patient person (ask any of my friends!) keeping admirable Margaret Thatcher hours. Oh yes, the extra overtime you put in the first few years will save you years of worry, grief, and therapy bills later, so jokes one of the authors below. :p

Highly recommended books for a happy, sociable, smart, and loving child:
Note: no TV or daycare needed:

The Complete Secrets of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph

The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Dr Harvey Karp

The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr Harvey Karp

Making Happy People: The Nature of Happiness and Its Origins in Childhood by Paul Martin

The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland

Since Jack gathered a posse of stuffed animal friends, we’ve been gossiping with them on many levels. Gossip, a technique suggested by Dr Harvey Karp of Happiest Toddler on the Block fame (I highly recommend it for its practical and useful techniques!), involves you whispering within hearing limits to another person (or stuffed animal) exactly the thing you’d like your child to do. The premise is that gossip carries more weight than a direct mention since it was never mention for the hearer to hear.

It has worked since the first day we tried it.

Most often, I tell his Dad what sweet things he did that day and how lovely it would be if he did it every day. Positive stuff, you know. Things that reinforce good behaviour. Like picking up his toys, eating well at lunch, helping me tidy up, helping me get the newspaper, waking Mom up gently with a big smile in her face and a sweet “Good morning Mommy”, and treating things at stores and at home too, with respect. He’d be playing with something with one ear perked up, and lo and behold, the next day, he would, without prompting, do it!

Also useful is how to get your child to make medicine! I have had some experience getting my cats to take meds and I have to say, it is much easier with humans. With both species, the direct method of shoving spoon in mouth does not work. Nor does the syringe.

So here’s a bit of goss and peer pressure to publicise the fun of medicine taking.

Gossip part: the first time, I chatted with his (plush) friends about how sick children need to take meds to get better. We’ve all been down with some form of cold or flu for a while and so, even the friends have been down with it. They’d talk among each other (Gray would tell Biscuit how he got better taking the meds and Biscuit would be all, wow! I should too!).

Peer pressure part: The most effective of course, to get your kids to take medicine, is to have all his friends clamour for it. Jack had been resistant to taking medicine from day one.

So we didn’t make a big deal. Instead just announced it was time to take medicine. His stuffed friends would all cheer “Yay, it is medicine time! I love to take medicine when I am sick!” and run to queue beside me for their turn to take the meds and their Dad would be standing there cheerily giving each friend a sip.

Jack watched in amazement as all his buddies cried, “Yummy! Thanks Dad!” Or “I feel better already”, and joined the queue for a second round! Then he decided he wanted in too! He said, “baby too!” and jumped the queue.

During the first couple of time, he would make a face and run off after a taste. But watching his friends go on round after round taking imaginary sips, he’d go back one or two rounds to finish off the meds. There’d be a loud cheer from everyone after, and next time, a noticeable absence from some of the friends who were already well.

In our last two sessions yesterday and tonight, we incorporated a lesson in queuing too. Since Jack is now enthused about taking meds (and specifically said he preferred a particular colour over another) we stated that he has to queue and wait his turn. He did, and all the kids are now happy asleep and en route to recovery.

No doubt tomorrow will bring more goss and fun peer activities with Jack and his sweet stuffed buddies. May we all get well soon.

Jack’s fave hangout is the zoo now. We’ve gone 3 times already this month and looks like this weekend we might head there again. I attempted to bond with the frustrated white tiger that keeps pacing but he refuses to blink back at me. The lioness that naps on the perch almost did though.

Last time, Jack and his cousin Kaitlyn sang nursery rhymes all the way to the zoo. Both kids also went cheek to cheek with the giraffes and we had a few pics taken. On the way home, both dozed off with their mouths open.

Today we spent most of our time with the zebras and giraffes. When asked if he wanted to sit on the elephants, he said, look only. Later at home, he said, not scared, ready to ride. At the exit, we saw a baby horse and Jack petted it gently!

Meanwhile, Jack loves to smile for the camera now, although for now, it looks more of a grimace.

The one thing I wanted real bad as a kid was to celebrate Halloween. How could I not? All the books I read had children in funny Halloween costumes going from house to house trick or treating. It was THE thing to do as a kid. But of course, here we never celebrated it. And if we attempted it, neighbours would probably think we were whacked.

Then again, this generation might be a tad more open-minded with global television and the Internet. And we live in a different neighbourhood now. We know all our neighbours and they know us, and most of them are kind and friendly, especially since we had Jack. I can truly see Jack, in a few years, togged up in some cute Halloween costume inspired from the Costume Chatter Blog carrying an empty pumpkin I probably scooped out for him, with a group of friends trick or treating to the bemused aunties and uncles in our block.

Despite this being a rather safe country, I’d still watch from afar and warn him to stay close, limiting his adventures to our block and on the ground floor only where I can see him. I’d grill him on Halloween safety tips to ensure he doesn’t get in trouble. And his evening of Halloween fun would end right here, at home with Mom giving him and his little friends a ton of nice treats and a Halloween party.

Wouldn’t you say that’s living vicariously through my baby?

Since as far as I can remember, Jack has always loved puzzles. One of his fave toys is still a wooden puzzle box with many 3-piece animal jigsaws inside. He’ll sit and play while he has lunch or dinner. At his cousin’s he encountered a more complex set of jigsaws. Some were up to 15 pieces.

Still he was unfazed. He’d ask me to help and I gladly taught him to look at the board and look at the pieces, fit in the corners, then the sides, and then the middle pieces. To my amazement, he managed a 9 piece puzzle by himself today! I was so proud!

Today we celebrated Father’s Day at Modestos and then went to paint Takashimaya red. Our dear aunt NH called to say she was at the airport with her boys and we sped off to meet them. I told Jack in the car we were going to see his grandaunt and uncles and he was thrilled. It had been 4 months since he saw them and he remembered them very well.

In fact, when they showed up, he walked right up to her, peered at her and said “Gu Puo (grandaunt in Chinese)”. She was so amazed she gave him a big hug. We had dinner at Crystal Jade and he let his young uncles carry and play with him. He even showed off the “car bag” I made for him.

“Car bag,” he proclaimed, and proudly displayed the sling bag hung diagonally around him. “Mama made!” I was so thrilled. It was the first thing he showed everyone at lunch and at the airport today when he met them, right after wishing all the fathers a loud “Happy Father’s Day!”. His Dad and I were so proud of him.

He remembers things very acutely. From the broken car mirror on the silver car at the Forum Toys R Us (now fixed, but he reminds me every time, “not broken”, when we go there) to who bought him what. He remembers all his extended family and even people he met just once and where. It is remarkable. Even the things we don’t review at the end of the day. I would always ask him if he had a great day and what he did today. Still months later he will amaze me by remembering something I barely registered.

At Terminal 3, he weighed himself at an empty check-in counter. He is 12.3kg and 94 cm tall at 25 months, one heck of a runner, bilingual, a competent singer (he sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to me this morning, out of nowhere), an avid dreamer (he’ll tell me about his dreams - sweet dreams about everyone hugging), a loving and affectionate child (he’ll hug and kiss and tell his loved ones he loves them in English and Chinese), and that amazing memory.

And in other news, a sweet evening with Boy tonight. Ah I love my boys so much.

I admit I get a lot of flak for this. Jack sleeps from 11pm to 11am. I sleep from 4am to 11am. I need my personal time. For a person used to independence and heaps of down time and personal time, motherhood had made creative timekeeping a necessity. But criticism has been all round so I have kept from blogging about it (to stem the flak) till I realised many parents probably do the same and hesitate to tell anyone about it.

Most families, with at least one parent working at least till 6, will have only 1.5 hours face time with their child. This raises the question of what sort of quality time will a child get if he sleeps at 8pm? Working people need to unwind just like the rest of us so how does baby get time with Dad and Mom who just got home?

Let’s do an imaginary schedule: Dad finishes work at 6pm. Comes home by 6.30. Mom gets dinner ready by 7.30 while Dad naps or plays with baby. Meal ends with dessert by 8.30. Dad plays with baby while Mom does dishes. Mom takes a shower and gets ready for baby to have his. Now it is 9.

Baby baths with Dad and gets handed to Mom. 9.15. Mom dries and dresses baby as he plays with his cars. Dad joins them on the bed for reading time. 9.30. 3 books are read and discarded. 10. Baby wants a bit more time with cars. Ok. Mom and Dad negotiate with him and he willingly stops playing by 10.15. Lights out at 10.20 after hugs and kisses.

Baby nurses and finally falls asleep by 11.

Now that is a day we spend at home.

If we go out or to Grandma’s for dinner, we don’t get home till 9.30 or 10. Push forward and baby doesn’t sleep till 11 or 11.30. Sometimes 12.

Then he wakes up for milk at least twice a night. Some nights more, and that makes me wonder about weaning. But as Dr Sears says, weaning is a journey from one relationship to another.

Weaning is not a negative term, nor is it something that you do to a child. Weaning is a journey from one relationship to another. The Hebrew word for wean is gamal, meaning “to ripen.” In ancient times, when children were breastfed until two or three years of age, it was a joyous occasion when a child weaned. It meant the child was filled with the basic tools of the earlier stages of development and secure and ready to enter the next stage of development. A child who is weaned before his time may show anger, aggression, habitual tantrum-like behavior, anxious attachment to caregivers, and an inability to form deep and intimate relationships. We call these traits diseases of premature weaning.

I am glad I decided to breastfeed Jack till he is ready to wean. My gynae nursed her daughter till she self-weaned at 3 and supported my decision to breastfeed till he self-weans. It is sometimes tiring but I realise these nights spent nursing him arm him with a security, strength, and capacity for intimacy he will have all his life and it is worth it. What is 3 years in the face of 90 years for a child I love and adore? Nothing.

Well-meaning people have expressed tons of concern about the weaning and the strange hours we keep. But how strange are the hours? It is a necessity set in place by the working world. A child should not be forced to bed early just so “it is normal” and be denied time with his parents, especially those working. Nor will such children suffer for it because children are highly adaptable. While in Melbourne, Jack woke at 9 with the sun on his face. I had to put him to bed at 9 just so he’d get his 12 hours every night - essential for brain development.

Back home, Jack sleeps from 11pm to 11am (and more recently, 10pm to 11am with a 1-2 hour nap from 3-4 or 3-5 in between). Voluntarily too! I ask him if he is ready to sleep and he says yes, hugs Biscuit and lies down beside me for the joys of having both boobs to himself! He is alert and happy every day and wakes up refreshed with a cheery “wake up, Mama” in my face in the morning and tell me his dreams from the night before.

My mother often says, look at the hours you keep. How will Jack wake up for school next time? Now, if I am a case in point then I reinforce the notion that children are adaptable. I slept from 8pm to 8am from the day I was born till I went to school and STILL I had trouble waking up at 545am. Mom had to literally drag my sorry ass out of bed every day.

The most important thing every parent needs to do is to ensure their child gets 12-14 hours of sleep every day. It is critical for their brain development (yes I have said this twice already but it is critical). Keep your curtains closed (get black-out curtains if you need to) to encourage your child to sleep longer. Nursing babies sleep longer especially with Mom next to them for love and comfort. Here are more sleep tips from Dr Sears. We used many in the early days and they are very helpful, especially understanding how babies sleep.

And the Moms? Before baby, I used to thrive on 9-10 hours sleep a night. Uninterrupted. (Okay, that was before WoW. WoW was training for motherhood. We played from 8pm to 2am every day but that’s another story.) Now my body has gotten used to 5-6 hours a night (a nap with Jack in the afternoon helps). Of course, 8 hours is still ideal but some nights like tonight when I dozed off nursing Jack at 10pm and then waking alert at 1am, and will probably sleep again by 4am, the 6 hours I will get keeps me refreshed.

With nursing, most interruptions are brief and if I am sleeping, mostly unfelt. Jack knows his way around now and helps himself to milk at night! In fact, tonight after his second session, he made a leap, eyes closed, for the boob while I tried to edge away. I was so amused I let him nurse for another session till he unlatched himself and draped himself over my pillow and feet on Daddy’s face.

This morning when we woke, Jack nursed as usual and sweetly asked, “Mama please hold hands”. I held his hand. Once done, he peered into my dozy face and grinned, kissed my cheeks repeatedly and then ran outside to look for his Dad.

We accomplished a lot today. Got a new pair of spectacles, ordered a new bathroom door to replace the broken one, did some market research on sewing machines (I was very awed by the Singer 8280 and the saleslady’s demo).

In the end, we lugged home my brother’s old Singer - actually my grandmother’s - after much convincing (”It’s the second last furniture I have of grandma’s.” “Grandma’s going to live with you soon. Isn’t having grandma herself even better than her furniture?” Pause. “You’re so rude.”).

I spent the latter half of the evening cleaning it (and here’s a link to some step-by-step advice). It is rusty but I rubbed in lemon and salt and hoped for the best. The gears still work and everything is where it should be. I spent a moment thinking of my grandma sitting by her machine with all the chalk, thread, and needles in the drawers.

I confess still being tempted by the 8280, its reputation only slightly marred by some jamming issues. Duds, some of them? The saleslady May said they’re all assembled in China now, although the parts are made in Brazil. I’ve been lucky so far with the Nokia phones. But let me run a couple of projects on the old Singer first. But it would be nice to have a machine ready to go…

Since it sells on Ebay for about slightly more than the list price including shipping (over US$100 - ouch), I might just get it here if I want it. Okay, I want it, but for now, I don’t need it.

Meanwhile, I’m planning to make this lovely stuffed tomato dish (with organic spinach, diced carrots, raisins, black beans, garlic, some herbs) for dinner tomorrow. It will be a nice change from the usual pasta+fish combo. That and the wrinkled yellow capsicum that is now 1 week old in my fridge.

In a few days, my sweet son will be 2. Looking back, he’s achieved so much.

Today he mastered 3-puzzle jigsaws. At the last United Square toy fair, I bought him a wooden box full of lovely animal jigsaws. Only today did he bring it out to play and in a blink, he mastered them all.

His vocabulary is increasing exponentially. Today he learnt the phrase “hold the bar” (while coming down stairs). He can easily say complete sentences by himself, but even with new phrases, I don’t need to say 2-3 words at a time. He can copy half sentences after hearing them once.

It has been frequently commented that he is thin. Let’s just say it is genetic and from my side of the family. With double dominant thin genes from his maternal grandparents, it is a slam dunk. He grows proportionally. Today his Dryper XL seems to be getting tighter so I know he is growing. Just a few months ago he was wearing L!

He is 90th percentile for his age group in terms of height at 88-90cm. At 12kg he is 50th percentile for his weight.

He eats all day and I feed him healthy organic fruit and vegetables. He loves blueberries and can say hello to the nice Aunty Nancy at Why Yogurt over in Great World City there, tell her his favourite 3 berries, and remind me that the blue and pink cups that used to be displayed in the glass case are gone.

He loves playing with his cars, puzzles, reading his books, and most sweetly, is most fond of the stuffed cotton rabbit and cat I made him. He hugs them and tells everyone, “Mama made”.

At the toy store, he is happy to just browse and not buy, a habit formed from early days of “looking trips” and the very rare “buying trip”. He is happy with the toys he has at home. Even for his birthday, he just wants another of his favourite car. I was so proud.

He is loving and affectionate, showing kisses and hugs to his grandma, grandpa, mom, and dad. He is very sociable, and readily waves hello and goodbye to people we meet, lending a smile to those he favours.

He greets me every morning with a grin, saying “Good Morning!” and then “Wake up, Mama!” What a fabulous way to wake up.

It has been a happy, sleepy, and wonderful 2 years with this joyful, sweet, delightful little boy. I am glad I stuck by the tenets of attachment parenting, pretty much the only parenting method supported by science and 30 years of peer-reviewed research.

The breastfeeding, co-sleeping (no cry-it-out), babywearing (no pram; sling or carrier only), and focus on positivity (no “you can’t do that”) and encouragement has been a breeze compared to others who complained about what a hassle it is to go out with so much to carry, disobedient kids. It is instant calm when Jack is nursing and his close bond to me has allowed him the security to be one of the most independent kids I know.

Attachment parenting builds a strong bond between mother and child, and equips a child with confidence, love, security, and a helluva lot of smarts.

First of all, no TV. All the studies agree it is harmful. It is common sense that a child spending one hour playing with his toys or running around in the park is learning more than a child passively watching TV, yes, even the “educational” programs. We, as humans, learn best by example, in the real world.

We choose our battles. By allowing him to win the small battles, such as choosing the clothes he’d like to wear, and what toys to play, he allows us to win the big ones, such as when it is time to go (we rarely have a problem with that, after giving him 5 minutes grace then he waves bye bye) and when it is bedtime.

Today he can readily say he is ready to sleep. With the former, he has grown confident of his choices and truly, he has great taste in clothes.

His artwork is all over our home, the prized ones hung in the bedroom. He loves drawing and we regard each piece as a work of art. Just in 3 months, his work has evolved so much. And he is very proud of it.

We negotiate now. I believe it is an important skill he needs in life. He wants to go out to the park. I say okay, after your meal. He thinks about it then looks at me and says ok. And we eat, then we go out. I keep all my promises to him and so does his dad.

Integrity is something so important and yet so overlooked. I was truly blessed to have a father who keeps his word to me every single time since the day I was born. If he says he will bring the newspaper, yes even something as trivial as that, he will. And he has never forgotten. That is how I learnt integrity.

And so I plan to teach it to Jack. For him to become the man I want him to be, I must become the person I want him to be.