Strange Machines

I. CARE FOR BABY

1. Relish every moment with your child.

Remember they are only small once. Remind yourself that your baby is a living sentient being who depends fully on you. It is easy to depersonalise someone when you are exhausted. Meet baby in the eye and smile. Tell him and show him how much you love him with hugs, kisses, and gentle words and actions.

2. Nursing is best for you and baby.

Breastmilk has critical antibodies for baby, especially in the colostrum (a thick yellow paste) that oozes in the first 4 days. Breastfed babies are stronger, smarter, and healthier. The longer the nursing, the better. Continue your nursing relationship for as long as both of you are comfortable. If you have trouble breastfeeding, consult a lactation expert in the maternity ward for help immediately.

3. Eventually baby will sleep through the night, or you’ll get used to it.

Plus, you’ll most likely lose your pregnant weight along with the schedule. Research has found that sleep training doesn’t work. Babies learn to fall and stay asleep on their own whether or not they are sleep trained. Meanwhile take it one day at a time.

4. Pick baby up when he cries.

He’ll feel that he is worthy of love. Ignore all comments about spoiling the child. If you let him cry it out, it will hurt your relationship with him as he won’t trust you to care for him when he needs you. Babies cry because that’s the only way they know how to communicate. They cry to let us know they need our help. Studies have shown that letting baby cry it out will lead to him having anxiety problems and low self-esteem when he grows up.

5. Carry your baby in a baby sling or carrier.

It’s been repeatedly shown that babywearing parents and their children are closer. Babies who are carried frequently by their parents are more self-assured, possess a strong sense of worth, and are eager to explore.

6. Learn to care for baby on your own.

It is tempting in this day and age to pass him over to a carer. Being the primary caregiver to your child strengthens the bond between the two of you and boosts your confidence as a mother.

7. Encourage Dad to spend time with baby.

Children with involved fathers are more secure and have a healthier view of relationships as a whole.

8. Let baby play and play with baby.

It is wonderful to see things from baby’s point of view and to see him excited and thrilled over daily objects. It is his way of learning. Be there to share it. Give him a wide berth to explore safely. Be part of his play day. Animate his toys and talk to him, sing to him, dance with him. If you have pets, introduce baby to them and spend quality time together. Teach him how to be gentle and you’ve taught him compassion. These are fond memories he will carry with him for life.

II. CARE FOR MOM

1. Get help.

Arrange for help, no matter how capable you think you are. I liked to believe I was superwoman until I became a mother. Any help is great, even for an hour. Rest makes one a better mother. And you do need to bathe.

2. Stay hydrated.

Keep 1L and 500L bottles of water within arm’s reach. Particularly when you are nursing, you will get thirsty very fast. Plus keeping yourself hydrated wards off the headaches that will inevitably come with childrearing.

3. Keep reading material, TV remote, mobile phone turned to silent, and other objects of interest at arm’s reach.

When baby falls asleep in your lap, you’ll have something to do. Sometimes you’ll be too tired to even try putting him down (he might well wake up), reading, watching TV on silent, or surfing on your mobile phone will help pass time. Do take a moment in between to stroke your baby’s head or back.

4. Eat well.

My weight plunged on a low caloric diet (by habit), demand breastfeeding, and multiple nightwakings over the past 5 months. Now I eat anything, just to get enough energy to produce milk and not feel exhausted all day.

5. Don’t feel pressured to nap when baby is asleep.

It never works! What does help is if you are tired but wired, lie down on your side to nurse baby. You might end up dozing too.

6. Stretch daily and stretch gently.

Your muscles and ligaments will be sore, sprained, and tired. Keep medicated plasters stocked.

7. Buy the best camera phone you can afford.

I found that my phone became my best friend since I had Jack. While nursing or if he was asleep, I could send a text message to a loved one to get me something, I could read my Gmail, surf the web on Opera Mini, play mobile games, and most importantly, capture the unexpected delightful moments with Jack on a video or photo when my camera is too far away.

8. Educate yourself.

Confidence is key to being a good mother. And being informed is key to being confident. Read up (while breastfeeding or when baby is sleeping) on the studies that have been conducted and find out what actually works and what is actually harmful.

Enjoy your baby. They grow up too fast!

Online Resources:

Ask Moxie
KellyMom
Mother’s Nature
The Natural Child Project

Books:

Babyhood by Penelope Leach
Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less by Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Diane Eyer
The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer by Harvey Karp
Hello, My Name Is Mommy: The Dysfunctional Girl’s Guide to Having, Loving (and Hopefully Not Screwing Up) a Baby by Sheri Lynch
The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley
Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different-And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph
The Wonder Weeks: How to Turn Your Baby’s 8 Great Fussy Phases into Magical Leaps Forward by Hetty Vanderijt and Frans Plooij

Jack’s been progressing by leaps and bounds. His fave book is a stunning pictorial journey from Earth to the edge of the Cosmos called Universe which I’d bought in Kinokuniya (yes, I finally joined them as a member when I bought the Anazi Anazo books. He impressed my godparents two weeks ago by correctly identifying Earth, Sun, Mars, Io, Europa, Pluto, Charon, and Dark Matter (his faves).

To date, he can correctly and consistently identify Earth, Sun, Mercury, Mars, Europa, Io, Pluto, Charon, Dark Matter, Saturn, Jupiter, and Neptune. He must “read” (he says) the book every night before bed and loves pointing out the objects he knows and is keen to learn the nebulas. Tonight he enunciated Retina Nebula, Helix Nebula, Hourglass Nebula, Eta Carinae, Andromeda, and a few more I can’t remember now because it is past 4am - he remembers better than me.

He can id the letters U, N, I, V, E, R, S, and E on the cover. If he forgets, he’ll guess and flash me a huge grin. We laugh and clap enthusiastically whether or not it is correct. Although I’m sure he can see the pride and joy in my eyes when he does get it correct.

Aside from the Universe, he loves his cars. My Dad bought him all the Ferraris from Shell and the revving sound enthralled him for hours on end. I even managed to doze. He can id without fail Minis, Porsches, Mitsubishis, and BMWs. He can id a car (live or on a pic) from miles away. I am amazed sometimes. There’s a live-sized version of his fave black Porsche Cayman S parked at my sister’s house and we always pay it a visit to say hello.

He’s always buoyant and happy even when sick and has quickly learnt never to admit that he’s got a runny nose or else Dad and Mom will make him take medicine. When he doesn’t know something, he’ll take a guess. That might be because we always laugh together whether or not it is correct so he never fears being wrong.

People around me comment how happy he is, how wonderful it is that he sits with us through dinner, and how polite and friendly he is, saying hello, bye, kissing, hugging, and blowing kisses. Yet they also like to comment how clingy he is to me. That’s all part of the process of the peaceful positive attachment parenting philosophy I adopt.

In the wild, it is normal for children to stay close to their mothers, never to follow strangers as it would mean certain death. We and all other living species now have survived because we follow this code. When the children are taught by their mothers, held and feel secure, they are better equipped emotionally and mentally to cope and thrive and coexist with others in the outside world.

I’ve never regretted giving up my career for my son. Although one of the attachment parenting experts say that the rewards will be reaped when your child grows into a healthy, happy, well-adjusted and responsible adult, I think I am seeing the rewards every day I spend with Jack.

Till one month ago, I would say I had some help caring for Jack. Time off to work was still time off after all. But since April, I became a full-time stay-home mom and the wheels of change turned. Things would never be the same again.

For one, it was wonderful not to worry about deadlines and meeting the budget anymore. The loveliest thing was to be able to give all my time and attention completely to Jack. It shows in his delight when I read to him and play with him.

On the downside, personal time has become somewhat of a myth. Sure, I get an hour or so when he naps (once or twice a day) and that time is usually used to complete chores, spend some time with the cats, or greedily devouring a novel while carrying Jack in a sling.

Breakfast takes an hour, lunch another hour, of feeding and entertaining him on his highchair. The rest is cooking, washing dishes, cleaning up, all rather alien tasks to me. Our routine at home rarely varies and I think we both take comfort in that. They are serene and relaxing.

But at night after putting Jack to bed, I am wasted. Only now, after a month of change I am getting into the swing of things. Most recently I started reading again - a pleasurable activity especially coupled with blue cheese and milk. Now I am getting online again, after hours of course.

Day time I have promised to my son. And what a ball we have had. Shopping cart racing, tree spotting at the park, bath time fun, holding his hand as we walk together, when he sleeps, playing with the cats, and lots of laughter together.

It is all worth it.

Every day in the newspapers there are seminars and advice columns on parenting. I cringe whenever some so-called expert claims that this and that is good or bad and wonder how much of it is anecdotal and how much is actually based on fact.

Considering how much bad advice there is out there, it pays to instead:

1. Become an expert on parenting

Read extensively and regularly on studies conducted on children. See what has worked well in the past and what has repeatedly been shown to work (also called peer review).

Learn to understand how researchers conduct their studies and gather their data. The more researchers agree on a standard, the more likely it is that it can be considered fact.

Note that this is different from the idea that since everyone believes it works, it is a fact. Peer review is based on the scientific method.

2. Be an expert on your child

Develop a strong bond with your child. Interact with him often. Understand what makes him tick and what his responses mean. Earn his trust by consistently being there and giving him your full attention. Soon you will now that ‘ehh’ is his name for you and ‘em’ means he is unhappy.

You will also know if certain methods like the no-cry sleep solution can work for him (in Jack’s case it doesn’t), or if co-sleeping makes him sleep better (it sure does for Jack - he wakes up 4x in 2 hours if I am not beside him and twice in 9 hours when I am beside him), for instance.

3. Trust your instincts

All instincts need to be honed with information. On a daily basis we are picking up unconscious cues from the world around us. That is why parents instinctively treat their children the way their parents treated them.

Thus it is essential to be informed of safe parenting methods vs harmful ones like cry it out and spanking which do long-term damage to your child.

Finally, based on the research you have gathered and the knowledge you have of your child, trust your own parenting instincts on how best to tend to your little one.

Last night Jack woke again for an extended period of time around 4am. He couldn’t fall asleep again despite my efforts. While sitting up after another failed attempt, he began pooing! Another 5am poo. I dragged myself up to change him while he, decidedly in a good mood, began patting his father (yes, he recognises the large log of blanket beside him as Dad).

After a change, he fell back asleep in my arms again to wake late morning with another poo, strangely the same consistency as yesterday’s, which makes me wonder if this night-waking is possibly the result of a tummy bug he picked up. He’s been pooing several times a day and it has made me ponderous.

He’s also been very attached to me in the day, even refusing my Mom. Perhaps, I suspect, it is a combination of both.

Jack’s been grumpy these few days. Yes, the teeth have been bothering him but I can tell that he’s been trying hard to keep his own spirits up. I’ve been rubbing teething gel indiscriminately and nursing him a lot more as he clung onto me. Today he wanted me and only me to carry him for a nap.

Later when he woke, grumpy and tired (this evening too), I tried to ease the cousin rivalry tension but hugging and kissing Kaitlyn after she cried about how everyone just cared about Jack now. She seemed happier and willing to share her toys and talk to us after. Thanks to Steve Biddulph’s latest book I browsed in Borders on Sunday night. I shall buy it during the next sale.

A sweet thing Joyce just told me on IM. Her Dad and Mom who just met Jack were raving about him and his Dad in particular mentioned how he kept looking for me and commented that that’s what life should be about, that your baby son looks for you when you’re not in sight, and you put him as priority than work, if you have the means.

In my anxiety during this time of change, it makes me feel I made the right decision.

1. Buy a cloth sling and practice carrying baby in it all day. It is ideal at this age because he loves to be close to Mom and sleep most of the time and it is easy to nurse in it. You can easily surf, use the loo, and go about your day. It is natural for babies to want to be carried at the time plus he gains a strong sense of self-worth being unconditionally loved by Mom all the time.

2. When he is awake and in the sling, sit him a little more upright and point out things to him as you go about your day. When you’re brushing your teeth, make funny faces to him in the mirror, when you’re pouring milk, explain how Mom drinks milk too. He’ll love being part of your day.

3. Spend some of the day with him in his crib or on your bed or on the floor. Talk to him, sing to him, animate some stuffed toys and do a little play for him, read to him. He just wants to see your face and loving glances at this point.

4. If you want to put him down for a nap, try nursing him on the side (with a small towel under you to sop up the spillage) and then once he is asleep, you can steal away. Just make sure he is safe wherever he is.

5. Remember to feed and hydrate yourself too. Make breakfast, lunch, and dinner with lots of snacks in between. Keep healthy snack food (bananas, apples, carrots, e.g.) and a bottle of water near you as you might be too exhausted to move some days.

6. Keep reading material and your phone (important for impromptu brilliant Kodak moments and surfing or checking Gmail) near you in case you suddenly need to nurse and can’t get up to get stuff.

7. If there’s someone else in the house to help you, ensure they have a mobile phone too so you can keep your phone on silent and send text messages when you need help and baby is asleep.

8. Create a routine for yourself and follow it everyday. It will help you manage your day better for now.

9. Rest as much as you can. It’s impossible to nap with baby every time but just lying down helps. Get some me-time as well. Let Daddy play with baby for as much time as he can spare for important Dad-bonding (children who have involved fathers are more self-confident and possess better self-worth as adults).

10. Believe in yourself. The most critical thing for this period is to build your confidence as a mother and bond with your child. Everything else should take a backseat. Enjoy every moment with baby for you’ll never get back this precious time when they are so tiny.

Jack slept poorly again last night. He woke up every 20 minutes and at one point, took an hour to settle down to sleep again. He kept howling on his hands and kneews, and couldn’t go back to sleep. It sounds like it might be teething. He seems to find his upper lip itchy. I was so exhausted by 4am but finally managed to sleep.

It has been alleged that most 9 month olds sleep through the night, but there are so many more factors to consider when compiling that data. What are they eating? Are the babies still breastfed? Do they co-sleep with their parents? Are they cared for by their mother or another caregiver during the day? All these factors can cause a child to wake repeatedly at night.

Is it a bad? I’ve never felt more comforted by having Jack sleep beside me - it’s easy to nurse him and we both sleep better. But when he was in his crib, I’d walk over and check if he was still breathing several times a night - my mother did that too when I was a kid. With him next to me, I can just put my hand gently on him and know he is okay.

For me, I’ve given up on when he is going to sleep through the night. I take it a day at a time and take my mother’s advice: just enjoy your baby.

Sleeping Through The Night:

Sleeping Through The Night by Kelly Bonyata, BS, IBCLC
Sleeping through the Night by Katherine A. Dettwyler, Ph.D.
Slumber’s Unexplored Landscape by Bruce Bower

Co-sleeping:

Bedtime Story: Co-sleeping Research by James J. McKenna, Ph.D.
Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night by Jan Hunt, B.A. Psychology (Magna cum Laude), M.Sc. Counseling Psychology
Need vs. Habit by Tine Thevenin
Statement on sleeping locations and sudden death in infants by Abraham B. Bergman, MD, Director of Pediatrics, Harborview Medical Center and Professor of Pediatrics, University of Washington, Richard Harruff, MD, PhD, Medical Examiner of King County, Clinical Associate Professor of Pathology, University of Washington, MaryAnn O’Hara, MD, Robert Wood Johnson, Clinical Scholar, University of Washington

There are a lot of concerns about co-sleeping. And they are valid ones. Baby suffocating under blankets or under a parent are terrible things and they have happened before.

For a breastfeeding mother, I was adamant Jack slept in his crib. But that meant nursing him sitting up for an hour at bedtime while he lay on the MyBrestFriend cushion while I either zoned out, napped with my mouth open, read a magazine or book, played games or surfed on my mobile phone (usually the first two). And then lifting him up gently (wake alert!), removing the cushion, getting up (wake alert!) and going to the crib (wake alert!), and breaking my back to put him down (wake alert!) very gently, removing my arm which would be under his neck (wake alert!), and then removing my other hand which would be on his chest.

That process I mastered and perfected over the first 4 months and gleefully congratulated myself when Jack slept through the night from 4, 5, 6, 7 hours and once even 9 hours! Alas, his 4th month sleep regression unwound everything and I was back to square one.

Sure, we tried some co-sleeping when he was born. Him in a tiny sleeper beside me. But now, he was a big boy and the doctor said okay. Since, it’s been reassuring and I love waking up next to him and seeing his sweet sleeping face beside me when I turn in.

I’ve been having insomnia lately and to avoid waking him, go outside the bedroom to read or surf. He wakes up almost every 20 minutes to 2 hours and it’s been fairly disrupting to my attempts to achieve flow.

Last night I crashed to bed early and we both slept almost through the night, waking only once when his Dad woke up for work. I think co-sleeping babies do know when their mothers leave the bed and if they’re sleeping alone. We both slept well till he woke up and started climbing all over me.

If you do wish to co-sleep, please read up very carefully on co-sleeping and safety.

This is a great landmark for Jack.

Previously at night he’d be calling for me when he woke. Even if his Dad was there, he might well be nothing more than a log beside him, patting and trying to soothe him.

But last night he recognised the sleeping form of his Dad, now immune to his crying. His Dad had found him wide awake, sitting, and patting his back laughing and shrieking in delight. I’d been in the other room online. He had to call me twice before I heard him.

I went in to nurse him and he fell right back asleep. I’m so proud of him. It’s a first step towards independence. All the attachment we have been sharing has paid off.

He’s now happily playing with his Dad, crawling everywhere, the cats wandering here and there around him. He always watches them rapt, intrigued. It’s a lovely Saturday for all of us here.