Strange Machines

This is a great landmark for Jack.

Previously at night he’d be calling for me when he woke. Even if his Dad was there, he might well be nothing more than a log beside him, patting and trying to soothe him.

But last night he recognised the sleeping form of his Dad, now immune to his crying. His Dad had found him wide awake, sitting, and patting his back laughing and shrieking in delight. I’d been in the other room online. He had to call me twice before I heard him.

I went in to nurse him and he fell right back asleep. I’m so proud of him. It’s a first step towards independence. All the attachment we have been sharing has paid off.

He’s now happily playing with his Dad, crawling everywhere, the cats wandering here and there around him. He always watches them rapt, intrigued. It’s a lovely Saturday for all of us here.

There’s so much misinformation out there about parenting from harmful advice such as cry-it-out (CIO), not “spoiling” your baby, or sleep training your baby (see more studies on sleep) to simply annoying groundless superstitions and anecdotes. So it was with a breath of fresh air that KellyMom, a great evidence-based parenting resource, was found. It is a true gem in the wastelands of the web.

As with every other science, we can never be absolutely sure. But with peer-review studies turning up the same conclusions, we can surmise that it is reasonably accurate. I have checked the findings against other books by parenting writers like Sears, Biddulph, and others, as well as research published in science and health journals and news releases, and each affirmation buoys my decision to practice attachment parenting (AP).

Here are the things I practice as a parent:

1. I breastfeed my baby on demand.
2. I wear my baby with a sling or baby carrier.
3. Baby sleeps with us in our bed.
4. When my baby cries, I pick him up.
5. I always show my baby love and respect.
6. When he looks at me or seeks me, I give him attention so he gains a sense of self-worth.
7. I don’t sleep train or potty train my baby.
8. My baby is with me wherever I go, meeting new people and new scenarios.
9. I continue learning about parenting.
10. I smile to my baby first thing in the morning.
11. I say no and redirect or distract.
12. I never punish my baby for being a baby.
13. I ensure his trust in me is never breached.
14. I always remind my baby how much I love him.

Resources:

8 Infant Sleep Facts Every Parent Should Know by Dr William Sears
What is Attachment Parenting by Diana West, IBCLC
The Science of Attachment: The Biological Roots of Love by Lauren Lindsey Porter
Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say by Alvin Powell
Early Brain Development: What parents and caregivers need to know by Phyllis Porter, M.A.
The Emotional Infant Brain by Lynn M. Johnson
Mistaken Approaches to Night Waking by Paul M. Fleiss, M.D., M.P.H., F.A.A.P., 2000
Responsive Parenting by Kelley Shirazi
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies by Dr William Sears
Stress in Infancy by Linda Folden Palmer, D.C.

A Baby’s Cries by Jeri

“Crying is as good for the lungs as bleeding is for the veins.” ~ Dr. William Sears, The Fussy Baby, page 63

A Baby Cries: How Should Parents Respond? by Jan Hunt, M.Sc.

In all innocence, a baby assumes that we, as his parents, are correct - that whatever we do is what we ought to be doing. If we do nothing, the baby can only conclude that he is unloved because he is unlovable. It is not within his capabilities to conclude that we are only busy, distracted, worried, misled by “experts”, or simply inexperienced as parents. No matter how deeply we love our baby, it is mostly the outward manifestations of that love that the baby can understand.

In our culture, we assume that crying is normal and unavoidable for babies. Yet in natural societies where babies are carried close to the care-giver much of the day and night for the first several months, such crying is rare. In contrast to what many in our society would expect, babies cared for in this way show self-sufficiency sooner than do babies not receiving such care.

In fact, research on early childhood experiences consistently shows that children who have enjoyed the most loving care in infancy become the most secure and loving adults, while those babies who have been forced into submissive behavior build up feelings of resentment and anger that may well be expressed later in harmful ways.

In spite of this research, most arguments for ignoring crying are based on fears of “spoiling” the baby. A typical baby-care brochure advises the parent to “let the baby handle it for a while”. Though infancy can be a challenging time for the parents, a baby is simply too young and inexperienced to “handle” the cause of the crying, whatever it may be. He cannot feed himself, change himself, or comfort himself in the way that nature intended. Clearly, it is the parents’ responsibility to meet their baby’s needs for nurturing, security, and love, not the baby’s responsibility to meet his parents’ need for peace and solitude.

The pamphlet implies that if the parents give their baby an opportunity to become self-reliant, they are helping him to mature. But an infant is simply not capable of such maturity. True maturity reflects a strong foundation of emotional security that can only come about from the love and support of those closest to him during the earliest years.

An immature person can only respond to stress in an immature way. A baby denied his birthright of comforting from his parents may respond by turning to ineffective self-stimulation (head-banging, rhythmic rocking, thumb-sucking, etc.) and emotional withdrawal from others. If his needs are routinely ignored, he may decide that loneliness and despair are preferable to risking further disappointment and rejection. Unfortunately, this decision, once made, can become a permanent outlook on life, leading to an emotionally impoverished life.

Many child-care professionals feel that parental encouragement of self-satisfiers and over-substitution of material objects - teddy bears substituting for parents, strollers for arms, cribs for shared sleep, pacifiers for nursing, toys for parents’ attention, music boxes for voices, formula for breast-milk, wind-up swings for laps - have led to an age of materialistic acquisition, personal loneliness and lack of emotional fulfillment.

Stressful though it may be, infant crying should be seen not as a power struggle between parent and child, but as a gift of nature to ensure that all babies can grow to adulthood with a generous capacity for love and trust.

Fear of Spoiling

Where does fear of spoiling come from?

Since December 1, Jack’s been getting difficult at bedtime and sleeping even less. His first sleep lasts anything from 1-3 hours (3 if I’m lucky), then it is another 1-3 hours, and after that 1-2 hours.

So last night out of sheer exhaustion, we tried the CIO method (cry it out). Absolute wusses, we didn’t last 10 minutes. Poor Jack cried, then screamed till his lungs were hoarse. I leapt out of bed and held him close swearing never to do it again.

But tonight, after 3 hours of “winding down”, he still refused to go to bed despite rubbing his eyes many times. The moment we put him down, he began crying (maybe remembering what happened last night). Finally for the third time, I picked him up and nursed him, tried putting a semi-awake baby down, and he cried again.

I tried the Karp method (5Cs), carrying him on his side, tummy to tummy with me (actually it is my Mom’s method), and loudly shushing (this one is Karp’s). He began his soft whining which indicates he is very sleepy and he slowly fell asleep. Three times more I tried putting him down and three times he cried again. Eventually, he slept.

So here I am, rather exhausted but mentally awake (actually I wanted to check if the WoW maintenance was over), updating my blog with something very important: the dangers of CIO. Instinctively, it feels wrong to ignore my child’s crying. In this case, a mother’s instinct has been proved correct by science.

Science shows up Supernanny

A mental health expert warns that fashionable advice to ignore your child’s tears may cause lifelong harm

When it comes to the crowded and hotly debated world of how best to bring up baby, there is a new theory that uses brain scans to argue that controlled crying not only damages babies’ brains but produces angry, anxious adults.

‘If you ignore a crying child, tell them to shut up or put them in a room on their own, you can cause serious damage to their brains on a level that can result in severe neurosis and emotional disorders later in life,’ said Professor Margot Sunderland, a leading expert in the development of children’s brains and a British Medical Association award-winning author, who has already written more than 20 books on child mental health.

Based on her four-year study of brain scans and scientific research, Sunderland entreats parents to reject the modern theories of baby experts such as Gina Ford and Channel 4’s Supernanny, Jo Frost, who preach strict discipline, routine and controlled crying.

Sunderland’s book, The Definitive Child Rearing Book, to be published next month, provides step-by-step guidance on how to react to every swing in a child’s mood, even down to the best way to hug an upset baby.

‘The blunt truth is that uncomforted distress may cause damage to the child’s developing brain,’ said Sunderland, the director of Education and Training at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London.

She believes that parents often do not give adequate recognition to their children’s distress. While the importance of touching, cuddling and physically soothing their babies is paramount, she also advises parents of the dangers of attempting to minimise their children’s anger and emotional distress.

‘Parents should never try to persuade their child out of feeling a certain emotion,’ she said. ‘Even if your child is reading a situation in a completely different way to you, it is important to prove to them you are empathising through the time you give them and the language and facial expressions you use.

‘If your child is upset, you will reduce rather than increase their feelings of stress by not taking their upset as seriously as you would wish someone to take your own,’ she added. ‘Attempting to jolly them out of their mood will result in them internalising their stresses, which will take the same toll on their bodies and brain as unsoothed crying.’

Sunderland also believes parents often unwittingly discipline children through shame and fear. ‘It can get quick results and parents often do not realise they are doing it,’ she said. ‘But the price on a child’s developing brain can be very high and leave a legacy of anxiety and social phobia for life. It is all too easy to break a child.’

Instead, Sunderland encourages parents to be very emotional when their child is well behaved and very matter of fact when they behave badly. ‘When telling a child off, parents should use low-key voices, a monotone that states calmly but firmly what the child has done wrong and what the punishment will be.’

Sunderland believes that parents who use fighting words and phrases that demand absolute and immediate obedience will create a defiant child while thinking words, that activate their brains by giving them a choice, will defuse intense states of emotional arousal.

Often, however, Sunderland advises that words are not necessary and that calmly holding the child who is refusing to listen is enough. ‘Sometimes the child’s brain is too hyper-aroused to respond to language and a warm and loving touch is the only thing that can calm them down without conflict.’

Sunderland offers the following advice to parents:

· Do not try to persuade the child out of their emotions, however extreme or unreasonable you might feel those emotions to be.

· Do not minimise their emotions: show through touch, tone and facial expression that you understand the intensity and quality of what they are going through.

·Be their emotional rock: be kind and calm.

·Hold them - touch is vital to calm and soothe a child.

I shall do that… and I’ll look out for the book.

(Reference: Q&A: 11-week-old and self-soothing)

Lately Jack has been most preoccupied with his left hand. He spends hours on end staring at it and putting it in his mouth. It’s been a source of comfort, sucking his fist. He’s soothed himself back to sleep some 7am mornings when I’d been too tired to get up.

My Mom bought some side padded thingys for his cot now that he’s too big for his sleeper. They’re of the Cat and the Fiddle (she thought I’d like it). He was so intrigued when I first placed him inside with the new sides. He stared and stared at them, cooing and shrieking in delight. At the same time, I installed his Humpty mobile and he lay there entertaining himself for over an hour.

He’s so keen to learn these days. His eyes widen when I bring out the flash cards and he smiles when he sees his favourite animals. He still loves staring at the lights and happily lies in his cot watching the Humptys turn round and round (he likes the red ones best because he’s had two bigger ones in his cot), or looking at the cat and the fiddle, the cow and the moon, and the plate and the spoon.

Last night he laughed and laughed when his aunt B carried him and talked to him. He loves to be carried and talked to. My Dad talks to him everyday for a half hour. Everyone agrees he’s going to be a talker when he grows up.

Since day 1 I have approached motherhood algorithmically. It is always one of these few things: hunger, wind, sleepiness, diaper, attention. But it is useless when your brain is too wasted to make a clear analysis and act on it.

Jack was still hungry last night. He’d fed, cried, burped repeatedly, and wanted to sleep. He finally slept at 1230am and woke at 330am, 730am, and 11am. If I’d just fed him more at 11pm, he may have slept till 5am as he usually did, but I was just too tired.

The lack of caffeine doesn’t help. I’m used to a cup of green tea at least. Now without even OJ, I am stuck with milk, which makes me even sleepier.

Meanwhile, my arm’s going to be numb. I forgot to strap MBF and Jack fell asleep with my left arm wrapped heroically around him. Need Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at least…

Sleep: 3 + 4 + 3.5

In other more exciting news, they found lakes on Titan!

It’s pretty confirmed Jack’s on a 5+3 night schedule now. In fact, he’s almost like clockwork. He fussed from 10pm till midnight, drinking like a parched nomad in the desert, and finally fell asleep on his own. He woke at 5am almost sharp, drank 4 sessions, had a diaper change, and wanted to play a little before finally sleeping at 7am (which was when I managed to sleep too). True to form, he woke again at 10am and we called it a night.

I’ve put away the milk towels for feeding, using them only to protect MBF or the bed. The plastic-backed bibs seem to be better, very much more absorbent and less messy, and also seem to give Jack a better feeding experience (as a usability tester, it is important for virtually everything to have a good experience - hmm… maybe I should go into sales).

Did a bit of surfing today and found lots of cool parent sites. I like Parent Hacks and Rookie Mom for their cool ideas on managing baby. More links on the left under the category Mom Zones.

Our aircon is being serviced as I type this. Amazingly, Jack is sleeping through the loud whirring. The past 5 nights, it had been dripping like a leaky faucet, sometimes like a river. My Dad said it was clogged. I hope to find out why soon.

Last night Jack was fussy from 11pm-midnight. It is almost as if he knows his bedtime is midnight, so don’t try to con me, Mommy. After 2 failed attempts to put him to bed, third time was a charm after feeding extensively on both boobs.

He woke at 5am, fed extensively from both again and fell asleep quickly after a diaper change, burp, and a hug from Mom. I couldn’t sleep. Mind buzzing about work stuff. Finally I fell asleep close to 8 and had a strange but telling dream.

Jack cried to be fed again at 8.30am and he ate and dozed till 9.30am. His Dad put him to bed then and us parents got up to have breakfast. I worked on my site while he studied a little.

Meanwhile, I decided bibs are better than milk towels for better absorption per square centimeter. They smell less bad too. This comes from someone who washes them daily, even soaking them in Dynamo and boiling water the night before. It just makes them smell like boiled milk.

He cried again at 10.30am, suckled a little but preferred to be entertained by an adoring Mom and Dad who sang and danced to him along to Allan Sherman’s comedy ditties. He laughed so much - we were so delighted. I brought him to his gym (he burped spontaneously en route) and he played a bit before getting fussy. His Dad carried him and he dozed almost immediately.

Kaku came to visit me in the loo! I petted her happily and told her I missed her. How was she, I asked. She meowed in return. Her tail section looked like it’d grown back some. Sam took his turn too and then scurried off. Back at my computer, Boy is dozing contentedly on his new fave spot - the coloured mat that I use to cover the wires. I am so happy things are getting back to normal.

Jack just fed and is napping on my lap now. We best get dressed soon for lunch.

The end of the 5 hour sleeps is nigh. Or rather, they’ve moved to day time and in Mommy’s arms. Heaven knows it is wonderful holding him to sleep and smelling his hair and cheeks, but at some point I need to eat, drink, or pee. Thankfully, my Mom has great foresight and bought me MBF, which Jack is sitting on while he naps on me. At least that frees up both my hands to type.

Last night he slept 4 or 4.5 hours till 4am, woke at 7am, 8.30 for a burp, woke at 10am. I was so exhausted that we slept (or rather I did while he gurgled next to me) for another session to finally wake at 11am for good. Too tired to get out of bed, I carried him on MBF while he slept, and took the opportunity to trim his nails, and then my own.

By 1215pm, it was time to get up. Jack howled shortly after I put in the laundry and fed the cats. I returned to pick him up twice. He didn’t seem to hungry although he happily sucked till he slept and didn’t want the other breast. He wasn’t happy being put into his stroller so settled for nestling against me to sleep.

A cuppa green tea and hot pasta in my tummy later, I feel better although some disappointing news put a bit of a damper on my day. Nevertheless, cuddling little Jack and looking at his sweet face brightens it right back up. I never figured myself for the nurturing sort (all 5 cats are fiercely independent, but not fierce). Nature is a strange animal, and we, its strange machines.

My Dad popped by this morning to play with Jack. It was an early morning for us. He’d slept at midnight as usual and woke at 5am, and then again at 9am. We were both quite refreshed and he was very happy playing with his mobiles for about an hour and a half. I’d set up a baby gym in the study and he’s been playing happily there.

Dad was quite impressed as I lugged the gym pair on mattress and lay Jack down. The happy boy played by himself while Dad and I read the papers. Dad went to play with him a couple of times and Jack beamed and cooed while his grandpa made baby noises at him and waved his hands. It’s wonderful to watch my Dad become a big softy when it comes to Jack.

Evening came and Jack became a little fussy. He didn’t want to be put down on his gym or stroller. Finally, starving and tired, I put him in the Bjorn and carried him while I made dinner. He dozed immediately. When he finally was in deep sleep, I placed him gently in the stroller and managed to eat and watch Ultraviolet (stylish movie but weak story).

During bedtime, he fussed so much and had to be burped several times. I was truly exhausted by this point and recited the Mommy Mantra: It is not his fault. That usually buoys me and I feel all maternal again. I patiently carried him to burp and actually dozed off at some point. He ate a bit, slept a bit, cried a bit, and finally was calm enough to go to bed.

I stood over his bed and patted him a bit as he fell asleep, his face peaceful and so very dear.