Strange Machines

I choked up while showing Jade a photo of Boy today. I can’t believe it has been 9 months since he died. I miss him so much.

I show Jade how to pet Tuxie gently. He sits like an angel.

So it came to pass one fine sunny Sunday when I decided it was time for me to try reintegrating the cats again. This time with plenty of positive reinforcement.

First, Jack, Jade, and I sat down and hand fed the kids some treats. We petted them and talked to them. Buffy stared at us rather confused. I felt sad.

Tux ate most of the treats as usual and the younger 2 merely peered out. The older 3 explored the kitchen.

Later, Jade and I said bye to the boys and we went to the bedroom as Buffy followed us expectantly. She jumped onto the stair ledge as she always did and Tux lounged along the stairs.

We went outside to look for the other 2. Sam scuttled to look for Buffy and Tux while we found Kaku lounging on her table in the cat room, probably pleased to have the place all to herself.

To my greatest delight and surprise, she meowed at me and let me stroke her just like before.

She never forgot our bond – she still hisses at daddy and only I have been ever allowed to pet her. I felt so sad and sorry that we’d wasted all this time due to my old complacency and fear of being unable to cope… But here were we.

The sweet girl even rolled around inviting me to pet her and she allowed me to groom her for a good ten minutes then stood up. Buffy had come in.

I realised then Kaku would have been a perfect only cat, just like Boy. Indeed I adore her because she is so much like him, a female him, both perfect. It was love at first sight when I first saw her too.

So we spent the afternoon together. Tux, Buffy, and Sam tried repeatedly to climb onto the bed and get into the closet but was repeatedly foiled by me. They settled for under the bed as compensation.

Kaku wandered as far as the couch where she sat on the couch head, so like Boy. I tried getting close to snap a photo but she hissed and jumped off. Other cats were about.

Buffy watched as I attempted to doze beside a playful Jade but failed. Tux lay on the floor. Earlier he and Sam played hide under the rug. I nudged him and he ran like a bat out of hell.

Finally it was dinner time and their daddy fed them and ushered them all back to their room.

It wasn’t till the children were asleep and I was in the kitchen that I realised Kaku was still inside. She’d been lying on the same spot on the couch and hissed at me to get my attention.

I duly opened the grille door and indicated for her to go out and she did. Just as Buffy was trying to slip in unnoticed.

After a ton of research when we were considering another child, we put in place a few rules to prepare him:

1. Jack must feel and know that Jade belongs to us. We are a family.

2. We must make him feel she is worthy of all our love and that she takes away none of our love from him.

3. Sharing is emphasized. Sharing is what a family does.

4. Having a sister must be a positive and happy thing to him.

5. Family time is important. We must spend time together (before bedtime, for us) every day. All 4 of us.

6.To remember that it is our job as parents to ensure 1-5 happens and parry all negative sentiments from others.

So with that in mind, here is what we did:

1. Before Jade was conceived, we asked Jack if he wanted a sibling. He said yes.

2. When I was pregnant, we told him we were making the baby for him, and more importantly, that she belonged to him and us, and is also part of this family.

3. When I was tired, I told him making a baby in my tummy was hard work and gave him lots of hugs, kisses, and attention and cuddles while I lay down to rest. We did resty things like reading and playing cars on the bed.

4. I nursed, as painful as it became with my nipples becoming extra sore. I distracted myself with my iPod Touch as I could no longer fall asleep nursing him because of the pain and discomfort.

5. We took care to associate her arrival with wonderful and positive experiences. Like receiving special presents from each parent, and one special one (he has always wanted) from Jade given when he first meets her. And he got to choose a present for her. It worked beautifully.

6. I tandem nursed as often as I could (too tired to argue anyway). Day time anyway. Night time was tougher as he was nursed to sleep. Someone had to either carry her till he slept or entertain him while she nursed and then dozed off, on her own (of this I am grateful).

7. We do things together. I keep them both close – none of this someone takes him away from me while I am looking after her. Whether changing diapers or nursing or playing. Both kids sit on my lap during story time.

8. I don’t refuse him as much as I can if he wants to nurse. He wants to know I still love him so I show him in that way that I do. Lately he has been asking me if I love him and I take it as a sign that he needs my attention. I always stop what I am doing and look him in the eye and say tenderly, of course I love you… so much.

9. I take time to spend individually with each child. Daddy takes him out to the playground so I have one-on-time with Jade (even though when he is engrossed in his games I sneak a conversation with her). When she is asleep in our Ergo (which I use all the time with her), I play and read to him.

10. It is tiring and I am often exhausted and screaming for me-time. Accept all the help you can get to rest. But don’t allow anyone to undermine your relationship with your kids. When they say well-meaning things that do hurt him, I reassure him and correct them gently.

Take your time and enjoy each day. Your greatest gift to your children are to help them build a strong and loving bond between them so that years on even after you are gone, they will always still have each other.

Boy ~ 28 January 1992 – 24 April 2009

My sweet baby Boy passed away tonight at 2345h from what appeared to be a cat version of a heart attack. The vet valiantly tried to resuscitate him as his gasping ceased but failed.

He had been eating well at dinner time and seemed his usual self till loud crashes and strange howls from the back around 2240h led me to go investigate.

I found him lying on his side in a pool of spilt water and urine and he was gasping and howling in a voice that terrified me. I carried him to his favourite rug and he foamed slightly at the mouth. He seemed in distress and pain and was shaking. I stroked his fur. He did not flinch.

I tried looking online but found nothing. My Cornell’s Vet book was missing. I phoned the hubby to hurry home. Then I looked for an emergency animal clinic. The nurse took down what happened and told me she’d call the vet.

When she phoned back, hubby was home and getting a box and towel ready for Boy. He said it looks like a stroke and I’d better come along. I burst into tears. For the first time I realised he could die.

I kept telling him as he lay in that box that I was here and I love him. His howling had ceased and he was just gasping.

The nurse was waiting for us downstairs. We hurried up. The vet shaved his paw and gave him a plug. They injected some meds in him and I thought he’d be ok till she put a tube down his throat and the nurse started pressing on his chest and asked us to sit outside.

I knew it was bad then but still held out hope. Tears just burst and I sat while Jack looked at me quizzically. Later he kept asking me where is Boy and all I could say was he is gone forever.

The vet came out and said, he’s gone. I rushed to the room and looked at him. His eyes were open and he merely looked dazed, not dead. One of his eyes had thickened already. I stroked his fur, his perfect soft fur.

It was over but I needed answers. It was too late for a blood test but an xray showed no blockage in his throat nor lungs nor unusual in his heart. Most likely she said, it was his heart, not something he ate.

I let them clean him up and put him in another room for me to say my goodbyes. I stroked him and held him for the longest time, knowing I’d never be able to do that again. Tomorrow he’d be cold from refrigeration. He’d be stiff.

The nurse was kind, promised to wrap him in his towel before putting him on ice. Tomorrow we’d take him to my aunt’s garden to bury him. I won’t have him burnt in some furnace. I held him tight, kissed him, and told him that I loved him before saying goodbye.

He was my first baby and for all of my life, I will never forget him.

Today we celebrated Father’s Day at Modestos and then went to paint Takashimaya red. Our dear aunt NH called to say she was at the airport with her boys and we sped off to meet them. I told Jack in the car we were going to see his grandaunt and uncles and he was thrilled. It had been 4 months since he saw them and he remembered them very well.

In fact, when they showed up, he walked right up to her, peered at her and said “Gu Puo (grandaunt in Chinese)”. She was so amazed she gave him a big hug. We had dinner at Crystal Jade and he let his young uncles carry and play with him. He even showed off the “car bag” I made for him.

“Car bag,” he proclaimed, and proudly displayed the sling bag hung diagonally around him. “Mama made!” I was so thrilled. It was the first thing he showed everyone at lunch and at the airport today when he met them, right after wishing all the fathers a loud “Happy Father’s Day!”. His Dad and I were so proud of him.

He remembers things very acutely. From the broken car mirror on the silver car at the Forum Toys R Us (now fixed, but he reminds me every time, “not broken”, when we go there) to who bought him what. He remembers all his extended family and even people he met just once and where. It is remarkable. Even the things we don’t review at the end of the day. I would always ask him if he had a great day and what he did today. Still months later he will amaze me by remembering something I barely registered.

At Terminal 3, he weighed himself at an empty check-in counter. He is 12.3kg and 94 cm tall at 25 months, one heck of a runner, bilingual, a competent singer (he sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to me this morning, out of nowhere), an avid dreamer (he’ll tell me about his dreams – sweet dreams about everyone hugging), a loving and affectionate child (he’ll hug and kiss and tell his loved ones he loves them in English and Chinese), and that amazing memory.

And in other news, a sweet evening with Boy tonight. Ah I love my boys so much.

Mom’s Beef Stew: an original recipe.

Makes one week’s supply of beef stew for babies and cats. So far the hubby says it is tasty, Jack (the baby) likes only 3 bites, and the cats love it.

Ingredients:
300g premium minced beef
1 handful frozen sweet corn, peas, carrots
1/2 handful pasta (twirly ones in durum wheat)
1 small tomato (cut in 4)
10 leaves of baby spinach

Non-edibles:
Non-stick pot with cover
5 baby glass bottles, sterilised and dried
Bowl for distribution to cats

Cook it:
1. Throw all ingredients into pot.
2. Add water to just cover the ingredients.
3. Turn on fire. Ensure is boiling then turn to low.
4. Leave for 1 hour but return every 15 minutes to make sure it is not burnt. If running low on water, add a small bit more.
5. When cooked, let cool for a while before bottling. Put in freezer.
6. Place remainder in bowl and distribute to cats.

How to use:
When you wish to feed baby, put 1 bottle to thaw in refrigerator 4 hours before. If you forget, microwave on high for 1 minute then use spoon to stir. If still cold, repeat. If baby dislikes food, feed cats. If cats dislike it, you don’t have to make lunch for yourself.

Although he began cruising in a fashion a couple of weeks ago, Jack is seriously at it now. Today, being open house day for the cats and all, he cooed at the cats and crawled confidently to the living room where he cruised from one chair to another while looking triumphantly at me.

After his nap, he played with Boy some excitedly patting his tummy pretty hard till I had to put an end to it. Boy lay there tolerating it for quite a while before getting annoyed and leaving. Tux went up to Jack later to meow at him, maybe to thank him for annoying Boy. :p

It is open day for the cats every Saturday and Sunday, and supervised playtime for the cats and Jack. Today, the kids got all upclose and personal.

Jack wakes up from a nap, looking rather disoriented.

He notices his brother Boy lying nearby.

Then goes across to say hi.

It’s open house day today for the cats and the critters cheerily explored the house then went to their fave corners for a nap. Jack, too was due for a nap but was too distracted to sleep. He pooped twice and I wanted to slip out to wash my hands.

Buffy was lying on her usual perch and I edged to the bathroom saying, “Mommy will be back in 1 minute”. He kept looking and smiling at Buffy who was blinking back. I quickly washed my hands and returned. There was nary a peep!

I decided to try again shortly after he nipped my nipple and refused to nap. I got up and said, “Mommy will be back in 1 minute”. He smiled and stayed put till I returned. This is monumental as he’d never let me out of his sight before (unless someone else was around).

The kids seem calm around him now and he’s simply delighted to see them. They’re used to his crying and it seems unlikely they’ll mark again out of fear. Looks like open house might be able to be extended forever now.